Phone Calls That Change Everything

So... on Dec 7th, MarcAnto and I got a strange call from our Practitioner.

She'd called to speak to us about a sibling group of two that we were not being considered for through CAS... huh? Yup. That was the call. We weren't being considered for a couple reasons - one, our HomeStudy wasn't completed, and two, we weren't a match ethnically for the kids. In any event, she went over the kids' history with me, asked quite a few questions, including would you and Marc be willing to accept children of a different race, and then concluded by asking me to talk things over with Marc and get back to her - on the children we weren't being considered for. Don't worry, I was just as confused.

There wasn't a whole lot of talking I needed to do with Anto, because we knew what we were willing and not willing to accept. By now... YOU BETTER KNOW!! I emailed my practitioner that evening, gave her a thought-filled run down of how we felt and why, and she had replied and said she'd be in touch.

On Monday, I received a phone call from Children's Aid. They indicated they'd spoken to my practitioner and asked if it were okay to contact me directly. She went in to further detail about the sibling group, and asked if we could all meet to discuss them in length - if we believed this was something we were willing to consider. *Blink Blink* ...

Is this really happening. Are we really going to sit down with CAS and chat about "real" children?! with Names and All?!?! Lol!

This was serious! like FOR REAL!

Okay... so once I composed myself... I spoke to Marc, and confirmed a date and time with CAS.

Wednesday, December 12!

This is now the part where I start to panic, freak out, run in imaginary circles (in my mind)... and rush to get the house composed for the visit in TWO DAYS! LOL!

Not too good at this blogging thing

  I know that this blogging deal serves two purposes:

• One: it's therapeutic for me
• Two: it can serve to help others.

Theoretically... the way I've been writing... is moreso for me than for others. Sorry "others" !!!

The adoption overall... the "mission" to be a Mom... has not been easy. It's come with a great deal of pain... discouragement... sadness...emptiness... defeat... I'm pretty sure I could fill up a page. At the same time, the mission has strengthened me, beyond even my imagination's expectations. My faith in my God - whom I've adored forever, is at a level that I don't feel I could've arrived at, had I not gone along this path. Would I do it all the same if I had a choice? Umm... well... *scratches head* ... selfishly... I'm not confident to say yes on that one. So praise God for being in the driver's seat eh?

So, where do things stand with the adoption process today? Well, 7 months later, Marc and I have completed all the necessary home study interviews and provided all paper work necessary. In October, we were well in the mindset of applying to the Philippines internationally along with Children's Aid Peel.

There was some additional requirements Philippines needed - included in which was a psychological assessment, and my practitioner had requested I call Cornerstone to confirm whether the eval had to be done with a specific Dr. or whether I could go anywhere. So as I made that call on October 31, my disposition changed, and my heart dropped once again. We were informed of the answer to my question, but was also told that Philippines was no longer accepting applications until AT LEAST April 2013 as a result of the high volume of applicants.

So in doing the math, I realized, I would need to wait probably at best, well into 2016 to maybe be a mama. MAYBE!!! Wow... what a disappointment, and what a defeat to a mission that hadn't even really started - meaning, I'd not even submitted my application yet. I was SUPER dejected...

Thank God for Marc. After giving me some time to grieve, he reminded me that God was the controller. God continued to have our paths mapped, and our job was simply to follow and remain on course. He reminded me that in addition to Philippines, we still were applying to CAS, and perhaps, this is where God had wanted to lead us. In my mind, I agreed with all Marc had said except had little faith in CAS. Why? Well, at the info session, our Representative had informed us that the wait could be now tilll never... comforting words!

I spoke with my Practitioner, advised her of the Philippines details and she clearly knew I needed time to absorb. She'd asked me whether I had my heart set on PI, and I explained it wasn't a heart setting but rather, I'd seen it as my only hope due to the "now or never" comment. She sighed, looked at us and said, 'please take that with a grain of salt'. Unfortunately, they have to say this... there are many individuals that expect a baby very quickly, and don't realize the process involved, and as a result, CAS has been advised to sort of... "reality check" those applicants. - I am paraphrasing now but, that was the jist of it. So... that was a little more comforting - in addition to my voice-of-reason spouse!

And from there, we continued to trek along and life continued to get interesting...

Congratulations! You are Now Pregnant Through Adoption

Today, we COMPLETED our PRIDE TRAINING! Woot Woot!!! What a BIG DEAL  this is!! Marc and I are ecstatic with the feeling and sense of accomplishment. Sofie concluded our class by saying "Congratulations! You are now Pregnant Through Adoption!" LOL! Funny lady!

Us with Our Certificate

Considering the past 2 months leading up to this, I was (and still can be) a basket case, we have certainly come a long way! These last two days of Pride were again, overwhelming (not as much as the first two days but...) and reassuring in that what we are doing is what we are destined to be doing.

Yesterday, we learned further about attachment, transition issues our child will experience and "alphabet soup" - also know as the "Scare you to death list of Syndromes/Diseases/Ailments" your child could have.

In discussing the "transition issues" we discussed what challenges we could expect them to experience:

• cultural transition if they are coming to us internationally
• change of food (again if they are international)
• language
• religion
• tradition/customs/holidays
• name change (identity transition)
• multi sibling units to single family dwelling
• change of environment/climate etc

We also discussed ways to address these concerns:

• learn their culture and do not discourage their learning of their heritage
• take part in cooking classes (for that culture) and have the child take part with you - or prepare a meal together at home
• go to restaurants of their ethnicity
• Perhaps celebrate their "gotcha day"(the day the adoption was finalized) at a restaurant of their ethnicity
• learn some words of their background
• learn the history of their country - heroes, legends etc
• understand national holidays of their country and celebrate it - ie Chinese New Year
• if our child were to already have a name, KEEP the name even as a middle or 3rd name, but do not entirely take it away...children attach to their name even if you do not think so...
• submerge them with other children of hopefully like nationalty and if they are also adopted...BONUS!
• create and maintain a LIFE BOOK (BIG ONE!!) - a blog post all in itself!

We learned how to answer the difficult questions children WOULD Have...

• why was I abandoned?
• how much did I cost?
• If my birth parents didn't have money, why didn't you just give them the money?
• there was more but...

How to answer... wow... just message me if you really want to know!

The long and short answer for almost any difficult question: reassure...reassure...reassure. YOU are their real Mommy and Daddy, YOU are and always will be their forever family, he/she will never be bought or sold because that is not what adoption is. We made a plan, we chose them. 

We finished by talking about alphabet soup:

• HIV
• ADHD
• FAS
• FAE
• SSD
• and again...I am sure there are more...

The bottom line is, know what you can accept-by way of challenges you are willing to adapt to... be true with yourself. And also... do not always go by the "label" because... children can excel far beyond said "labels". An awesome link Sofie shared is below:

Labelling Kids with Bogus Mental Disorders

Additionally - and lastly for Saturday, we discussed the importance of creating our profile (for candidacy), the importance of a LIFE BOOK and addressing the questions our children might face at school. As much as we want to protect our children, there will be the insensitive questions from their peers. Prepare your children ahead of time, ensure that from the beginning, your child is aware of the positive adoption language (referenced in my previous post: no clever title just what i learned ) ensure you have open communication and welcome questions, and if we feel so inclined, we could go in to their classrooms and educate the children on what adoption means and is... Sofie wrote a beautifully articulated book: What is adoption.

can be purchased via amazon: What Is Adoption?

By the time we left on Saturday, we were pretty on par with where our head was at...We also were excited to start our LIFE book for our little one and lastly, we started thinking about how and what we wanted our life book to look like.

All in All... it was a super tiring and productive Saturday Session... 

Today... 

Well today was an amazing day... 

We went through questions that uneducated/insensitive friends and family might ask and how we might combat said stupidity - ooops, that wasn't my inside voice eh?

some of the questions were as such (take this as a hint never to ask these questions):

• It's so great you "rescued" this child, what would they have ever done if you didn't "rescue "them?
• What do you know about their real mom?
• how much did he cost?
• I hear their real mom is in their life, you know they'll never love you the same way, right?
• you could never love this child as intensely as your real child, it's just not the same

In addition to learning to combat these questions, we also heard from so many guest speakers:

• past adoptees - with good and bad stories
• past adoptees who went on to adopt themselves
• past adoptees who created an adoption plan for their own child and now live in an open adoption with their birth child's parents
• and lastly, a couple who suffered through infertility and went on to adopt two wonderful children - one with ZERO complications - a clean bill of health at birth and clean history from Mother and Father, whom has now presented with a learning disability and a second child who came with traces of cocaine and two other drugs in their bloodstream, whose mother didn't know she was pregnant till two weeks before delivering and during that time, consumed unknown amounts of alcohol...who now, has developed exceptionally well at the age of 6 and presents ZERO signs of disabilities or learning challenges. - The point being, you will never know! It is in God's hands... and He will always know what you and your spouse can handle - even if you don't believe it or know it yet!

In all of their stories, the resonating point was such: OPEN ADOPTION IS AN INTEGRAL PART OF THIS PROCESS!!! And if you're not on board, you need to get over your own insecurities and GET ON BOARD for the benefit of your child! 

Marc and I were certainly in the CLOSED ADOPTION camp. We thought we could not manage with "sharing" this child with their birth mother/father... Sofie helped us see... this is not about us... and knowing their birth mother does not mean they will love us less, and it does not mean she can take them back. These children will be OUR forever family... that being said... this child of your does not have all of their pieces to their puzzle. Whereas in most birth families, we will know where we got our eyes from, our smile, our hair colour, smarts, artistic side etc... these little ones will have question marks that we will never be able to satisfy. IF their birth mother is willing to be part of their story, and complete parts of their puzzle, why wouldn't we want to help our child transition more smoothly? Why wouldn't we want to mitigate their pain - in ways that are within our powers?

We are now very much on board with helping our child complete their puzzles.

To hear these adoptees today, speak with great healing but still, a small bit of pain about not knowing; to think there is a better way of doing things versus adoption 30 years ago...to believe our children can have an even larger family and their love can expand past "us" through open adoption... makes me even more proud of this child we have yet to meet....

Through this training... our eyes have been opened to the "cons" of adoption. The non-romaticized version of adoption - and still... and even more... we WANT THIS CHILD!

Through this training... our minds have been prepared for the reality of illness, addiction, attachment issues etc ... and still... and even more... we WANT THIS CHILD!

Through this training... our hearts have been broken with the painful stories we witnessed, our hearts have hurt alongside the parents that also suffered through infertility, miscarriages, disappointments again, again and again... 

And... our hearts have grown...through this breaking and hurting...through likely millions of tears at this point.. it has grown stronger and bigger to see past ME AND YOU and to actually see the "US" God is preparing for Marc and I in a very new, very different way...

Now...  we are even more prepared... more determined... more encouraged. And we know with complete certainty...

WE WANT THIS CHILD!

God has paved this path for Marc and I, and that is... mind blowing. This is something the rightmost side of my brain could NEVER ever DREAM UP!!! And... it is AWESOME. It is ... simply ... 

AWESOME

I've got no other words for it. 

Today... as you can see... is a good day. It is a positive day... and... when (notice I say "when") I have those down days again... I will need to reminded of June 3... I will need to be reminded that God has a plan that is AWESOME, and mind blowing and unfathomable at many times...

But today... is a good day... and that, is what I am going to hold on to tonight.

Be Blessed!

Super Overwhelmed but Never More Sure...

After two days of training Marc and I are "hyper" overwhelmed, but... we've also never been more sure...

This IS for us... this IS something we are going to do...

By God's grace, direction, power and His Authority... we have arrived here... it is NOT something we've ever planned for...certainly not something I've envisioned... not a direction I thought our lives would take... but... we are here... and we are going to do this.

And as scared as we are...as terrified as I am... I am confident we have been placed here by design, with purpose. And... we will follow. We will remain faithful... and hopeful... cast those fears and insecurities upon Him... and just keep going.

Better Yesterday than Today?

So... I woke up pretty alright. 7 hours of sleep, that's amazing relative to recent weeks! And... I felt ok.

Walked the pups with my brother... and then, went to meet my girlfriends for coffee before work. My friends Anne and D are a lot of my strength. They've been a great deal of Spiritual Support; Encouragement; they've been a physical presence when I just needed to not be alone... and I'm very blessed to have them with me (us) and on this journey with me (us).

Problem is... sometimes, they ask the hard questions. - Or not "hard" per se, but, the questions I don't want to address. The questions I didn't want to answer now...

Why not? Because then, they're out there in the universe, right? And this coffee date, was no exception to those questions. The hard questions: where are you at with foster to adopt...how do you feel, what are you thinking, what's holding you back, what are you fearful of... lots of solid questions... and most especially, questions I did not want to address. 

I went from waking up good, to now tearing up every two minutes and being sad about things that I had no control over and thus... not so much control over making myself feel better... (not the right attitude but the real attitude of how I was feeling) 

SIDENOTE: I learned that this post was never published, and thus, this is now like a week later... 

onwards then...

(the good thing is, I'm in a better place today than I was when I started this post LOL)

"Better" is a relative term. "Better" means not necessarily good, but it means an improvement from where I was. And that... is very awesome - especially if you knew where my head-space has been - often times three steps away from the ledge is what it seemed like.

This has likely been the most challenging year I've experienced.. either that, or, time heals the wounds of the past...or dulls the memory... either of which is likely the more viable answer. In any event... IVF since 2010 till now, adoption, reality etc... has made this year very real, very numbing and extremely heart breaking.

By the grace of God... we are still here, and stronger than perhaps we thought we could ever be.. By the grace of God, there are options  that neither Marc or I ever thought of - or... never thought we would ever consider... Adoption? Ehhh...maybe... Fostering?!?! Definitely wasn't on our radar...

That is a blessing I think. I think it's a blessing that through this process... through the failed natural attempts and failed "assisted" attempts... a family that would've NEVER given thought to adoption and fostering are now sitting here thinking.. hmm...it doesn't seem so bad....and not solely because it gives us a chance to be a family... but because we give a child a chance to be a part of a family...the opportunity they otherwise... may not have been privy to.

So.. to this day... May 24th... I cry for sometimes no reason.. and I "pain" for no reason... I get sad at other people's baby joys *forgive me... but I am genuinely and simultaneously happy for them - I promise! My heart drops at thoughts that should normally make my heart skip a beat... Memories are often my enemy... and the future is rather... duller than it use to be... but... in between this dark phase of my life... I have moments of joy and of clarity. Reminders that God is great... and that I shouldn't feel such sadness... and most importantly though... at this stage... I am reminded that I am still "ok" ... and all of the emotions that I am experiencing, are quasi normal. God will meet me where I am. And when I have a great day, followed by a terrible day... He will be there. He will be patient... hold me once again... embrace me yet another night... and reassure me alllll over again, that everything will be fine....

If there is one thing I can say to anyone reading this...friend, family, stranger soon to be friend...whatever the case may be... the up's and down's are normal - though I personally know...it does NOT seem that way. We are human. We are emotional. We are passionate. And we want what we want when we want it, right? As God following, and as faithful as we are... we have also have desires that burn in our hearts...God gets that... and the up's and downs, are simply an outward sign of 10% of the crazy that's going on inside us. (I've reflected on icebergs this week and figured this could be a good and true analogy!). One thing though... in all that we do, and in all that we feel... I... we... need to bring it and give it to God. There is no other way out of this crazy. And there is nothing more I can do than that which I am already doing... the rest...is in God's hands and we need to keep going back to Him... crying to the wind will doing nothing for us, and it will not better our situation in any way... crying to our friends and family is certainly support... a support God outwardly blesses us with... but the base, the foundation, is Him... and without Him... the structure falls apart, right?

One day Lord... I will feel and be "normal" again. I will be better at making you happy, and proud ... and you will be pleased... I promise... 

For now, please be patient with me... for now... please deal with my (not belittling this) bipolar-isms... 

God thank you for who you are in my life. Thank you for being the most patient. The most understanding. Thank you for a Spirit that can intercede when the words just do not come out. Thank you for understanding me through nothing more than my tears and sobs and simple cries of your name... Thank you for never giving up, and thank you for making me better than I was..

fostering = heart condition?

So... blogging has been my outlet for all things painful. I'm hoping that changes to all things hopeful, positive and uplifting, but lately... I'm playing the role of eeyore - or so it seems in my head anyway.

As mentioned earlier, Today was THE day. The CAS meeting. It was good, and a touch overwhelming. Four pages of notes later (I printed big and indented a lot) and I'm sitting here with a whirlwind of feelings that are just not ready to be placed on "paper" at this point.

The long and short however is this: I am not discouraged - we are not discouraged, Marc and I are prepared and willing to go full steam ahead. That's good, yeah?

The jist of today (or the only thing I heard rather) was that for the fiscal year ending 2011, a total of 39 children in Peel - Mississauga, Brampton, Caledon and Malton, were adopted... 17 in peel, 17 from outside of Peel - typically CAS Toronto and Catholic CAS Toronto and 5 were adopted out to non peel families. *Blink Blink* really... a whole 39?

	Population
Peel	1,159,405
Mississauga	668,549
Brampton	433,806
Caledon	57,050

that works out to be...0.00336% ... wow...how many parents are ready and waiting as we speak: 44. How many are in training 17. How many are waiting for training... I cant remember... I'll give the true stats when I wrap my head around everything.

So if this was you, would be be dejected?

Weird thing is... I wasn't. I don't believe Marc was either but, I failed to ask. I'm tired, don't judge me!

Towards the end of the agenda, Suzanne had already prepositioned that "someone" would be in to discuss fostering because CAS has now combined the Foster and Adoption departments. 

the lady that came  in, did not discuss "pure" fostering. She discussed "fostering with intent" meaning...intention/direction to adopt. The "world" finds that moving children is not a good thing. And fostering is supposed to be temporary. But the problem is, fostering is seldom temporary, and in the meantime, these children get moved A LOT!!! So... fostering with intent would be a long term foster care program. Not 6 children at a time, but 1 - maybe siblings, whatever. And the idea is this... they have not been judged "Crown Wards" = property of the state as yet... parents still have the ability to improve etc, and in the meantime, CAS is petitioning the courts to remove all parental rights.

The need/priority with the fostering with intent is this: infants (words Marc and I never thought we'd here), toddlers - interesting and teenage children... wellllll.... 

the "rub" ... THEY ARE NOT OURS!!! and COULD BE TAKEN AWAY ANYTIME THE JUDGE DOES NOT APPROVE THE PETITION!!!! that is a LOT of heartache!!!!

I fostered a beautifully broken english bulldog (abused beyond what any being should be) for two weeks. It was the most terrible-ist thing to give her up... and I knew the adoptees... but really... I just had such a hard time - I cried, prayed, worried about the consequences of my choices...sigh.... Thus, i'm okay with all the interviews, process etc with this child...I get it.

Lily is great, at weight, and adapting super well after 2 years with my friends Michelle and Kevin <3

In the meantime...

After the meeting concluded, we were going to hand over our "orange" registration form, in exchange for which, we would received our "package". You know, the package, that begins all this... 

And while we filled out the orange sheet, Marc asks... "you chose NO for fostering?". I'm like... yeah... we talked about this. He replied that this was the case before we knew about the shorter time period, the possibility of an infant... etc... *insert rolling eyes here as my life quickly becomes more complicated*.  I carried on to explain to the boy that these children quite likely, will be taken away from us, and delivered back to their (useless - I'm sorry) families... His long and short was, okay, let's just not close the door, and it doesn't hurt to take the info package home, right? ... 

Rrrrright...

So... we've now entered the realm of...adoption, IVF, and fostering with intent... interesting...

Don't get me wrong. I think we would be great at it, but, as I've been resoundingly told... we have bleeding hearts... which is not in the ingredients list of the FOSTER Parents. 

So... 

the pros - as of like 4hrs post meeting... 

if the child goes back..even for a brief time, they were given a great life with us (thanks brother for this one (Anto's perspective - which I love)

ummm... that's all! LOL!

the cons...

heartbreak

loneliness

emptiness

fear/worry/anxiety

 AWESOME!

 So... prayer to the rescue. We do not need to make a decision tonight. And.. the process (homestudy and pride) are all required so... we've got time to pray, meditate and conclude. We'll be fine. It'll work itself out...

Adoption Option

So Today…

Has to have been without a doubt, the BEST day I've had in aWHILE! 

SO last time I wrote, I had spoken with a Home Study individual by the name of Liz (referred by my SIL).  I also mentioned that same day, that enough was ENOUGH! No more sadness, no more zombie-ness… it was time to move on.

And "move," was clearly God's plan for me too!

Today… I received information overload from all sources I'd reached out to! … ALL SOURCES 

Last night, Anne referred me to a blog of a Christian family who went through a similar experience as me and Marc (http://thewilliamsfamilyblog.wordpress.com/ontario-adoption-process/). On that blog, there was a link to http://adoptioneducation.ca/ - a link to assist you with your PRIDE training. So I emailed Sofie for further information.

Also, last night, I got back on the horse, and emailed THREE different International Adoption Agencies specializing in adoption from the Philippines. And lastly, I emailed CAS again.

Today, I got an email from one of the adoption agencies, outlining process fees etc and inviting us to come and speak with them - good!

At lunch time, I got a phone call from Suzanne with CAS!!! *I could literally hear angels sings LOL.* We spoke briefly about process, next steps, why I'm interested… a good, solid conversation, we finished off with her indicating she will be mailing me my invitation to attend the (first step) info session on May 14th I believe.

As I completed the rest of my afternoon, I missed a call from a blocked line, and when I retrieved my messages, I learned it to be Noelle from Adoption Ontario, calling me back from my message (like CAS) left Apr 5th. I'm sitting here and my head is whirling from ALL of the feedback. And ALL right NOW!

I called her back during my last work break; we spoke again, about the steps I'd already taken, the goals that we have and then she invited me to another info session. So, I should have an info session with Adoption ONTARIO on April 30. While on the call with Noelle, I received an email from Sofie with Adoption Education, indicating the below:

Hi Crystal,

What a great blog. It’s great that it was helpful for you.It is exciting that you are looking at adoption to complete your family. I truly believe that things are meant to be, and as an adoptive parent myself, I know that there was a plan that I could not have a child by birth (as I absolutely adore my son who joined our family throughadoption).In terms of the July PRIDE training, I am now in the process of determining if I will be offering that particular session. I will know in two weeks. I have one couple spot left for the May session which I could offer you, otherwise, I will get back to you over the next couple of weeks about July. I will send you the registration information at that time.At some point you will also need to start a homestudy. I would be happy to provide you names of practitioners if you required this.Hopefully we will have a chance to meet Crystal.All the best,

Sofie, was by far, the most meaningful correspondence I'd received. Why? She was excited! She was excited FOR ME!!! You could hear her excitement, and her passion, and her wanting the best for me! Possibly, I'm reading too much into this however, with most of my day (job) focusing around being "in the moment" with our clients… this was "well played". She said "exciting" and "truly believe" "hopefully we will have a chance to meet" - all positive, enforcing words. So… I was encouraged.

PHEW! 

What a day eh?

In reflecting on my day, as the calls and the emails came in, I thought…Man… it's like God was JUST WAITING for me to give it up to Him. And the MOMENT I did…it's like the floodgate was released and

SWOOSH!

Tonnes and tonnes of positive reinforcement indicating that perhaps, Marc and I are on the right track…PERHAPS.

At the end of all of this, I must admit… I've been broken. 

So, I'm cautious, and still, a little anxious.

But Marc and I spoke, shared some of our insecurities and… most importantly, we prayed together. 

I'm confident, God will lead us on the path to happiness - in whatever shape or form that takes. One day at a time, right?

Thoughts in my Brainz

This weekend was interesting to say the least.

Not the typical "Easter Weekend" I would have liked it to be but... that seems to be a trend in this period in my life - note that I am fully aware that it is simply a period! Thus, I know there is a light up ahead - I just hope it's not a train wreck coming straight at me!!!

I worked more days than I would've liked. "sold my soul to the devil" and worked Good Friday to help cover some of the costs of the futile IVF sessions, and I also worked Saturday - which was normally scheduled, so nothing different there.

Friday I went out with my Bestests to end up having one of the worsests times...

Awesome

  We had a table at a resto that was first super cold around us, then, there was live music which was not my idea of a conducive speaking environment. I ended up inviting them over, made some wrong choices and somewhere along the way, there was an intervention of sorts including tears, hostility and aggression, coupled with hurt feelings and non-closure in some aspects.

Awesome

The "intervention" wasn't on me, but as the night was winding down, the tables turned and low and behold, I had to get dragged in too! 

Super

True Fact that I learned through my "intervention": something's wrong with me because things that used to give me joy, no longer do - most specifically, my work. I knew there was something amidst but... yeah, you're right... I get no joy out of a job that once gave me so much. And.. I don't know what to do about that, nor do I know how to fix it today. Meh... I still wish I could completely delete Friday!

Saturday I went to work - a place that I did not want to be... had a frustrating/draining conversation with a friend that gave me ZERO positive energy but meh.. and then Marc and I went to Anne's Church for a beautiful Easter Program.

Scores! This could be the turning point in the weekend! Or...

The Program was a hard pill to swallow, but absolutely accurate and the song selection really impacted me in a good way. Afterwards, we chatted for a bit, then Anto and I went to dinner by ourselves (I'm starting to have some revelations about this as well but perhaps I'll leave that for another time).

Dinner... was quite good. A solid hour of quality time before we went to my other gf Amy's place. On the way to Amy's, we spoke about "stuff" things were good... and then as soon as we got to Amy's it's like it was th furthest place from where Anto wanted to be. He was chillin and such but, he wasn't engaging much in convo, didn't have a whole to add and I'm sitting there thinking... WHAT THE CRAP.

En route home, he decided to let me in on his ONGOING frustrations.. I don't know why we had to go out anyway, I didn't want to do this, that...whatever... 

SIGH

Then in venting to my other gf... her husband pops a vein and therein ends my venting session, and my confidant and...

Serves me Right

I shouldn't have gotten used to venting to my friend. I shouldn't have gotten comfortable/dependent on their presence. I knew it too. I called it out Friday... but... that didn't change anything. When Saturday came and I was feeling frustrated, I just sat ...thought about blogging but...ended up ... just not.

I slept early, midnight-ish - GOOD FOR ME! Woke up at 530 but, we won't discuss why. Started to jump on facebook and reminisce through 2007/8. That was fun! I saw so many good, happy pics... I loved it. Started to feel a love/warmth that I hadn't much been feeling, started tagging people and wishing them Happy Easter... things were alright-ish.

Then, got up and outta bed to walk my pups with my bro.. and on that walk... I learned some "good" stuff but terribly disheartening for me...

Brother spoke with his client who had adopted. 

Client adopted and 3 weeks later, maternal mother took the baby back - they have 1 month to change their mind.

They tried to rationalize, but it didn't work.

They are very willing to speak with me as they find it therapeutic.

One piece of info they did share, was the home study was about 8 months long...

OooOOOoh, therein lies the rub: 8 months! ... now wait... if this is 8 months, and the next bi-annual meting is in October... thinking....thinking... 

I will NEVER pass the home study in time for October

Therefore, i will need to wait till the NEXT Bi-Annual Meeting. Sigh...

That's fine, red wine will unfortunately infiltrate my afternoon and make things a slight bit easier. 

I went to Church with D...the service was good... It was about putting expectations on ourselves that we are not able to live up to at times - not only because of inabilities, but also because of circumstance. Sounded pretty good eh? Yeah, I couldn't concentrate so I didn't get much more outta that. I did however, learn that the conclusion was: these expectations were never from God, so feeling like you let Him down is ridiculous considering He never placed this burden on you to begin with.

When they started talking about communion, I bounced outta there as it was not something I was in the frame of mind to partake in. I chilled outside and waited for D to finish up.

We basically went home, I drowned things a touch with some Red poison, and while we chilled, D shared some wisdom that I found quite poignant.

She told me that I was assuming God has said "no" to children everrr, but... God never said that. He may  have been letting things "not happen", but he never said "ever". - Hmmm, good point. This was raised when I spoke about not giving this up to Him because it's closing a door I'd much rather keep open. Regardless, her point was well received. God never said no, you just assumed He had.

She also listened as I spoke about the adoption thing... and reminded me that God was also in control of this, and in His time, everything will fall into place the way He would want it to be.

SIGH!

On another note. While at our friends' this evening, I played with their wonderful boy that was just an awesome and quasi clingy boy today. It was great! and later this evening, I was told today that I was going to be a Ninang - filipino for God Mother. That warmed my heart... and made me feel very honoured...and it too was bittersweet. Why... I don't know. I guess I'm just being a loser... Hmm... who knows.

So... here I am... awake... without my normal late night confidant, and feeling really really dumb for allowing myself to get too dependent on someone.

Altogether... not a fantastic Easter Weekend ...

It is my hope that this week becomes great.

It is my hope that I get stronger - back to my old independent "i can do this myself" self.

It is my hope that the adoption people call me back and tell me something good. 

It is my hope that I am able to carry some kid some how, some way...that is mine.

Meh... this looks like it's gonna be a long week....

Having a Hard Time Letting Myself Feel...

My bestests have been lovingly "ragging" on me about "feelings".

Wondering:

why am I having a hard time letting myself feel

why won't I allow myself to cry this out

why can't I embrace the sadness

why aren't you sleeping

why aren't you eating

blah blah blah 

A bunch of hippie talk, you know? (I'm kidding!) Their questioning, only comes from the part of your heart that truly cries and aches when their loved ones hurt... and... 

I think they are not understanding why, their heart is breaking... and I'm putting up such a stone cold (not exactly) exterior.

This post will have no finish, no resolve... because, in order to finish... I think I would need to purge. That's not going to happen. And in order to finish, I must first know the answer. That too, is not happening tonight - and by tonight, it's past 330am EST.

*pro·logue*

Noun:

1. a separate introductory section of a literary work or musical work;

2. an event or action that leads to another event or situation

God, is my Leader, My GUIDE, My refuge... forever and always.

I believe He is the only "WAY" in this world, and it is my purpose and desire to serve only Him 

(I'm going somewhere with this, just keep up!).

To know God, is to know first and foremost, that He loved us SO MUCH that he Gave up His son FOR US! - He DIED the most TERRIBLE and SHAMEFUL death, 

on the Cross... Who does that?!?! 

(How appropriate and COMPLETELY unplanned that today is NOW Good Friday!)

That... is BIG STUFF - more so than what I'm going through today.

*real time*

To say I follow Him... implies that I also TRUST Him... with my ALL(everything)...

To say that I trust Him... means that what has happened... what IS happening...

Was God ... 'Allowed' (don't put too much thought into my choice of words).

In my mind... since this is true... I shouldn't be "sad".

I shouldn't be "hurt"

In my mind, I should be at peace... 

I should be still in the knowledge that 

HE HAS EVERYTHING PLANNED PERFECTLY 

Just for Me!

So... 

Why purge?

Why talk?

Why cry?

I know there are answers to certainly refute my logic... I know this. 

But... this is my... "test" ... and I am "on stage" 

(again... not too much thought into my words please). 

I have many friends and family whom I want to know Jesus, whom I want to understand 

HIS 

*UNCONDITIONAL*

UNWAVERING, 

GENUINE, 

PURE...

LOVE. 

And I need to show this world that no matter how ridiculously DUMB... 

How absolutely PAINFUL these things are... 

It's no match for the One that can Move Mountains,

that can heal the broken hearted,

that has raised the dead,

and given Hope to the hopeless.

I need to stay STRONG

Problem Is...

I'm not okay

Who Needs to Purge...Let's Shop!

Today I stayed home from work. I called my manager, told him I wasn't in the right head space, and said I need a day...

Today...I didn't really speak with God.
I started by receiving flowers from my husband, whom I'm sure is worried significantly about his "unstable" wife.

Ignore the quality, it's a cloudy BlackBerry Lens.

After we walked the pups, he went on his way and I sat in front of my comp and thought... 'what to do?'.

How do I feel? am I okay? - It was as though I was checking my "emotional" pulse to see if today was a 

"stable" day. 

My "plan" was to reflect, accept and purge... whichever way.. and to "let it all out" ... That was the "plan".

Instead, I started by busying myself. I called the adoption number listed in my previous post... guess what? WRONG NUMBER!!! Was this a "sign"? totally interpreted it to be. And by such a "small" thing, my mood was altered.

AWESOME

So... I tried to shake it off. I reminded myself that this process is SUPPOSED to be an "ordeal" because it's gotta weed out the weak. It's supposed to be rough so we prove to ourselves whether we really want this!

I got on the internet, searched again... found a 1-800 number to teh Peel Children's Aid society and called. I got a girl who transferred me to another line. There I received Suzanne' voice mail... indicating she was out of the office and not returning till Tuesday...

MORE AWESOMENESS

Okay! Keep swimming Chrissy!!! So I emailed my rep that gave me the wrong number, and nicely informed her the number was out of service and asked whether she had anymore avenues. While I waited and hoped for an email, i decided to email peel CAS again - exactly one week after my FIRST unanswered email. Surprisingly... no reply to this one either.

Meanwhile, MYCS got back to me, apologized and gave me the correct number. Which I proceeded to dial, chose a name, and left another voice message. I guess... and pray... Tuesday I will get at least a couple calls back... right? ... RIGHT? Oh Man! This wait... does NOTTTT get any easier.. and this is just for a return phone call!!!

THIS CONCLUDES MY ADOPTION EFFORTS FOR THE DAY

I also knew, I had a birthday to go to for my second family, the Patel's, whom I love with an ache very close to my own. My bestfriend's (Hita's) little cousin (whom I've adopted as a little niece really) was celebrating her 19th birthday. And her father was sorta quasi celebrating a belated birthday from last week. I hadn't seen them for some time because while I was "waiting to miscarry" *sigh*, Rita (sister) was giving birth to her first Baby, and her dad was having minor surgery and I... was... useless. 

I wanted to get Priya (niece) something...but I wanted it to be good! It's her first year in university, and I'm super proud of all she's accomplished. And SUPER guilty for the lack of time I spend with the whole family! So I decided I wanted to get her a University Sweat Shirt! Though, sometimes, people don't like big things plastered on their Chest. So I went to Hita. Turns out, she really wanted one but as a starving student, just couldn't piece the budget together for a $70.00 sweater! No kidding, eh? 

Therein lay my day's mission!  

The purging would have to wait! It wasn't going anywhere anyway! I called Anne, and asked her to join me for an adventure, and off we went! This will have been my first visit to Guelph! And the closer I got to the Uni, the more proud I was of this little one! My heart had this lump... of good tears welling within it! Join me and our journey today!

we are arriving and the campus is HUGE!! I'm so lost it's hilarious!

after 3 children/students, and 2 parking attendants, we arrive at P31,
park at the metre and enter into the campus!
EXCITING - see our big smiles!

still walking through the area to get to the Book Store.
I know our Priya would NEVER go to a place like this!!
NEVERRR!

And then we finally Arrive!
Woot WOOT!

While inside, I am like a kid in a Candy store... touching everything, trying to figure the best stuff for Priya... I spoke to 2 sets of girls; both asking which is the coolest (yes, I dated myself!)

But they were so helpful! They told me the colours, and what they would wear...etc. At the end, We came out with not only the Hoodie - the typical, tradition UoG Hoodie, but also a pair of awesome jogging pants that I was hoping wouldn't fit her so I could take it off her hands :-)

i tried them against me just to make sure they looked a'ight! lol!

And here's the BIRTHDAY GIRL!
1- Isn't she BEAUTIFUL
2-Doesn't the UoG sweatere look AWESOME?!

and here she is with her "nephews" children of Hita and Anita <3

One Day... God Willing.. I will have a little one that can jump in there too...
GOD WILLING is the key...
*SIGH*