Am I Crazy?

In discussing everything throughout my PRIDE training - missing puzzle pieces, attachment, identity etc... it hit "areas" that I never really thought would bother me... And i'm starting to think I'm crazy...
Long and short, my father was very physically abusive - more to my mother and brother than to me (though I wasn't completely spared). As a result... my mother took us and left when I was around... 5-6 I think. And I was relieved. It was hard for her, but it was the best thing for everyone involved. The "trauma" caused some emotional wounds, but also physical ailments as well. NOTHING unfixable, and soon after we left... things sort of got better - minus the small hiccups that we dealt with.


As a result, I was very, ummm, nervous - watching over my shoulder OFTEN (as my father would show up on school property when he was already ordered not to and do other... dumb things); I was very protective of my Mama (that's kind of normal though)... and as I learned in training, I was "hyper sensitive" with emotions/expressions - having a 'heightened' awareness of the emotions of others...or gathering the cues quite quickly that people would give off if they were sad, mad, angry etc... the "bad" in that... I let other's emotions affect me.. and I would take personal blame often times for that... the good... I was sensitive and considerate with the cues, and made efforts to diffuse situations before things (hopefully) got bad. 


When I was 13ish (could've been 14 or 15 I'm kind of learning), we (my mother by way of her sister) were advised of his death through heart attack and I, my mom and aunt went to the viewing (chose not to go to the funeral). The viewing was made difficult by his family who spoke of how much he loved me and how much he missed me and how many pictures he had of me in his home. The problem = they had no clue of went on behind our closed doors, and never will they be told as that's my business, and not for the purposes of defaming his name (note: we don't keep in touch, they won't read this blog EVERRR).


As a result of the guilt I felt, I chose not to go to the funeral. I did not mourn. It was a very matter of fact thing. My father passed. And since I hadn't seen him for at least 6-7 years now, it really had minimal affect on me.


Fast forward now to maybe 20 years later... when I am in PRIDE training, praying to be blessed with a child and learning about "missing pieces" and the "benefits of open adoption" and I'm starting to learn that I will be trying to fill in the missing puzzle pieces for this child when I have... quite a few missing pieces myself... 


The more we spoke of "missing puzzle pieces" the more I started to evaluate these missing parts of me - which never caused me discomfort before. Mama was great... and my life was good... now, I find myself wanting to learn where his final resting place is and trying to remember things about him, wherein... I really can't... I can't really remember much of anything...why?? How?? Why? I realize I said that already...


It started to bother me in session 3...when there was a "pride connection" (exercise to be completed) on GENOGRAMs (date of births/deaths of siblings, parents and grandparents) ...and I didn't know a lot of the info... 


Unfortunately, since mid March, my Mama and I had a "falling out" I suppose, and as a result, void of all my attempts, my mother and I haven't spoken. So... i don't have anyone to go to, to answer some of these questions DOB/DOD questions. 


Anyway... I'm kinda hesitant to start this home study because I think I'm crazy for thinking the things I am... and because I don't have a lotta answers about my father and I don't have my mother to turn to with these questions... so...will this impact us and the home study?


WIll these... hauntings, ruin things overall...


Perhaps the answer is no.. but I certainly feel inadequate. I feel "messed up" ... and I've never considered or looked at myself as "messed up" before... till now.


And I know there are a lot of things people have in their pasts - perhaps worse than a dead parent and a feuding mother... but to me... who has so much "riding" on this home study... I feel like... this is a nail in a coffin... and that sucks... 


Sigh... in any event... I'd decided that it is important for me to locate my father's final resting place. Perhaps for closure... who knows... 


I know... it's just dirt... but... I want to... need to do this for me...


So, I contacted my aunt today, and asked if she remembered anything - like WHERE was the viewing...She reached out to another aunt who advised me of the location. I spoke with a wonderful (God willing) gentleman there, that kind of eluded to this being a needle in a hay stack... but said he would try and make this his personal project. That warmed my heart. The "haystack" was for a few reasons... I couldn't really give him a date of death. I thought it was feb/mar 1993... then... he called back and said no file was found... So I thought about it some more and apologized and told him I really wasn't sure. Maybe it was 94, or 95... maybe it was winter but not feb/mar.... I wore a winter coat... I thought I was in grade 8... but in all truths... I haven't thought about this FOREVER... and the memories I tried so hard to ... erase... have successfully been erased... and now... this sucks... or does it?!?! Do I need to know... 


Sigh... 


So...that's the deal. That's what's been on my mind this week.


Today however, was productive. I got some reassurance from some very important people in my life, and I made strides in starting the process of finding my father's resting place, and I made a dent in our PRIDE assessments that need to be completed STAT!


Next week, I will commit to TWO things... finishing PRIDE evaluations, and speaking with the referrals I was given for a home study practitioner and take it from there.


Wish me Luck! - Or rather, Blessings!

Congratulations! You are Now Pregnant Through Adoption

Today, we COMPLETED our PRIDE TRAINING! Woot Woot!!! What a BIG DEAL  this is!! Marc and I are ecstatic with the feeling and sense of accomplishment. Sofie concluded our class by saying "Congratulations! You are now Pregnant Through Adoption!" LOL! Funny lady!

Us with Our Certificate

Considering the past 2 months leading up to this, I was (and still can be) a basket case, we have certainly come a long way! These last two days of Pride were again, overwhelming (not as much as the first two days but...) and reassuring in that what we are doing is what we are destined to be doing.

Yesterday, we learned further about attachment, transition issues our child will experience and "alphabet soup" - also know as the "Scare you to death list of Syndromes/Diseases/Ailments" your child could have.

In discussing the "transition issues" we discussed what challenges we could expect them to experience:

• cultural transition if they are coming to us internationally
• change of food (again if they are international)
• language
• religion
• tradition/customs/holidays
• name change (identity transition)
• multi sibling units to single family dwelling
• change of environment/climate etc

We also discussed ways to address these concerns:

• learn their culture and do not discourage their learning of their heritage
• take part in cooking classes (for that culture) and have the child take part with you - or prepare a meal together at home
• go to restaurants of their ethnicity
• Perhaps celebrate their "gotcha day"(the day the adoption was finalized) at a restaurant of their ethnicity
• learn some words of their background
• learn the history of their country - heroes, legends etc
• understand national holidays of their country and celebrate it - ie Chinese New Year
• if our child were to already have a name, KEEP the name even as a middle or 3rd name, but do not entirely take it away...children attach to their name even if you do not think so...
• submerge them with other children of hopefully like nationalty and if they are also adopted...BONUS!
• create and maintain a LIFE BOOK (BIG ONE!!) - a blog post all in itself!

We learned how to answer the difficult questions children WOULD Have...

• why was I abandoned?
• how much did I cost?
• If my birth parents didn't have money, why didn't you just give them the money?
• there was more but...

How to answer... wow... just message me if you really want to know!

The long and short answer for almost any difficult question: reassure...reassure...reassure. YOU are their real Mommy and Daddy, YOU are and always will be their forever family, he/she will never be bought or sold because that is not what adoption is. We made a plan, we chose them. 

We finished by talking about alphabet soup:

• HIV
• ADHD
• FAS
• FAE
• SSD
• and again...I am sure there are more...

The bottom line is, know what you can accept-by way of challenges you are willing to adapt to... be true with yourself. And also... do not always go by the "label" because... children can excel far beyond said "labels". An awesome link Sofie shared is below:

Labelling Kids with Bogus Mental Disorders

Additionally - and lastly for Saturday, we discussed the importance of creating our profile (for candidacy), the importance of a LIFE BOOK and addressing the questions our children might face at school. As much as we want to protect our children, there will be the insensitive questions from their peers. Prepare your children ahead of time, ensure that from the beginning, your child is aware of the positive adoption language (referenced in my previous post: no clever title just what i learned ) ensure you have open communication and welcome questions, and if we feel so inclined, we could go in to their classrooms and educate the children on what adoption means and is... Sofie wrote a beautifully articulated book: What is adoption.

can be purchased via amazon: What Is Adoption?

By the time we left on Saturday, we were pretty on par with where our head was at...We also were excited to start our LIFE book for our little one and lastly, we started thinking about how and what we wanted our life book to look like.

All in All... it was a super tiring and productive Saturday Session... 

Today... 

Well today was an amazing day... 

We went through questions that uneducated/insensitive friends and family might ask and how we might combat said stupidity - ooops, that wasn't my inside voice eh?

some of the questions were as such (take this as a hint never to ask these questions):

• It's so great you "rescued" this child, what would they have ever done if you didn't "rescue "them?
• What do you know about their real mom?
• how much did he cost?
• I hear their real mom is in their life, you know they'll never love you the same way, right?
• you could never love this child as intensely as your real child, it's just not the same

In addition to learning to combat these questions, we also heard from so many guest speakers:

• past adoptees - with good and bad stories
• past adoptees who went on to adopt themselves
• past adoptees who created an adoption plan for their own child and now live in an open adoption with their birth child's parents
• and lastly, a couple who suffered through infertility and went on to adopt two wonderful children - one with ZERO complications - a clean bill of health at birth and clean history from Mother and Father, whom has now presented with a learning disability and a second child who came with traces of cocaine and two other drugs in their bloodstream, whose mother didn't know she was pregnant till two weeks before delivering and during that time, consumed unknown amounts of alcohol...who now, has developed exceptionally well at the age of 6 and presents ZERO signs of disabilities or learning challenges. - The point being, you will never know! It is in God's hands... and He will always know what you and your spouse can handle - even if you don't believe it or know it yet!

In all of their stories, the resonating point was such: OPEN ADOPTION IS AN INTEGRAL PART OF THIS PROCESS!!! And if you're not on board, you need to get over your own insecurities and GET ON BOARD for the benefit of your child! 

Marc and I were certainly in the CLOSED ADOPTION camp. We thought we could not manage with "sharing" this child with their birth mother/father... Sofie helped us see... this is not about us... and knowing their birth mother does not mean they will love us less, and it does not mean she can take them back. These children will be OUR forever family... that being said... this child of your does not have all of their pieces to their puzzle. Whereas in most birth families, we will know where we got our eyes from, our smile, our hair colour, smarts, artistic side etc... these little ones will have question marks that we will never be able to satisfy. IF their birth mother is willing to be part of their story, and complete parts of their puzzle, why wouldn't we want to help our child transition more smoothly? Why wouldn't we want to mitigate their pain - in ways that are within our powers?

We are now very much on board with helping our child complete their puzzles.

To hear these adoptees today, speak with great healing but still, a small bit of pain about not knowing; to think there is a better way of doing things versus adoption 30 years ago...to believe our children can have an even larger family and their love can expand past "us" through open adoption... makes me even more proud of this child we have yet to meet....

Through this training... our eyes have been opened to the "cons" of adoption. The non-romaticized version of adoption - and still... and even more... we WANT THIS CHILD!

Through this training... our minds have been prepared for the reality of illness, addiction, attachment issues etc ... and still... and even more... we WANT THIS CHILD!

Through this training... our hearts have been broken with the painful stories we witnessed, our hearts have hurt alongside the parents that also suffered through infertility, miscarriages, disappointments again, again and again... 

And... our hearts have grown...through this breaking and hurting...through likely millions of tears at this point.. it has grown stronger and bigger to see past ME AND YOU and to actually see the "US" God is preparing for Marc and I in a very new, very different way...

Now...  we are even more prepared... more determined... more encouraged. And we know with complete certainty...

WE WANT THIS CHILD!

God has paved this path for Marc and I, and that is... mind blowing. This is something the rightmost side of my brain could NEVER ever DREAM UP!!! And... it is AWESOME. It is ... simply ... 

AWESOME

I've got no other words for it. 

Today... as you can see... is a good day. It is a positive day... and... when (notice I say "when") I have those down days again... I will need to reminded of June 3... I will need to be reminded that God has a plan that is AWESOME, and mind blowing and unfathomable at many times...

But today... is a good day... and that, is what I am going to hold on to tonight.

Be Blessed!

Better Yesterday than Today?

So... I woke up pretty alright. 7 hours of sleep, that's amazing relative to recent weeks! And... I felt ok.

Walked the pups with my brother... and then, went to meet my girlfriends for coffee before work. My friends Anne and D are a lot of my strength. They've been a great deal of Spiritual Support; Encouragement; they've been a physical presence when I just needed to not be alone... and I'm very blessed to have them with me (us) and on this journey with me (us).

Problem is... sometimes, they ask the hard questions. - Or not "hard" per se, but, the questions I don't want to address. The questions I didn't want to answer now...

Why not? Because then, they're out there in the universe, right? And this coffee date, was no exception to those questions. The hard questions: where are you at with foster to adopt...how do you feel, what are you thinking, what's holding you back, what are you fearful of... lots of solid questions... and most especially, questions I did not want to address. 

I went from waking up good, to now tearing up every two minutes and being sad about things that I had no control over and thus... not so much control over making myself feel better... (not the right attitude but the real attitude of how I was feeling) 

SIDENOTE: I learned that this post was never published, and thus, this is now like a week later... 

onwards then...

(the good thing is, I'm in a better place today than I was when I started this post LOL)

"Better" is a relative term. "Better" means not necessarily good, but it means an improvement from where I was. And that... is very awesome - especially if you knew where my head-space has been - often times three steps away from the ledge is what it seemed like.

This has likely been the most challenging year I've experienced.. either that, or, time heals the wounds of the past...or dulls the memory... either of which is likely the more viable answer. In any event... IVF since 2010 till now, adoption, reality etc... has made this year very real, very numbing and extremely heart breaking.

By the grace of God... we are still here, and stronger than perhaps we thought we could ever be.. By the grace of God, there are options  that neither Marc or I ever thought of - or... never thought we would ever consider... Adoption? Ehhh...maybe... Fostering?!?! Definitely wasn't on our radar...

That is a blessing I think. I think it's a blessing that through this process... through the failed natural attempts and failed "assisted" attempts... a family that would've NEVER given thought to adoption and fostering are now sitting here thinking.. hmm...it doesn't seem so bad....and not solely because it gives us a chance to be a family... but because we give a child a chance to be a part of a family...the opportunity they otherwise... may not have been privy to.

So.. to this day... May 24th... I cry for sometimes no reason.. and I "pain" for no reason... I get sad at other people's baby joys *forgive me... but I am genuinely and simultaneously happy for them - I promise! My heart drops at thoughts that should normally make my heart skip a beat... Memories are often my enemy... and the future is rather... duller than it use to be... but... in between this dark phase of my life... I have moments of joy and of clarity. Reminders that God is great... and that I shouldn't feel such sadness... and most importantly though... at this stage... I am reminded that I am still "ok" ... and all of the emotions that I am experiencing, are quasi normal. God will meet me where I am. And when I have a great day, followed by a terrible day... He will be there. He will be patient... hold me once again... embrace me yet another night... and reassure me alllll over again, that everything will be fine....

If there is one thing I can say to anyone reading this...friend, family, stranger soon to be friend...whatever the case may be... the up's and down's are normal - though I personally know...it does NOT seem that way. We are human. We are emotional. We are passionate. And we want what we want when we want it, right? As God following, and as faithful as we are... we have also have desires that burn in our hearts...God gets that... and the up's and downs, are simply an outward sign of 10% of the crazy that's going on inside us. (I've reflected on icebergs this week and figured this could be a good and true analogy!). One thing though... in all that we do, and in all that we feel... I... we... need to bring it and give it to God. There is no other way out of this crazy. And there is nothing more I can do than that which I am already doing... the rest...is in God's hands and we need to keep going back to Him... crying to the wind will doing nothing for us, and it will not better our situation in any way... crying to our friends and family is certainly support... a support God outwardly blesses us with... but the base, the foundation, is Him... and without Him... the structure falls apart, right?

One day Lord... I will feel and be "normal" again. I will be better at making you happy, and proud ... and you will be pleased... I promise... 

For now, please be patient with me... for now... please deal with my (not belittling this) bipolar-isms... 

God thank you for who you are in my life. Thank you for being the most patient. The most understanding. Thank you for a Spirit that can intercede when the words just do not come out. Thank you for understanding me through nothing more than my tears and sobs and simple cries of your name... Thank you for never giving up, and thank you for making me better than I was..

A lump in my heart…

My Definition: A feeling of constriction in the heart caused by emotion

You know how people talk about lumps in their throats, that feeling of wanting to cry but holding it back, or having ALL THIS EMOTION with nowhere to go with it…

I've had this lump in my heart, and my stomach for the last week and a bit now. And I am thinking, it's overstayed its welcome.

First off, let me start by saying…I think I'm crazy. I think I'm crazy for having up's and downs, for being good for a day or two, and then, falling apart at the site of a happy family, or a precious moments figurine (that was Saturday's adventures!). It's not because I hate them and their happiness - that'd be kinda mean, it's that I hate that I can't be equally happy - or rather, fulfilled in the same way. I think I'm crazy. Though…many friends say it's normal, and I'm sure I would advise the same to my other friends, but… the same grace, I do not give myself - at least I can admit this, right?

Last week, was a blur for all but Friday. Friday, I met with our IVF doctor - a meeting I was dreading because he would really not have anything good to say. Either, he'd say "I don't know what the problem is" - sucky, or, he'd say "I think the problem is this," thereby getting our hopes up again that we can fix the proverbial "this" and "encouraging" us to go through this process yet another time.

The meeting proved to be the latter situation. The one where, let's not focus on you Chrissy, but let's guestimate that it's gotta be the sperm because everything else was fine. So, in addition to me feeling as 'strong' as I was, my poor husband is now battling his worse fears coming to reality in that he'd always thought he was the problem. DISCLAIMER! He is NOT the problem and there's not ONE DAY of my life where'd I ever believe such a thing. But try telling a wounded husband that it's not him and tell me how it goes. Everyone has their "cross to bear" and their paths to walk, you know? And as such, I will continue to encourage, reassure and pray…but that's all I can do.

The doctors have suggested we try a procedure whereby, they do a small incision directly into his testicles and take the sperm right from the source. The argument: it's fresh and has the highest probability of sustaining itself. They indicated they werent sure why we were able to successfully achieve the chemical pregnancy, but not a "live" pregnancy… but they are hopeful this will work. (I'm glad they are). They sent us home to research on our own, "TESTICULAR SPERM" and said we would regroup the following week to discuss and determine next steps.

Husband wants to try. He feels, this is the "least" he could do with all the stuff I've gone through (his opinion, not mine!). He feels this is perhaps our last chance to have our "own" baby - I get that… NOT because there's anything wrong with adopting, and that bus is still moving, but, of course it's different when this little one is genetically, part of you and him, right?

Good Segway to the Adoption Bus…

We have our first info session scheduled for April 30th for Public Adoption…good!

And the PRIDE co-ordinator of adoptioneducation.ca got back to me to indicate the july session had been cancelled and thus, we would be given a seating in the May session. Seems good. Problem: as of this morning, I'm having a hard time getting the days off of work. The whole TWO days i'd requested...because I am that integral to the overall operations.... Really?!?! At some point in time… many points lately... I feel like yelling

THROW ME A BONE!!!!

You know what I mean? I'm just tired. "Tired" is the word of this year (so far)…
I was thinking… it's APRIL! Month 4 of 12!!! It's been a LONG 2012 already!

Chrissy is TIRED.

I need a break! Problem is…I don't have time to have a break (whaaaaat??).
Ironic that a break needs to be scheduled in eh? But it's true... and that's life. I have no time! I have all these vacation days that are promised to other things - such as yet another ivf cycle - that's 7 days... and then 2 days at least for the P.R.I.D.E. training... a wedding... a vacation in November... so I am spent... and can likely get some relief in November. Question is, what do I do to sustain myself, sustain my sanity, my focus, my peace, my MIND!!! from Month 4 all the way to Month 11????? Ideas would be super helpful though I fault you not for having no answers.

The right/correct answer is to "pray". The answer is to seek that peace which only God can provide ... that is the "answer"....

Adoption Breakthrough?

So...

My Sister in law reached out to her cousin regarding adoption simply because she cares and her cousin has been through this. So, her caring outweighed the fact that I really didn't want anyone FURTHER to know.

What SIL said to me was this:
"Good Morning Crystal. Did you have a nice Easter?  I was talking to my cousin Rosanna yesterday about adoption. Her and her husband have spent a few years trying. Unfortunately, do to both of their medical conditions they are not suitable adoptive parents. She gave me a number to pass along to you. This woman, Elizabeth is a social worker who does home studies. She will come to your home and explain the whole adoption process. The first visit is free after that it will cost approx 2500. Rosanna said she is fantastic and very thorough. She know the areas around the city where there is less interest in adoption and can make the process a little easier. My cousin's last name is Leworthy and she said you can feel welcome to mention her name. Rosanna is the only one I discussed your situation with. I hope you don't mind. I just saw the opportunity to try to help. Rosanna said to call her anytime if you have any questions. Her number is..."


Thoughts: well... it's a 'light" ... a beacon of some hope... but... let's call to make that decision. 


Come lunch time, I snuck into an office and made "the call". I was convinced, just like the rest, that I would get a voice mail. Lo and behold... not so much the case. She answered, we spoke and her input was, direct, to the point, and without a coat of sugar.


She spoke about adoption privately and with CAS. She spoke of international adoption. She said the choice was very large in part due to your preferences in child's age and timeframe in which you want this to happen. 


I explained we did not need an infant and we'd agreed we'd go up to 3-4 years old. I further explained gender and race were not an issue and finished by telling her special needs were NOT out the door; there were simply some needs we thought we'd be confident to manage, and others... not so much.


She said that based on our range, it wasn't impossible. She said that if I wanted an infant with CAS, the time frame would be "now to never" ... 

AWESOME

She said if we wanted a little one within the next two years, international would be the only way to go...

AWESOME

And then, she gave me some solid advice regarding speaking with international adoption agencies. She said call them, ask for references. As to speak with recent adopters. And then she also advised that we would need to take the PRIDE course as Mandated through the Ontario government.

All in all... she was the first person I spoke to. And she gave me matter of fact information... I guess Anto and I have a lot of talking to do and more importantly, praying.

We will be still, and listen to His instruction... I may make it sound easy - and I (today) believe it will be easy. But, I'm sure that we will face further "challenges". And I'm sure there will be moments of weakness. I'm sure there will be more tears shed and more sleepless nights, but... as Laura Story's song, "Blessings" (http://youtu.be/1CSVqHcdhXQ) says... 

"what if your blessings come through rain drops, what if your healing comes through tears, what if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near. What if trials in this life... are Your mercies in disguise"

There are not many things I am certain of. That being said, God... His mercies...His Love...His compassion and His intention for my life - for our lives, is something I would bank my eternal salvation on any day, and today, I'm stepping out of my misery, and stepping into a path that God paved for me well before the day I was born.

My Misery does NOT love Company... NOT ONE BIT!

Today was a rough day. It started off rough with a weight on my chest that felt so heavy that I thought I would collapse to my knees. Where it came from... who knows. BUT! The story does not end here!

Today was also a day that seemed "rough" (understatement) for many of my loved ones. One woke up really... "icky" another had a weekend that I would never wish on any of my future children - including a heartbreak that...just isn't ready to heal, and the last, had a burden that... probably quadruply outweighed mine. And throughout a workday that started with me "venting" to them, I learned...

This world was not about me and me alone. 

Today...

I was gently scolded by my God and reminded that 

there is hurt all around me

and the longer I take to heal... the less effective and supportive I can be to many of those hurting; the less effective I can be to the friends I call sisters; the less effective I can be to the co-workers who know the light of Jesus is in me - which recently must've seemed to them, as though it was hidden under a bowl. Not to mention, I have not been a strong, supportive wife - but that's not relevant to today's post.

This afternoon, as I spoke with one of my friends... I spoke about "Jesus Love things" - words of encouragement, support, etc., all the while thinking 

"Crys, are you kidding me?!? how can YOU talk God things?!?! 

Have you seen yourself lately? 

You can't give it up to Him, but want to encourage others to do so... 

you want them to heal... but won't give yourself the same grace...

So... what leg do you have atop credibility today, to mark you worthy to speak on this subject?"

*Hmmm... good point Conscience*

So... 

That's It!! I have decided!

I'm done. 

I'm done feeling sad. 

I'm done "giving up". 

I'm done carrying this burden that was never mine to carry.

I'm done being useless to my friends.

I'm done causing them to feel the need to carry my burdens.

My MISERY DOES NOT LOVE COMPANY!

My misery wants to be alone... my misery is selfish and DOES NOT 

want to share the misery space with others...

So clearly, it's time for mine to go so I can assist these other "misery's" in

finding another place to rest - versus their current locations 

in the hearts of my friends....

Praise the Lord for snapping me out of it!

Praise the Lord for NEVER giving up on me!

Amen and Amen

Thoughts in my Brainz

This weekend was interesting to say the least.

Not the typical "Easter Weekend" I would have liked it to be but... that seems to be a trend in this period in my life - note that I am fully aware that it is simply a period! Thus, I know there is a light up ahead - I just hope it's not a train wreck coming straight at me!!!

I worked more days than I would've liked. "sold my soul to the devil" and worked Good Friday to help cover some of the costs of the futile IVF sessions, and I also worked Saturday - which was normally scheduled, so nothing different there.

Friday I went out with my Bestests to end up having one of the worsests times...

Awesome

  We had a table at a resto that was first super cold around us, then, there was live music which was not my idea of a conducive speaking environment. I ended up inviting them over, made some wrong choices and somewhere along the way, there was an intervention of sorts including tears, hostility and aggression, coupled with hurt feelings and non-closure in some aspects.

Awesome

The "intervention" wasn't on me, but as the night was winding down, the tables turned and low and behold, I had to get dragged in too! 

Super

True Fact that I learned through my "intervention": something's wrong with me because things that used to give me joy, no longer do - most specifically, my work. I knew there was something amidst but... yeah, you're right... I get no joy out of a job that once gave me so much. And.. I don't know what to do about that, nor do I know how to fix it today. Meh... I still wish I could completely delete Friday!

Saturday I went to work - a place that I did not want to be... had a frustrating/draining conversation with a friend that gave me ZERO positive energy but meh.. and then Marc and I went to Anne's Church for a beautiful Easter Program.

Scores! This could be the turning point in the weekend! Or...

The Program was a hard pill to swallow, but absolutely accurate and the song selection really impacted me in a good way. Afterwards, we chatted for a bit, then Anto and I went to dinner by ourselves (I'm starting to have some revelations about this as well but perhaps I'll leave that for another time).

Dinner... was quite good. A solid hour of quality time before we went to my other gf Amy's place. On the way to Amy's, we spoke about "stuff" things were good... and then as soon as we got to Amy's it's like it was th furthest place from where Anto wanted to be. He was chillin and such but, he wasn't engaging much in convo, didn't have a whole to add and I'm sitting there thinking... WHAT THE CRAP.

En route home, he decided to let me in on his ONGOING frustrations.. I don't know why we had to go out anyway, I didn't want to do this, that...whatever... 

SIGH

Then in venting to my other gf... her husband pops a vein and therein ends my venting session, and my confidant and...

Serves me Right

I shouldn't have gotten used to venting to my friend. I shouldn't have gotten comfortable/dependent on their presence. I knew it too. I called it out Friday... but... that didn't change anything. When Saturday came and I was feeling frustrated, I just sat ...thought about blogging but...ended up ... just not.

I slept early, midnight-ish - GOOD FOR ME! Woke up at 530 but, we won't discuss why. Started to jump on facebook and reminisce through 2007/8. That was fun! I saw so many good, happy pics... I loved it. Started to feel a love/warmth that I hadn't much been feeling, started tagging people and wishing them Happy Easter... things were alright-ish.

Then, got up and outta bed to walk my pups with my bro.. and on that walk... I learned some "good" stuff but terribly disheartening for me...

Brother spoke with his client who had adopted. 

Client adopted and 3 weeks later, maternal mother took the baby back - they have 1 month to change their mind.

They tried to rationalize, but it didn't work.

They are very willing to speak with me as they find it therapeutic.

One piece of info they did share, was the home study was about 8 months long...

OooOOOoh, therein lies the rub: 8 months! ... now wait... if this is 8 months, and the next bi-annual meting is in October... thinking....thinking... 

I will NEVER pass the home study in time for October

Therefore, i will need to wait till the NEXT Bi-Annual Meeting. Sigh...

That's fine, red wine will unfortunately infiltrate my afternoon and make things a slight bit easier. 

I went to Church with D...the service was good... It was about putting expectations on ourselves that we are not able to live up to at times - not only because of inabilities, but also because of circumstance. Sounded pretty good eh? Yeah, I couldn't concentrate so I didn't get much more outta that. I did however, learn that the conclusion was: these expectations were never from God, so feeling like you let Him down is ridiculous considering He never placed this burden on you to begin with.

When they started talking about communion, I bounced outta there as it was not something I was in the frame of mind to partake in. I chilled outside and waited for D to finish up.

We basically went home, I drowned things a touch with some Red poison, and while we chilled, D shared some wisdom that I found quite poignant.

She told me that I was assuming God has said "no" to children everrr, but... God never said that. He may  have been letting things "not happen", but he never said "ever". - Hmmm, good point. This was raised when I spoke about not giving this up to Him because it's closing a door I'd much rather keep open. Regardless, her point was well received. God never said no, you just assumed He had.

She also listened as I spoke about the adoption thing... and reminded me that God was also in control of this, and in His time, everything will fall into place the way He would want it to be.

SIGH!

On another note. While at our friends' this evening, I played with their wonderful boy that was just an awesome and quasi clingy boy today. It was great! and later this evening, I was told today that I was going to be a Ninang - filipino for God Mother. That warmed my heart... and made me feel very honoured...and it too was bittersweet. Why... I don't know. I guess I'm just being a loser... Hmm... who knows.

So... here I am... awake... without my normal late night confidant, and feeling really really dumb for allowing myself to get too dependent on someone.

Altogether... not a fantastic Easter Weekend ...

It is my hope that this week becomes great.

It is my hope that I get stronger - back to my old independent "i can do this myself" self.

It is my hope that the adoption people call me back and tell me something good. 

It is my hope that I am able to carry some kid some how, some way...that is mine.

Meh... this looks like it's gonna be a long week....

Having a Hard Time Letting Myself Feel...

My bestests have been lovingly "ragging" on me about "feelings".

Wondering:

why am I having a hard time letting myself feel

why won't I allow myself to cry this out

why can't I embrace the sadness

why aren't you sleeping

why aren't you eating

blah blah blah 

A bunch of hippie talk, you know? (I'm kidding!) Their questioning, only comes from the part of your heart that truly cries and aches when their loved ones hurt... and... 

I think they are not understanding why, their heart is breaking... and I'm putting up such a stone cold (not exactly) exterior.

This post will have no finish, no resolve... because, in order to finish... I think I would need to purge. That's not going to happen. And in order to finish, I must first know the answer. That too, is not happening tonight - and by tonight, it's past 330am EST.

*pro·logue*

Noun:

1. a separate introductory section of a literary work or musical work;

2. an event or action that leads to another event or situation

God, is my Leader, My GUIDE, My refuge... forever and always.

I believe He is the only "WAY" in this world, and it is my purpose and desire to serve only Him 

(I'm going somewhere with this, just keep up!).

To know God, is to know first and foremost, that He loved us SO MUCH that he Gave up His son FOR US! - He DIED the most TERRIBLE and SHAMEFUL death, 

on the Cross... Who does that?!?! 

(How appropriate and COMPLETELY unplanned that today is NOW Good Friday!)

That... is BIG STUFF - more so than what I'm going through today.

*real time*

To say I follow Him... implies that I also TRUST Him... with my ALL(everything)...

To say that I trust Him... means that what has happened... what IS happening...

Was God ... 'Allowed' (don't put too much thought into my choice of words).

In my mind... since this is true... I shouldn't be "sad".

I shouldn't be "hurt"

In my mind, I should be at peace... 

I should be still in the knowledge that 

HE HAS EVERYTHING PLANNED PERFECTLY 

Just for Me!

So... 

Why purge?

Why talk?

Why cry?

I know there are answers to certainly refute my logic... I know this. 

But... this is my... "test" ... and I am "on stage" 

(again... not too much thought into my words please). 

I have many friends and family whom I want to know Jesus, whom I want to understand 

HIS 

*UNCONDITIONAL*

UNWAVERING, 

GENUINE, 

PURE...

LOVE. 

And I need to show this world that no matter how ridiculously DUMB... 

How absolutely PAINFUL these things are... 

It's no match for the One that can Move Mountains,

that can heal the broken hearted,

that has raised the dead,

and given Hope to the hopeless.

I need to stay STRONG

Problem Is...

I'm not okay

WHY am I so broken today?!?!

The "no" I heard from the adoption person - which (as you can see from my previous post) wasn't a no at all, but rather an "in october"..... Was perceived by me like a "no".

And I think......

I just wasn't prepped to take another "no".... or a "Yes but later" kinda answer....

You know, maybe, just maybe I'm unstable, and there would've been no good response from the adoption person...

Maybe.

My Boss asked me to come visit with him... we went into an office; he sat with me and asked what's goin on. I explained I'm not having a solid "head space" day. Through some discussion, I explained, there's nothing physically wrong with Me or Marc... there's no physical reason this didn't work...he's like..."okay, then?"

"It was God"

*insert heart break*

He didn't want this for us. He willed for this not to work. He sat there and said, everything can line up as much as you would like to see, but this is not my time. 

There is nothing wrong w me physically, as far as any doctor is telling me.
There's nothing wrong w Anto, as far as any doctor is telling me.
The eggs worked, or at least grew.
The sperm wiggled or did whatever it needed to do..

 Nothing on paper seems wrong.
So then.....

*the moment of truth*

MY GOD DOES NOT WANT ME TO 

BEAR A BABY

*place final straw to collapse the back here*

NOTE: I am not mad at my Heavenly Father. I am sad and embarrassed.

I'm sad I don't measure up.

I'm sad I'm not worthy of carrying a baby for him.

I'm embarrassed because I feel like He's tried to tell me, 

Not ONCE,

But TWICE before!!!

"Crys, are you even listening??? Where am I unclear??? This is NOT going to Happen"

Lord, I know I am not worthy. And I am sorry I have been 'ignoring' your signs. 

This heartbreak is only one that you can take away. 

And my heart is broken in only a way you can repair.

But...

I'm embarrassed to give this to you.

I'm embarrassed that I didn't listen.

And I'm scared to talk to you about the adoption...

I'm scared you're going to say no... and I can't hear that right now.

So, I'll live in my pretend world if you don't mind. Just for a little while.

And will hide my face in shame from you (REGARDING THIS), until I am confident to come to you again.