Phone Calls That Change Everything

So... on Dec 7th, MarcAnto and I got a strange call from our Practitioner.

She'd called to speak to us about a sibling group of two that we were not being considered for through CAS... huh? Yup. That was the call. We weren't being considered for a couple reasons - one, our HomeStudy wasn't completed, and two, we weren't a match ethnically for the kids. In any event, she went over the kids' history with me, asked quite a few questions, including would you and Marc be willing to accept children of a different race, and then concluded by asking me to talk things over with Marc and get back to her - on the children we weren't being considered for. Don't worry, I was just as confused.

There wasn't a whole lot of talking I needed to do with Anto, because we knew what we were willing and not willing to accept. By now... YOU BETTER KNOW!! I emailed my practitioner that evening, gave her a thought-filled run down of how we felt and why, and she had replied and said she'd be in touch.

On Monday, I received a phone call from Children's Aid. They indicated they'd spoken to my practitioner and asked if it were okay to contact me directly. She went in to further detail about the sibling group, and asked if we could all meet to discuss them in length - if we believed this was something we were willing to consider. *Blink Blink* ...

Is this really happening. Are we really going to sit down with CAS and chat about "real" children?! with Names and All?!?! Lol!

This was serious! like FOR REAL!

Okay... so once I composed myself... I spoke to Marc, and confirmed a date and time with CAS.

Wednesday, December 12!

This is now the part where I start to panic, freak out, run in imaginary circles (in my mind)... and rush to get the house composed for the visit in TWO DAYS! LOL!

Congratulations! You are Now Pregnant Through Adoption

Today, we COMPLETED our PRIDE TRAINING! Woot Woot!!! What a BIG DEAL  this is!! Marc and I are ecstatic with the feeling and sense of accomplishment. Sofie concluded our class by saying "Congratulations! You are now Pregnant Through Adoption!" LOL! Funny lady!

Us with Our Certificate

Considering the past 2 months leading up to this, I was (and still can be) a basket case, we have certainly come a long way! These last two days of Pride were again, overwhelming (not as much as the first two days but...) and reassuring in that what we are doing is what we are destined to be doing.

Yesterday, we learned further about attachment, transition issues our child will experience and "alphabet soup" - also know as the "Scare you to death list of Syndromes/Diseases/Ailments" your child could have.

In discussing the "transition issues" we discussed what challenges we could expect them to experience:

• cultural transition if they are coming to us internationally
• change of food (again if they are international)
• language
• religion
• tradition/customs/holidays
• name change (identity transition)
• multi sibling units to single family dwelling
• change of environment/climate etc

We also discussed ways to address these concerns:

• learn their culture and do not discourage their learning of their heritage
• take part in cooking classes (for that culture) and have the child take part with you - or prepare a meal together at home
• go to restaurants of their ethnicity
• Perhaps celebrate their "gotcha day"(the day the adoption was finalized) at a restaurant of their ethnicity
• learn some words of their background
• learn the history of their country - heroes, legends etc
• understand national holidays of their country and celebrate it - ie Chinese New Year
• if our child were to already have a name, KEEP the name even as a middle or 3rd name, but do not entirely take it away...children attach to their name even if you do not think so...
• submerge them with other children of hopefully like nationalty and if they are also adopted...BONUS!
• create and maintain a LIFE BOOK (BIG ONE!!) - a blog post all in itself!

We learned how to answer the difficult questions children WOULD Have...

• why was I abandoned?
• how much did I cost?
• If my birth parents didn't have money, why didn't you just give them the money?
• there was more but...

How to answer... wow... just message me if you really want to know!

The long and short answer for almost any difficult question: reassure...reassure...reassure. YOU are their real Mommy and Daddy, YOU are and always will be their forever family, he/she will never be bought or sold because that is not what adoption is. We made a plan, we chose them. 

We finished by talking about alphabet soup:

• HIV
• ADHD
• FAS
• FAE
• SSD
• and again...I am sure there are more...

The bottom line is, know what you can accept-by way of challenges you are willing to adapt to... be true with yourself. And also... do not always go by the "label" because... children can excel far beyond said "labels". An awesome link Sofie shared is below:

Labelling Kids with Bogus Mental Disorders

Additionally - and lastly for Saturday, we discussed the importance of creating our profile (for candidacy), the importance of a LIFE BOOK and addressing the questions our children might face at school. As much as we want to protect our children, there will be the insensitive questions from their peers. Prepare your children ahead of time, ensure that from the beginning, your child is aware of the positive adoption language (referenced in my previous post: no clever title just what i learned ) ensure you have open communication and welcome questions, and if we feel so inclined, we could go in to their classrooms and educate the children on what adoption means and is... Sofie wrote a beautifully articulated book: What is adoption.

can be purchased via amazon: What Is Adoption?

By the time we left on Saturday, we were pretty on par with where our head was at...We also were excited to start our LIFE book for our little one and lastly, we started thinking about how and what we wanted our life book to look like.

All in All... it was a super tiring and productive Saturday Session... 

Today... 

Well today was an amazing day... 

We went through questions that uneducated/insensitive friends and family might ask and how we might combat said stupidity - ooops, that wasn't my inside voice eh?

some of the questions were as such (take this as a hint never to ask these questions):

• It's so great you "rescued" this child, what would they have ever done if you didn't "rescue "them?
• What do you know about their real mom?
• how much did he cost?
• I hear their real mom is in their life, you know they'll never love you the same way, right?
• you could never love this child as intensely as your real child, it's just not the same

In addition to learning to combat these questions, we also heard from so many guest speakers:

• past adoptees - with good and bad stories
• past adoptees who went on to adopt themselves
• past adoptees who created an adoption plan for their own child and now live in an open adoption with their birth child's parents
• and lastly, a couple who suffered through infertility and went on to adopt two wonderful children - one with ZERO complications - a clean bill of health at birth and clean history from Mother and Father, whom has now presented with a learning disability and a second child who came with traces of cocaine and two other drugs in their bloodstream, whose mother didn't know she was pregnant till two weeks before delivering and during that time, consumed unknown amounts of alcohol...who now, has developed exceptionally well at the age of 6 and presents ZERO signs of disabilities or learning challenges. - The point being, you will never know! It is in God's hands... and He will always know what you and your spouse can handle - even if you don't believe it or know it yet!

In all of their stories, the resonating point was such: OPEN ADOPTION IS AN INTEGRAL PART OF THIS PROCESS!!! And if you're not on board, you need to get over your own insecurities and GET ON BOARD for the benefit of your child! 

Marc and I were certainly in the CLOSED ADOPTION camp. We thought we could not manage with "sharing" this child with their birth mother/father... Sofie helped us see... this is not about us... and knowing their birth mother does not mean they will love us less, and it does not mean she can take them back. These children will be OUR forever family... that being said... this child of your does not have all of their pieces to their puzzle. Whereas in most birth families, we will know where we got our eyes from, our smile, our hair colour, smarts, artistic side etc... these little ones will have question marks that we will never be able to satisfy. IF their birth mother is willing to be part of their story, and complete parts of their puzzle, why wouldn't we want to help our child transition more smoothly? Why wouldn't we want to mitigate their pain - in ways that are within our powers?

We are now very much on board with helping our child complete their puzzles.

To hear these adoptees today, speak with great healing but still, a small bit of pain about not knowing; to think there is a better way of doing things versus adoption 30 years ago...to believe our children can have an even larger family and their love can expand past "us" through open adoption... makes me even more proud of this child we have yet to meet....

Through this training... our eyes have been opened to the "cons" of adoption. The non-romaticized version of adoption - and still... and even more... we WANT THIS CHILD!

Through this training... our minds have been prepared for the reality of illness, addiction, attachment issues etc ... and still... and even more... we WANT THIS CHILD!

Through this training... our hearts have been broken with the painful stories we witnessed, our hearts have hurt alongside the parents that also suffered through infertility, miscarriages, disappointments again, again and again... 

And... our hearts have grown...through this breaking and hurting...through likely millions of tears at this point.. it has grown stronger and bigger to see past ME AND YOU and to actually see the "US" God is preparing for Marc and I in a very new, very different way...

Now...  we are even more prepared... more determined... more encouraged. And we know with complete certainty...

WE WANT THIS CHILD!

God has paved this path for Marc and I, and that is... mind blowing. This is something the rightmost side of my brain could NEVER ever DREAM UP!!! And... it is AWESOME. It is ... simply ... 

AWESOME

I've got no other words for it. 

Today... as you can see... is a good day. It is a positive day... and... when (notice I say "when") I have those down days again... I will need to reminded of June 3... I will need to be reminded that God has a plan that is AWESOME, and mind blowing and unfathomable at many times...

But today... is a good day... and that, is what I am going to hold on to tonight.

Be Blessed!

Super Overwhelmed but Never More Sure...

After two days of training Marc and I are "hyper" overwhelmed, but... we've also never been more sure...

This IS for us... this IS something we are going to do...

By God's grace, direction, power and His Authority... we have arrived here... it is NOT something we've ever planned for...certainly not something I've envisioned... not a direction I thought our lives would take... but... we are here... and we are going to do this.

And as scared as we are...as terrified as I am... I am confident we have been placed here by design, with purpose. And... we will follow. We will remain faithful... and hopeful... cast those fears and insecurities upon Him... and just keep going.

No Clever Title - just What I learned during Day 1 of Pride...

This Past weekend... Marc and I embarked on our First 2 Days of our Pride Training.

Suffice it to say, it was pretty emotionally draining. We learned about the "Process" - I think I've got that DOWN to a science now. We spoke about the children that we would be adopting - including the challenges they would 1-come with and 2-potentially develop.

One the greatest most awesome things we learned was "Positive Adoption Language".

Words to avoid and words to Use instead to assist with Bonding and also assist with not making our children a victim.

• Instead of Real Mother or Father use Birth Mother or Father
• Instead off Natural Parents use Biological Parents
• Instead of My own child use My Birth Child
• Instead of My Adopted Child use My Child
• Instead ofMy Children are Adopted us We are an adoptive Family
• Instead of Foreign Adoption  use International Adoption
• Instead of Give away; put up for adoption; abandoned use Made an adoption Plan.

Not Bad eh? Have you ever used the "instead of" words? I have. 

Another awesome eureka moment was the concept that as an adopted child, they should not think/feel "I am adopted" they should feel "I was adopted". Why? Because they are not in a state of adoption. They are not perpetually to be defined by the fact that they were adopted. It was a moment in time... it's done.. and now, they are MY CHILD.... the end... nothing more. LOVE IT.

We spoke about Grief and Loss... that was hard - and relevant. Sofie assured us, that grief and loss is a part of Adoption. And said that every Adoption begins with "Loss". Loss to the child who is either losing their Birth Family or Foster Family - often times the family they've learned to love....And for "us", the adopting Parents... oftentimes, this conjures up the losses of our past- like in my case... the grief of being reminded of your own infertility, or the miscarriages of the past, your inability to carry a baby naturally... 

Wow... pretty deep stuff :-( We need to continue to remind ourselves that

Loss comes with Joy

And that sadness is something we are going to go through... it's normal; It's how we get through it that counts the most.

So what type of Emotions are these little one's going to be experiencing (to generalize):

• Lost - they don't know where they're going
• Angry - something (good or bad - it's all they've known) has been taken away from them
• Hurt - a sudden turn of events changes their whole life and they were never even asked/consulted
• Overwhelmed - feelings of an unpredictable future 

Funny thing is... I feel like I myself have experienced all the same emotions with how everything has unravelled. 

So how can we create a Successful Plan:

• keep the Child's birth name - don't go switching everything on them. 
• learn about their favourite foods - we all know the comfort one can find in their food
• keep the same school if possible
• collaborate with other vested parties - foster parents, parents if they're still allowed in the picture, social workers, aid workers etc
• learn their language - if there is a language barrier...

At the end... remember this...

Children are Ressiliant. They Can and Will Conquer this with our Love, Patience and Support... 

It is NOT impossible!

Another good thing to remember:

"All things are Difficult Before they 

Become Easy!"

"Legacy of an Adopted Child"

This is a poem I received at the CAS Peel Meeting. The Author is Unknown...

Once there were two young women who never knew each other

one you do not remember, the other you call mother.

Two different lives shaped to make you one,

One became your guiding star, the other became your sun.

THe first one gave you life, and the second taught you to live it.

One gave you nationality, the other gave you a name.

One gave you talent, the other gave you aim.

One gave you emotions, the other calmed your fears.

One saw your first sweet smile, the other dried your tears.

One sought for a home that she could not provide, 

the other prayed for a child and her hope was not denied.

And now you ask me through your tears,

The age old question, unanswered for years;

Heredity or Environment, which are you a product of?

Neither my darling,neither. Just two different kinds of love.

Better Yesterday than Today?

So... I woke up pretty alright. 7 hours of sleep, that's amazing relative to recent weeks! And... I felt ok.

Walked the pups with my brother... and then, went to meet my girlfriends for coffee before work. My friends Anne and D are a lot of my strength. They've been a great deal of Spiritual Support; Encouragement; they've been a physical presence when I just needed to not be alone... and I'm very blessed to have them with me (us) and on this journey with me (us).

Problem is... sometimes, they ask the hard questions. - Or not "hard" per se, but, the questions I don't want to address. The questions I didn't want to answer now...

Why not? Because then, they're out there in the universe, right? And this coffee date, was no exception to those questions. The hard questions: where are you at with foster to adopt...how do you feel, what are you thinking, what's holding you back, what are you fearful of... lots of solid questions... and most especially, questions I did not want to address. 

I went from waking up good, to now tearing up every two minutes and being sad about things that I had no control over and thus... not so much control over making myself feel better... (not the right attitude but the real attitude of how I was feeling) 

SIDENOTE: I learned that this post was never published, and thus, this is now like a week later... 

onwards then...

(the good thing is, I'm in a better place today than I was when I started this post LOL)

"Better" is a relative term. "Better" means not necessarily good, but it means an improvement from where I was. And that... is very awesome - especially if you knew where my head-space has been - often times three steps away from the ledge is what it seemed like.

This has likely been the most challenging year I've experienced.. either that, or, time heals the wounds of the past...or dulls the memory... either of which is likely the more viable answer. In any event... IVF since 2010 till now, adoption, reality etc... has made this year very real, very numbing and extremely heart breaking.

By the grace of God... we are still here, and stronger than perhaps we thought we could ever be.. By the grace of God, there are options  that neither Marc or I ever thought of - or... never thought we would ever consider... Adoption? Ehhh...maybe... Fostering?!?! Definitely wasn't on our radar...

That is a blessing I think. I think it's a blessing that through this process... through the failed natural attempts and failed "assisted" attempts... a family that would've NEVER given thought to adoption and fostering are now sitting here thinking.. hmm...it doesn't seem so bad....and not solely because it gives us a chance to be a family... but because we give a child a chance to be a part of a family...the opportunity they otherwise... may not have been privy to.

So.. to this day... May 24th... I cry for sometimes no reason.. and I "pain" for no reason... I get sad at other people's baby joys *forgive me... but I am genuinely and simultaneously happy for them - I promise! My heart drops at thoughts that should normally make my heart skip a beat... Memories are often my enemy... and the future is rather... duller than it use to be... but... in between this dark phase of my life... I have moments of joy and of clarity. Reminders that God is great... and that I shouldn't feel such sadness... and most importantly though... at this stage... I am reminded that I am still "ok" ... and all of the emotions that I am experiencing, are quasi normal. God will meet me where I am. And when I have a great day, followed by a terrible day... He will be there. He will be patient... hold me once again... embrace me yet another night... and reassure me alllll over again, that everything will be fine....

If there is one thing I can say to anyone reading this...friend, family, stranger soon to be friend...whatever the case may be... the up's and down's are normal - though I personally know...it does NOT seem that way. We are human. We are emotional. We are passionate. And we want what we want when we want it, right? As God following, and as faithful as we are... we have also have desires that burn in our hearts...God gets that... and the up's and downs, are simply an outward sign of 10% of the crazy that's going on inside us. (I've reflected on icebergs this week and figured this could be a good and true analogy!). One thing though... in all that we do, and in all that we feel... I... we... need to bring it and give it to God. There is no other way out of this crazy. And there is nothing more I can do than that which I am already doing... the rest...is in God's hands and we need to keep going back to Him... crying to the wind will doing nothing for us, and it will not better our situation in any way... crying to our friends and family is certainly support... a support God outwardly blesses us with... but the base, the foundation, is Him... and without Him... the structure falls apart, right?

One day Lord... I will feel and be "normal" again. I will be better at making you happy, and proud ... and you will be pleased... I promise... 

For now, please be patient with me... for now... please deal with my (not belittling this) bipolar-isms... 

God thank you for who you are in my life. Thank you for being the most patient. The most understanding. Thank you for a Spirit that can intercede when the words just do not come out. Thank you for understanding me through nothing more than my tears and sobs and simple cries of your name... Thank you for never giving up, and thank you for making me better than I was..

fostering = heart condition?

So... blogging has been my outlet for all things painful. I'm hoping that changes to all things hopeful, positive and uplifting, but lately... I'm playing the role of eeyore - or so it seems in my head anyway.

As mentioned earlier, Today was THE day. The CAS meeting. It was good, and a touch overwhelming. Four pages of notes later (I printed big and indented a lot) and I'm sitting here with a whirlwind of feelings that are just not ready to be placed on "paper" at this point.

The long and short however is this: I am not discouraged - we are not discouraged, Marc and I are prepared and willing to go full steam ahead. That's good, yeah?

The jist of today (or the only thing I heard rather) was that for the fiscal year ending 2011, a total of 39 children in Peel - Mississauga, Brampton, Caledon and Malton, were adopted... 17 in peel, 17 from outside of Peel - typically CAS Toronto and Catholic CAS Toronto and 5 were adopted out to non peel families. *Blink Blink* really... a whole 39?

	Population
Peel	1,159,405
Mississauga	668,549
Brampton	433,806
Caledon	57,050

that works out to be...0.00336% ... wow...how many parents are ready and waiting as we speak: 44. How many are in training 17. How many are waiting for training... I cant remember... I'll give the true stats when I wrap my head around everything.

So if this was you, would be be dejected?

Weird thing is... I wasn't. I don't believe Marc was either but, I failed to ask. I'm tired, don't judge me!

Towards the end of the agenda, Suzanne had already prepositioned that "someone" would be in to discuss fostering because CAS has now combined the Foster and Adoption departments. 

the lady that came  in, did not discuss "pure" fostering. She discussed "fostering with intent" meaning...intention/direction to adopt. The "world" finds that moving children is not a good thing. And fostering is supposed to be temporary. But the problem is, fostering is seldom temporary, and in the meantime, these children get moved A LOT!!! So... fostering with intent would be a long term foster care program. Not 6 children at a time, but 1 - maybe siblings, whatever. And the idea is this... they have not been judged "Crown Wards" = property of the state as yet... parents still have the ability to improve etc, and in the meantime, CAS is petitioning the courts to remove all parental rights.

The need/priority with the fostering with intent is this: infants (words Marc and I never thought we'd here), toddlers - interesting and teenage children... wellllll.... 

the "rub" ... THEY ARE NOT OURS!!! and COULD BE TAKEN AWAY ANYTIME THE JUDGE DOES NOT APPROVE THE PETITION!!!! that is a LOT of heartache!!!!

I fostered a beautifully broken english bulldog (abused beyond what any being should be) for two weeks. It was the most terrible-ist thing to give her up... and I knew the adoptees... but really... I just had such a hard time - I cried, prayed, worried about the consequences of my choices...sigh.... Thus, i'm okay with all the interviews, process etc with this child...I get it.

Lily is great, at weight, and adapting super well after 2 years with my friends Michelle and Kevin <3

In the meantime...

After the meeting concluded, we were going to hand over our "orange" registration form, in exchange for which, we would received our "package". You know, the package, that begins all this... 

And while we filled out the orange sheet, Marc asks... "you chose NO for fostering?". I'm like... yeah... we talked about this. He replied that this was the case before we knew about the shorter time period, the possibility of an infant... etc... *insert rolling eyes here as my life quickly becomes more complicated*.  I carried on to explain to the boy that these children quite likely, will be taken away from us, and delivered back to their (useless - I'm sorry) families... His long and short was, okay, let's just not close the door, and it doesn't hurt to take the info package home, right? ... 

Rrrrright...

So... we've now entered the realm of...adoption, IVF, and fostering with intent... interesting...

Don't get me wrong. I think we would be great at it, but, as I've been resoundingly told... we have bleeding hearts... which is not in the ingredients list of the FOSTER Parents. 

So... 

the pros - as of like 4hrs post meeting... 

if the child goes back..even for a brief time, they were given a great life with us (thanks brother for this one (Anto's perspective - which I love)

ummm... that's all! LOL!

the cons...

heartbreak

loneliness

emptiness

fear/worry/anxiety

 AWESOME!

 So... prayer to the rescue. We do not need to make a decision tonight. And.. the process (homestudy and pride) are all required so... we've got time to pray, meditate and conclude. We'll be fine. It'll work itself out...

May 16th...

Today’s the day Marc and I go to our first introductory Meeting with Children’s Aid Society Peel. We’re excited, hopeful, nervous, anxious… a whole lot of emotions. At the end of the day, I know it’s just a 1.5 hour info gathering session – most of which, by this time, I think we already know. But this is the “door”. The Gateway to something pretty cool unfolding. That’s pretty exciting!


I went to my first discipleship meeting with my friend Thea yesterday. We spoke of the process, and the meeting today. She spoke of how I and Marc were doing something  really amazing here (I still do not see it that way but...), and we spoke about family and friends and whether they have been supportive etc. I told her, all in all, everyone’s been pretty good! Some would “prefer” international adoption a touch more than CAS, and I understand where they’re coming from.They’re concerned about pre existing “issues” … FAS, drug abuse, autism, DS etc… but God has a plan for Marc and I… and truthfully… I don’t know the “end” of that plan per se. What I do know, is the peace I’m feeling regarding CAS, is good. It’s likely the closest thing to “good” I’ve been feeling the last couple of months. And although I am not ruling International out, I’m also not actively pursuing it… and we’re okay with that. And although we haven’t “closed” the door on IVF – with the new “procedure” they’re recommending, we’re also not actively pursuing/talking about that.

What we do speak of, is CAS… is this process… is the home we want to make, what we want to “fill” in that home, the siblings we would be willing to take, what we would like to do when we finally find our baby… the trips we’d like to have our child encounter…how we’d encourage bonding in the early stages… these are the things we’ve spoken about.

And I feel good. Really… at peace.

So… we know the process is going to be lengthy, and scary… and as best as we can anticipate, we also know there will be pain – especially with this short listing stuff.

But we know there is something at work here. And we know God is with us. And we know… at the end, we will be providing this little one – or ones, with a life they would not have otherwise had, and in “exchange” this little one will be fulfilling our deepest desires of having someone to love, and care for, and call our own…

Looking forward to this journey

A lump in my heart…

My Definition: A feeling of constriction in the heart caused by emotion

You know how people talk about lumps in their throats, that feeling of wanting to cry but holding it back, or having ALL THIS EMOTION with nowhere to go with it…

I've had this lump in my heart, and my stomach for the last week and a bit now. And I am thinking, it's overstayed its welcome.

First off, let me start by saying…I think I'm crazy. I think I'm crazy for having up's and downs, for being good for a day or two, and then, falling apart at the site of a happy family, or a precious moments figurine (that was Saturday's adventures!). It's not because I hate them and their happiness - that'd be kinda mean, it's that I hate that I can't be equally happy - or rather, fulfilled in the same way. I think I'm crazy. Though…many friends say it's normal, and I'm sure I would advise the same to my other friends, but… the same grace, I do not give myself - at least I can admit this, right?

Last week, was a blur for all but Friday. Friday, I met with our IVF doctor - a meeting I was dreading because he would really not have anything good to say. Either, he'd say "I don't know what the problem is" - sucky, or, he'd say "I think the problem is this," thereby getting our hopes up again that we can fix the proverbial "this" and "encouraging" us to go through this process yet another time.

The meeting proved to be the latter situation. The one where, let's not focus on you Chrissy, but let's guestimate that it's gotta be the sperm because everything else was fine. So, in addition to me feeling as 'strong' as I was, my poor husband is now battling his worse fears coming to reality in that he'd always thought he was the problem. DISCLAIMER! He is NOT the problem and there's not ONE DAY of my life where'd I ever believe such a thing. But try telling a wounded husband that it's not him and tell me how it goes. Everyone has their "cross to bear" and their paths to walk, you know? And as such, I will continue to encourage, reassure and pray…but that's all I can do.

The doctors have suggested we try a procedure whereby, they do a small incision directly into his testicles and take the sperm right from the source. The argument: it's fresh and has the highest probability of sustaining itself. They indicated they werent sure why we were able to successfully achieve the chemical pregnancy, but not a "live" pregnancy… but they are hopeful this will work. (I'm glad they are). They sent us home to research on our own, "TESTICULAR SPERM" and said we would regroup the following week to discuss and determine next steps.

Husband wants to try. He feels, this is the "least" he could do with all the stuff I've gone through (his opinion, not mine!). He feels this is perhaps our last chance to have our "own" baby - I get that… NOT because there's anything wrong with adopting, and that bus is still moving, but, of course it's different when this little one is genetically, part of you and him, right?

Good Segway to the Adoption Bus…

We have our first info session scheduled for April 30th for Public Adoption…good!

And the PRIDE co-ordinator of adoptioneducation.ca got back to me to indicate the july session had been cancelled and thus, we would be given a seating in the May session. Seems good. Problem: as of this morning, I'm having a hard time getting the days off of work. The whole TWO days i'd requested...because I am that integral to the overall operations.... Really?!?! At some point in time… many points lately... I feel like yelling

THROW ME A BONE!!!!

You know what I mean? I'm just tired. "Tired" is the word of this year (so far)…
I was thinking… it's APRIL! Month 4 of 12!!! It's been a LONG 2012 already!

Chrissy is TIRED.

I need a break! Problem is…I don't have time to have a break (whaaaaat??).
Ironic that a break needs to be scheduled in eh? But it's true... and that's life. I have no time! I have all these vacation days that are promised to other things - such as yet another ivf cycle - that's 7 days... and then 2 days at least for the P.R.I.D.E. training... a wedding... a vacation in November... so I am spent... and can likely get some relief in November. Question is, what do I do to sustain myself, sustain my sanity, my focus, my peace, my MIND!!! from Month 4 all the way to Month 11????? Ideas would be super helpful though I fault you not for having no answers.

The right/correct answer is to "pray". The answer is to seek that peace which only God can provide ... that is the "answer"....

Adoption Option

So Today…

Has to have been without a doubt, the BEST day I've had in aWHILE! 

SO last time I wrote, I had spoken with a Home Study individual by the name of Liz (referred by my SIL).  I also mentioned that same day, that enough was ENOUGH! No more sadness, no more zombie-ness… it was time to move on.

And "move," was clearly God's plan for me too!

Today… I received information overload from all sources I'd reached out to! … ALL SOURCES 

Last night, Anne referred me to a blog of a Christian family who went through a similar experience as me and Marc (http://thewilliamsfamilyblog.wordpress.com/ontario-adoption-process/). On that blog, there was a link to http://adoptioneducation.ca/ - a link to assist you with your PRIDE training. So I emailed Sofie for further information.

Also, last night, I got back on the horse, and emailed THREE different International Adoption Agencies specializing in adoption from the Philippines. And lastly, I emailed CAS again.

Today, I got an email from one of the adoption agencies, outlining process fees etc and inviting us to come and speak with them - good!

At lunch time, I got a phone call from Suzanne with CAS!!! *I could literally hear angels sings LOL.* We spoke briefly about process, next steps, why I'm interested… a good, solid conversation, we finished off with her indicating she will be mailing me my invitation to attend the (first step) info session on May 14th I believe.

As I completed the rest of my afternoon, I missed a call from a blocked line, and when I retrieved my messages, I learned it to be Noelle from Adoption Ontario, calling me back from my message (like CAS) left Apr 5th. I'm sitting here and my head is whirling from ALL of the feedback. And ALL right NOW!

I called her back during my last work break; we spoke again, about the steps I'd already taken, the goals that we have and then she invited me to another info session. So, I should have an info session with Adoption ONTARIO on April 30. While on the call with Noelle, I received an email from Sofie with Adoption Education, indicating the below:

Hi Crystal,

What a great blog. It’s great that it was helpful for you.It is exciting that you are looking at adoption to complete your family. I truly believe that things are meant to be, and as an adoptive parent myself, I know that there was a plan that I could not have a child by birth (as I absolutely adore my son who joined our family throughadoption).In terms of the July PRIDE training, I am now in the process of determining if I will be offering that particular session. I will know in two weeks. I have one couple spot left for the May session which I could offer you, otherwise, I will get back to you over the next couple of weeks about July. I will send you the registration information at that time.At some point you will also need to start a homestudy. I would be happy to provide you names of practitioners if you required this.Hopefully we will have a chance to meet Crystal.All the best,

Sofie, was by far, the most meaningful correspondence I'd received. Why? She was excited! She was excited FOR ME!!! You could hear her excitement, and her passion, and her wanting the best for me! Possibly, I'm reading too much into this however, with most of my day (job) focusing around being "in the moment" with our clients… this was "well played". She said "exciting" and "truly believe" "hopefully we will have a chance to meet" - all positive, enforcing words. So… I was encouraged.

PHEW! 

What a day eh?

In reflecting on my day, as the calls and the emails came in, I thought…Man… it's like God was JUST WAITING for me to give it up to Him. And the MOMENT I did…it's like the floodgate was released and

SWOOSH!

Tonnes and tonnes of positive reinforcement indicating that perhaps, Marc and I are on the right track…PERHAPS.

At the end of all of this, I must admit… I've been broken. 

So, I'm cautious, and still, a little anxious.

But Marc and I spoke, shared some of our insecurities and… most importantly, we prayed together. 

I'm confident, God will lead us on the path to happiness - in whatever shape or form that takes. One day at a time, right?