Am I Crazy?

In discussing everything throughout my PRIDE training - missing puzzle pieces, attachment, identity etc... it hit "areas" that I never really thought would bother me... And i'm starting to think I'm crazy...
Long and short, my father was very physically abusive - more to my mother and brother than to me (though I wasn't completely spared). As a result... my mother took us and left when I was around... 5-6 I think. And I was relieved. It was hard for her, but it was the best thing for everyone involved. The "trauma" caused some emotional wounds, but also physical ailments as well. NOTHING unfixable, and soon after we left... things sort of got better - minus the small hiccups that we dealt with.


As a result, I was very, ummm, nervous - watching over my shoulder OFTEN (as my father would show up on school property when he was already ordered not to and do other... dumb things); I was very protective of my Mama (that's kind of normal though)... and as I learned in training, I was "hyper sensitive" with emotions/expressions - having a 'heightened' awareness of the emotions of others...or gathering the cues quite quickly that people would give off if they were sad, mad, angry etc... the "bad" in that... I let other's emotions affect me.. and I would take personal blame often times for that... the good... I was sensitive and considerate with the cues, and made efforts to diffuse situations before things (hopefully) got bad. 


When I was 13ish (could've been 14 or 15 I'm kind of learning), we (my mother by way of her sister) were advised of his death through heart attack and I, my mom and aunt went to the viewing (chose not to go to the funeral). The viewing was made difficult by his family who spoke of how much he loved me and how much he missed me and how many pictures he had of me in his home. The problem = they had no clue of went on behind our closed doors, and never will they be told as that's my business, and not for the purposes of defaming his name (note: we don't keep in touch, they won't read this blog EVERRR).


As a result of the guilt I felt, I chose not to go to the funeral. I did not mourn. It was a very matter of fact thing. My father passed. And since I hadn't seen him for at least 6-7 years now, it really had minimal affect on me.


Fast forward now to maybe 20 years later... when I am in PRIDE training, praying to be blessed with a child and learning about "missing pieces" and the "benefits of open adoption" and I'm starting to learn that I will be trying to fill in the missing puzzle pieces for this child when I have... quite a few missing pieces myself... 


The more we spoke of "missing puzzle pieces" the more I started to evaluate these missing parts of me - which never caused me discomfort before. Mama was great... and my life was good... now, I find myself wanting to learn where his final resting place is and trying to remember things about him, wherein... I really can't... I can't really remember much of anything...why?? How?? Why? I realize I said that already...


It started to bother me in session 3...when there was a "pride connection" (exercise to be completed) on GENOGRAMs (date of births/deaths of siblings, parents and grandparents) ...and I didn't know a lot of the info... 


Unfortunately, since mid March, my Mama and I had a "falling out" I suppose, and as a result, void of all my attempts, my mother and I haven't spoken. So... i don't have anyone to go to, to answer some of these questions DOB/DOD questions. 


Anyway... I'm kinda hesitant to start this home study because I think I'm crazy for thinking the things I am... and because I don't have a lotta answers about my father and I don't have my mother to turn to with these questions... so...will this impact us and the home study?


WIll these... hauntings, ruin things overall...


Perhaps the answer is no.. but I certainly feel inadequate. I feel "messed up" ... and I've never considered or looked at myself as "messed up" before... till now.


And I know there are a lot of things people have in their pasts - perhaps worse than a dead parent and a feuding mother... but to me... who has so much "riding" on this home study... I feel like... this is a nail in a coffin... and that sucks... 


Sigh... in any event... I'd decided that it is important for me to locate my father's final resting place. Perhaps for closure... who knows... 


I know... it's just dirt... but... I want to... need to do this for me...


So, I contacted my aunt today, and asked if she remembered anything - like WHERE was the viewing...She reached out to another aunt who advised me of the location. I spoke with a wonderful (God willing) gentleman there, that kind of eluded to this being a needle in a hay stack... but said he would try and make this his personal project. That warmed my heart. The "haystack" was for a few reasons... I couldn't really give him a date of death. I thought it was feb/mar 1993... then... he called back and said no file was found... So I thought about it some more and apologized and told him I really wasn't sure. Maybe it was 94, or 95... maybe it was winter but not feb/mar.... I wore a winter coat... I thought I was in grade 8... but in all truths... I haven't thought about this FOREVER... and the memories I tried so hard to ... erase... have successfully been erased... and now... this sucks... or does it?!?! Do I need to know... 


Sigh... 


So...that's the deal. That's what's been on my mind this week.


Today however, was productive. I got some reassurance from some very important people in my life, and I made strides in starting the process of finding my father's resting place, and I made a dent in our PRIDE assessments that need to be completed STAT!


Next week, I will commit to TWO things... finishing PRIDE evaluations, and speaking with the referrals I was given for a home study practitioner and take it from there.


Wish me Luck! - Or rather, Blessings!

A Dog's purpose acoording to a 6 yr old

I read this link and loved it...http://weruletheinternet.com/2011/05/24/a-dogs-purpose-according-to-a-6-year-old/

Being a veterinarian, I had been called to examine a ten-year-old Irish wolfhound named Belker. The dog’s owners, Ron, his wife, Lisa, and their little boy, Shane, were all very attached to Belker, and they were hoping for a miracle.
I examined Belker and found he was dying of cancer. I told the family we couldn’t do anything for Belker, and offered to perform the euthanasia procedure for the old dog in their home.
As we made arrangements, Ron and Lisa told me they thought it would be good for six-year-old Shane to observe the procedure. They felt as though Shane might learn something from the experience.
The next day, I felt the familiar catch in my throat as Belker’s family surrounded him. Shane seemed so calm, petting the old dog for the last time, that I wondered if he understood what was going on. Within a few minutes, Belker slipped peacefully away.
The little boy seemed to accept Belker’s transition without any difficulty or confusion. We sat together for a while after Belker’s death, wondering aloud about the sad fact that animal lives are shorter than human lives.
Shane, who had been listening quietly, piped up, “I know why.”
Startled, we all turned to him. What came out of his mouth next stunned me.  I’d never heard a more comforting explanation.  He said, “People are born so that they can learn how to live a good life – like loving everybody all the time and being nice, right?”
The six-year-old continued, “Well, dogs already know how to do that, so they don’t have to stay as long.”

Stop the "replay" button!

I can't stop this stupid replay! Every SPARE moment that I'm not doing anything, I replay... I can't do this to myself.

Do you know how many scenario's I've gone over in my head... I've questioned myself almost to death; 'was it "subconscious?". What the heck do you mean??? I loved him!!!! Terribly! I was watch them play with love for hours! It made me so happy to see him gnaw on rope for EVER.

Yes, he frustrated the crap out of me at times... but never! EVER! Would I want something like this for him.

You know what it is? I foresaw this happening, and it is because of that forshadowing that I feel like I "willed" this to happen. But I didn't! I promise. I saw this happening because he was ALWAYS the one to run off, but never in that direction! He would always run left!!! Not right!!!! and he would NEVER run THAT far! My goodness! Why? God, please stop the replay!

I know that Milo is in a better place, and I am confident I smelled him with me this morning :-)
I smelled his "wet doggie" smell. Am I losing my mind?

Why didn't I run after him. Why did I take my time? Because I didn't think! And for that, I will feel guilt! I didn't think he would run ONTO Hwy 10! I didn't think he would leave me... and when I chase him, like all dog owners know, they run farther... they think you're playing chase with them.. and I didn't want that.. and I didn't think! I didn't think!!!! I'm sorry Milo... I'm sorry Pugsley, for losing your brother, and I'm sorry MarcAnto for taking your baby away.

I didn't say a proper goodbye to him that morning. He was outside in the backyard, I was running late to work, I saw him staring at me from behind the sliding door, and I waived. I thought twice...I thought twice! About opening the door and kissing him goodbye! Why didn't I listen to my head. I thought, oh, well then he'd want to come with me, and I'd have to struggle to leave and make him stay, and I rationalized that Marc would bring him in... God, I am so sorry... at least I got to say hello to him for a split second before he escaped the house...he made it all the way to the other side!!!! And he died coming back to his Mommy... I am so sorry.... I'm proud of him for not getting hit crossing... but seriously.... God...please forgive me... I am so sorry Milo... for everything I didn't do....please... forgive me!


All...please forgive me. God, please give me peace... please....

Rest In Peace Baby Milo. Feb 20 '08 - May 13 '09

I hate days like these. The days where it seems so...normal and then your world gets turned upside down.

Tonight, one of my babies passed away.

the day started like any other, I woke up to my boys fighting on my bed. Actually, I awoke from a migraine - potentially from the stress Milo gave me at doggie training yesterday. I got dressed and left for work, waiving at Milo who was in the backyard. I finished my day at work, stopped at the grocery store to grab a quick lasagna for dinner tonight and some other things and drove home.

Our plan: throw the lasagna in the oven for over an hour, and spend all of tonight working with the boys. Their doggie graduation is in two weeks and they're not fully ready - especially Milo, who played me for a fool yesterday hehehe.

What happened instead? I opened the door and Milo pushed his way threw. This happens somewhat often... I called for him, tried the whole "stay" thin, and off Milo went to the end of the driveway. I was calm, said "Milo come" like we were taught, he looked at me and came! I was so happy (since he never does that). I said "good come Milo!", patted his head, and then whipped from my grasp and ran again, across the street to Robin's house. "Okay" I thought, no biggie... "Milo, come"..."Milo, stay"...nada... he ran.

I called Marc to get the whistle...Milo ran towards Highway 10 - never ever does he run this way. Now I start to panic, I call for him, he's run out of sight, I'm hustling but not running, but I know my dog well enough to know he doesn't like being chased. I toot the whistle and wait anxiously. I see some neighbors and ask if they've seen him. They say no, which only means he went ON TO the highway. I lift my head only to see him ACROSS the hwy on the other side.

MY heart is racing...what do I do? How do I get to him without him doing anything stupid???? What do I do...I attempt to cross the hwy... against the light... I raise my hand for the cars to stop and just then, Milo sees his mommy...I tell him "stay!" I hold up my hand like I'm supposed to!!!! He doesn't stay, he runs towards me!!!! I stop two lanes! But the lane closest to him doesn't see me...or him.. He gets to the median, steps off the curb and then..... my heart stops as I hear the thump... I look.... my baby... my poor baby, laying, lifeless... at the side of the curb....

I run to him...lift him up and cradle him..."Milo... why....why....".

"Oh, Milo...my poor boy, my poor baby"

Cradled, gone on impact...lifeless....my baby.

I carry him across the street....cradled and held as tight as possible to me. Marc sees me..."No!!! Milo!!! Why????" I give him to Marc, rub his back and assure him, he didn't suffer one bit.

I call my Mom, tell her what happened; she'll be right over. I call the vet and ask them what I should do... they tell me to come. We debate whether to show Pugsley.... we sit in the car, cradling Milo...thinking what's best for the baby left behind? We call Sherri, if anyone will know, it's her...
we speak to one of her people and they guide us, "get Pugsley out of the room; lay Milo down in their sleeping quarters, cover him slightly. When this is done, let Pugsley back in and allow him to assess the body. He needs to know, and he needs to grieve"

We did what they said, Puglsey sniffed, observed... said his own good bye, and then we were off to the doctor's. We got there, said our good byes again, removed his collar... and departed.

Could I have done something different. Why didn't I hold him to the ground when he came back the first time, why did I let him out? Why didn't I chase him? Why did he run that way? Why was his little life cut so short? Was he happy? Did he love us? Did he know he was loved? Does he know he will be missed?

This I know: we loved him terribly. He added to my life. He added to me. He taught me patience, and perseverance, unconditional love after ruining so many material - USELESS things. Someone that entered our lives for such a short period has taught Marc and I so VERY VERY MUCH!!!!

Rest in Peace Baby, we love you!

Love,
Mommy, Daddy and Pugsley