It's been awhile...

It's been a long time since i've written.... and a lot has changed and at the same time... I feel like nothing has moved at all...

What's been going on..

• We Finished PRIDE - assessment and all.
• We interviewed/spoke to over 6 adoption practitioners - all of which I found "something" wrong with... 
• July (8th) we chose a pratitioner, Terri Sikora - over 20 yrs of experience both privately and via CAS. She sent us questionnaires (overwhelming) and Marc and I started/tried to make a dent...
• Meanwhile, we still had the questionnaires from CAS to fill out - more tedious simply because they were hard copies and typing was not an option (shake my head). 
• August long weekend, I put my head down and went full steam ahead to complete MY questionnaires - then I could focus on getting the husband to complete his... One thing I'll say... the paper work, the length of time... EVERYTHING about this process (administratively) I really feel is just a way to weed out the "fad-ers" from the "for-real-ers" - if that makes any sense...
• After I completed my portion, Marc was right around the bend... and our first of four meetings with Terri was Aug 15.
• The first meeting was almost 3 hours long, not hard, but exhaustive - I probably did that to myself simply b/c I was so focused on making a good impression - and also worried that my pups would eat her which surely wouldn't help in convincing her that we were a safe environment LOL!
• the next interview - one week later was one on one with Marc, and the third was her and me. 
• With all of the messed up drama in my life (as of late)... I really was not keen on meeting with her. Again, I thought she would find me unfit, unable to deal with conflict appropriately (my mother issues), i don't know.... a whole lot of fears haunted me. I mainly did NOT want to shed a tear, and at the time (early sept), hearing my name said in the wrong (unintentional) tone would make those tears flow.
• By God's grace... that meeting went superb. No tears. Strength. Focus. Precise answers. Honest. Genuine. And towards the end, Terri stared at me and said Crystal, I want you to know, this is not you. The conflict you are facing with your mother, is now in her court and there is nothing more you can do. These words, have been said to me by some of my dearest, most loving friends NOT TO MENTION my spouse... but they needed to be heard from her... this time. And this weight... was lifted.
• At this stage... we have now completed 3 of 4 home studies. We have completed our Criminal/RCMP checks and are simply waiting for them in the mail. MAJORITY with the exception of two references have come back... and Terri says we just wait...
• Regarding that CAS package that I said was overwhelming in hard copy... we FINALLY dropped it off on Tuesday (this past tuesday). Yes.. it has been awhile but... there were some hard questions (mainly the child checklist) that I was wanting to avoid.

The checklist was basically asking us, "Marc and C, what child are you going to say "no" to" ... or at least that was my guilty interpretation. So the questions looked like: Would you take a child with Diabetes? Yes? No? Possibly? How about missing limbs? Asthma? Epilepsy? Drug exposure? Alcohol exposure? how bout just a little bit of alcohol? HIV? AIDs? Schizophrenia?

And everytime I said no... for the times I said no... I pictured myself, staring a child in the face and damning them to a life without a family...Self Inflicted guilt much? So, the checklist was a challenge, and as such, I avoided... nonetheless.. we completed everything and finally delivered it.

Today, I received an email from Suzanne Gri (lovely lady) confirming she received my (expansive package) and was holding on to it until everything else arrived...

• Adoption Homestudy
• Medical Report (for each applicant)
• Medical Specialist Letters if you have seen a specialist/therapist in the last five years
• Financial Statement
• Local Police Clearances (for each applicant)
• Foreign Police Clearances if you lived for any time as an adult (18+) in a foreign jurisdiction
• References (5)
• Child Welfare Agency Record Checks – A foreign child welfare record check is also required if you lived for any time as an adult (18+) in a foreign jurisdiction (this may be difficult in some cases, please indicate this early in the process so the issue can be resolved).
• Home Safety Checklist
• Questionnaires #1 & #2
• PRIDE Homework and Trainers Notes

Yup... so I sit there and wonder... have I really accomplished ANYTHING?!?!?!?!

Am I Crazy?

In discussing everything throughout my PRIDE training - missing puzzle pieces, attachment, identity etc... it hit "areas" that I never really thought would bother me... And i'm starting to think I'm crazy...
Long and short, my father was very physically abusive - more to my mother and brother than to me (though I wasn't completely spared). As a result... my mother took us and left when I was around... 5-6 I think. And I was relieved. It was hard for her, but it was the best thing for everyone involved. The "trauma" caused some emotional wounds, but also physical ailments as well. NOTHING unfixable, and soon after we left... things sort of got better - minus the small hiccups that we dealt with.


As a result, I was very, ummm, nervous - watching over my shoulder OFTEN (as my father would show up on school property when he was already ordered not to and do other... dumb things); I was very protective of my Mama (that's kind of normal though)... and as I learned in training, I was "hyper sensitive" with emotions/expressions - having a 'heightened' awareness of the emotions of others...or gathering the cues quite quickly that people would give off if they were sad, mad, angry etc... the "bad" in that... I let other's emotions affect me.. and I would take personal blame often times for that... the good... I was sensitive and considerate with the cues, and made efforts to diffuse situations before things (hopefully) got bad. 


When I was 13ish (could've been 14 or 15 I'm kind of learning), we (my mother by way of her sister) were advised of his death through heart attack and I, my mom and aunt went to the viewing (chose not to go to the funeral). The viewing was made difficult by his family who spoke of how much he loved me and how much he missed me and how many pictures he had of me in his home. The problem = they had no clue of went on behind our closed doors, and never will they be told as that's my business, and not for the purposes of defaming his name (note: we don't keep in touch, they won't read this blog EVERRR).


As a result of the guilt I felt, I chose not to go to the funeral. I did not mourn. It was a very matter of fact thing. My father passed. And since I hadn't seen him for at least 6-7 years now, it really had minimal affect on me.


Fast forward now to maybe 20 years later... when I am in PRIDE training, praying to be blessed with a child and learning about "missing pieces" and the "benefits of open adoption" and I'm starting to learn that I will be trying to fill in the missing puzzle pieces for this child when I have... quite a few missing pieces myself... 


The more we spoke of "missing puzzle pieces" the more I started to evaluate these missing parts of me - which never caused me discomfort before. Mama was great... and my life was good... now, I find myself wanting to learn where his final resting place is and trying to remember things about him, wherein... I really can't... I can't really remember much of anything...why?? How?? Why? I realize I said that already...


It started to bother me in session 3...when there was a "pride connection" (exercise to be completed) on GENOGRAMs (date of births/deaths of siblings, parents and grandparents) ...and I didn't know a lot of the info... 


Unfortunately, since mid March, my Mama and I had a "falling out" I suppose, and as a result, void of all my attempts, my mother and I haven't spoken. So... i don't have anyone to go to, to answer some of these questions DOB/DOD questions. 


Anyway... I'm kinda hesitant to start this home study because I think I'm crazy for thinking the things I am... and because I don't have a lotta answers about my father and I don't have my mother to turn to with these questions... so...will this impact us and the home study?


WIll these... hauntings, ruin things overall...


Perhaps the answer is no.. but I certainly feel inadequate. I feel "messed up" ... and I've never considered or looked at myself as "messed up" before... till now.


And I know there are a lot of things people have in their pasts - perhaps worse than a dead parent and a feuding mother... but to me... who has so much "riding" on this home study... I feel like... this is a nail in a coffin... and that sucks... 


Sigh... in any event... I'd decided that it is important for me to locate my father's final resting place. Perhaps for closure... who knows... 


I know... it's just dirt... but... I want to... need to do this for me...


So, I contacted my aunt today, and asked if she remembered anything - like WHERE was the viewing...She reached out to another aunt who advised me of the location. I spoke with a wonderful (God willing) gentleman there, that kind of eluded to this being a needle in a hay stack... but said he would try and make this his personal project. That warmed my heart. The "haystack" was for a few reasons... I couldn't really give him a date of death. I thought it was feb/mar 1993... then... he called back and said no file was found... So I thought about it some more and apologized and told him I really wasn't sure. Maybe it was 94, or 95... maybe it was winter but not feb/mar.... I wore a winter coat... I thought I was in grade 8... but in all truths... I haven't thought about this FOREVER... and the memories I tried so hard to ... erase... have successfully been erased... and now... this sucks... or does it?!?! Do I need to know... 


Sigh... 


So...that's the deal. That's what's been on my mind this week.


Today however, was productive. I got some reassurance from some very important people in my life, and I made strides in starting the process of finding my father's resting place, and I made a dent in our PRIDE assessments that need to be completed STAT!


Next week, I will commit to TWO things... finishing PRIDE evaluations, and speaking with the referrals I was given for a home study practitioner and take it from there.


Wish me Luck! - Or rather, Blessings!

Congratulations! You are Now Pregnant Through Adoption

Today, we COMPLETED our PRIDE TRAINING! Woot Woot!!! What a BIG DEAL  this is!! Marc and I are ecstatic with the feeling and sense of accomplishment. Sofie concluded our class by saying "Congratulations! You are now Pregnant Through Adoption!" LOL! Funny lady!

Us with Our Certificate

Considering the past 2 months leading up to this, I was (and still can be) a basket case, we have certainly come a long way! These last two days of Pride were again, overwhelming (not as much as the first two days but...) and reassuring in that what we are doing is what we are destined to be doing.

Yesterday, we learned further about attachment, transition issues our child will experience and "alphabet soup" - also know as the "Scare you to death list of Syndromes/Diseases/Ailments" your child could have.

In discussing the "transition issues" we discussed what challenges we could expect them to experience:

• cultural transition if they are coming to us internationally
• change of food (again if they are international)
• language
• religion
• tradition/customs/holidays
• name change (identity transition)
• multi sibling units to single family dwelling
• change of environment/climate etc

We also discussed ways to address these concerns:

• learn their culture and do not discourage their learning of their heritage
• take part in cooking classes (for that culture) and have the child take part with you - or prepare a meal together at home
• go to restaurants of their ethnicity
• Perhaps celebrate their "gotcha day"(the day the adoption was finalized) at a restaurant of their ethnicity
• learn some words of their background
• learn the history of their country - heroes, legends etc
• understand national holidays of their country and celebrate it - ie Chinese New Year
• if our child were to already have a name, KEEP the name even as a middle or 3rd name, but do not entirely take it away...children attach to their name even if you do not think so...
• submerge them with other children of hopefully like nationalty and if they are also adopted...BONUS!
• create and maintain a LIFE BOOK (BIG ONE!!) - a blog post all in itself!

We learned how to answer the difficult questions children WOULD Have...

• why was I abandoned?
• how much did I cost?
• If my birth parents didn't have money, why didn't you just give them the money?
• there was more but...

How to answer... wow... just message me if you really want to know!

The long and short answer for almost any difficult question: reassure...reassure...reassure. YOU are their real Mommy and Daddy, YOU are and always will be their forever family, he/she will never be bought or sold because that is not what adoption is. We made a plan, we chose them. 

We finished by talking about alphabet soup:

• HIV
• ADHD
• FAS
• FAE
• SSD
• and again...I am sure there are more...

The bottom line is, know what you can accept-by way of challenges you are willing to adapt to... be true with yourself. And also... do not always go by the "label" because... children can excel far beyond said "labels". An awesome link Sofie shared is below:

Labelling Kids with Bogus Mental Disorders

Additionally - and lastly for Saturday, we discussed the importance of creating our profile (for candidacy), the importance of a LIFE BOOK and addressing the questions our children might face at school. As much as we want to protect our children, there will be the insensitive questions from their peers. Prepare your children ahead of time, ensure that from the beginning, your child is aware of the positive adoption language (referenced in my previous post: no clever title just what i learned ) ensure you have open communication and welcome questions, and if we feel so inclined, we could go in to their classrooms and educate the children on what adoption means and is... Sofie wrote a beautifully articulated book: What is adoption.

can be purchased via amazon: What Is Adoption?

By the time we left on Saturday, we were pretty on par with where our head was at...We also were excited to start our LIFE book for our little one and lastly, we started thinking about how and what we wanted our life book to look like.

All in All... it was a super tiring and productive Saturday Session... 

Today... 

Well today was an amazing day... 

We went through questions that uneducated/insensitive friends and family might ask and how we might combat said stupidity - ooops, that wasn't my inside voice eh?

some of the questions were as such (take this as a hint never to ask these questions):

• It's so great you "rescued" this child, what would they have ever done if you didn't "rescue "them?
• What do you know about their real mom?
• how much did he cost?
• I hear their real mom is in their life, you know they'll never love you the same way, right?
• you could never love this child as intensely as your real child, it's just not the same

In addition to learning to combat these questions, we also heard from so many guest speakers:

• past adoptees - with good and bad stories
• past adoptees who went on to adopt themselves
• past adoptees who created an adoption plan for their own child and now live in an open adoption with their birth child's parents
• and lastly, a couple who suffered through infertility and went on to adopt two wonderful children - one with ZERO complications - a clean bill of health at birth and clean history from Mother and Father, whom has now presented with a learning disability and a second child who came with traces of cocaine and two other drugs in their bloodstream, whose mother didn't know she was pregnant till two weeks before delivering and during that time, consumed unknown amounts of alcohol...who now, has developed exceptionally well at the age of 6 and presents ZERO signs of disabilities or learning challenges. - The point being, you will never know! It is in God's hands... and He will always know what you and your spouse can handle - even if you don't believe it or know it yet!

In all of their stories, the resonating point was such: OPEN ADOPTION IS AN INTEGRAL PART OF THIS PROCESS!!! And if you're not on board, you need to get over your own insecurities and GET ON BOARD for the benefit of your child! 

Marc and I were certainly in the CLOSED ADOPTION camp. We thought we could not manage with "sharing" this child with their birth mother/father... Sofie helped us see... this is not about us... and knowing their birth mother does not mean they will love us less, and it does not mean she can take them back. These children will be OUR forever family... that being said... this child of your does not have all of their pieces to their puzzle. Whereas in most birth families, we will know where we got our eyes from, our smile, our hair colour, smarts, artistic side etc... these little ones will have question marks that we will never be able to satisfy. IF their birth mother is willing to be part of their story, and complete parts of their puzzle, why wouldn't we want to help our child transition more smoothly? Why wouldn't we want to mitigate their pain - in ways that are within our powers?

We are now very much on board with helping our child complete their puzzles.

To hear these adoptees today, speak with great healing but still, a small bit of pain about not knowing; to think there is a better way of doing things versus adoption 30 years ago...to believe our children can have an even larger family and their love can expand past "us" through open adoption... makes me even more proud of this child we have yet to meet....

Through this training... our eyes have been opened to the "cons" of adoption. The non-romaticized version of adoption - and still... and even more... we WANT THIS CHILD!

Through this training... our minds have been prepared for the reality of illness, addiction, attachment issues etc ... and still... and even more... we WANT THIS CHILD!

Through this training... our hearts have been broken with the painful stories we witnessed, our hearts have hurt alongside the parents that also suffered through infertility, miscarriages, disappointments again, again and again... 

And... our hearts have grown...through this breaking and hurting...through likely millions of tears at this point.. it has grown stronger and bigger to see past ME AND YOU and to actually see the "US" God is preparing for Marc and I in a very new, very different way...

Now...  we are even more prepared... more determined... more encouraged. And we know with complete certainty...

WE WANT THIS CHILD!

God has paved this path for Marc and I, and that is... mind blowing. This is something the rightmost side of my brain could NEVER ever DREAM UP!!! And... it is AWESOME. It is ... simply ... 

AWESOME

I've got no other words for it. 

Today... as you can see... is a good day. It is a positive day... and... when (notice I say "when") I have those down days again... I will need to reminded of June 3... I will need to be reminded that God has a plan that is AWESOME, and mind blowing and unfathomable at many times...

But today... is a good day... and that, is what I am going to hold on to tonight.

Be Blessed!

Super Overwhelmed but Never More Sure...

After two days of training Marc and I are "hyper" overwhelmed, but... we've also never been more sure...

This IS for us... this IS something we are going to do...

By God's grace, direction, power and His Authority... we have arrived here... it is NOT something we've ever planned for...certainly not something I've envisioned... not a direction I thought our lives would take... but... we are here... and we are going to do this.

And as scared as we are...as terrified as I am... I am confident we have been placed here by design, with purpose. And... we will follow. We will remain faithful... and hopeful... cast those fears and insecurities upon Him... and just keep going.

No Clever Title - just What I learned during Day 1 of Pride...

This Past weekend... Marc and I embarked on our First 2 Days of our Pride Training.

Suffice it to say, it was pretty emotionally draining. We learned about the "Process" - I think I've got that DOWN to a science now. We spoke about the children that we would be adopting - including the challenges they would 1-come with and 2-potentially develop.

One the greatest most awesome things we learned was "Positive Adoption Language".

Words to avoid and words to Use instead to assist with Bonding and also assist with not making our children a victim.

• Instead of Real Mother or Father use Birth Mother or Father
• Instead off Natural Parents use Biological Parents
• Instead of My own child use My Birth Child
• Instead of My Adopted Child use My Child
• Instead ofMy Children are Adopted us We are an adoptive Family
• Instead of Foreign Adoption  use International Adoption
• Instead of Give away; put up for adoption; abandoned use Made an adoption Plan.

Not Bad eh? Have you ever used the "instead of" words? I have. 

Another awesome eureka moment was the concept that as an adopted child, they should not think/feel "I am adopted" they should feel "I was adopted". Why? Because they are not in a state of adoption. They are not perpetually to be defined by the fact that they were adopted. It was a moment in time... it's done.. and now, they are MY CHILD.... the end... nothing more. LOVE IT.

We spoke about Grief and Loss... that was hard - and relevant. Sofie assured us, that grief and loss is a part of Adoption. And said that every Adoption begins with "Loss". Loss to the child who is either losing their Birth Family or Foster Family - often times the family they've learned to love....And for "us", the adopting Parents... oftentimes, this conjures up the losses of our past- like in my case... the grief of being reminded of your own infertility, or the miscarriages of the past, your inability to carry a baby naturally... 

Wow... pretty deep stuff :-( We need to continue to remind ourselves that

Loss comes with Joy

And that sadness is something we are going to go through... it's normal; It's how we get through it that counts the most.

So what type of Emotions are these little one's going to be experiencing (to generalize):

• Lost - they don't know where they're going
• Angry - something (good or bad - it's all they've known) has been taken away from them
• Hurt - a sudden turn of events changes their whole life and they were never even asked/consulted
• Overwhelmed - feelings of an unpredictable future 

Funny thing is... I feel like I myself have experienced all the same emotions with how everything has unravelled. 

So how can we create a Successful Plan:

• keep the Child's birth name - don't go switching everything on them. 
• learn about their favourite foods - we all know the comfort one can find in their food
• keep the same school if possible
• collaborate with other vested parties - foster parents, parents if they're still allowed in the picture, social workers, aid workers etc
• learn their language - if there is a language barrier...

At the end... remember this...

Children are Ressiliant. They Can and Will Conquer this with our Love, Patience and Support... 

It is NOT impossible!

Another good thing to remember:

"All things are Difficult Before they 

Become Easy!"

"Legacy of an Adopted Child"

This is a poem I received at the CAS Peel Meeting. The Author is Unknown...

Once there were two young women who never knew each other

one you do not remember, the other you call mother.

Two different lives shaped to make you one,

One became your guiding star, the other became your sun.

THe first one gave you life, and the second taught you to live it.

One gave you nationality, the other gave you a name.

One gave you talent, the other gave you aim.

One gave you emotions, the other calmed your fears.

One saw your first sweet smile, the other dried your tears.

One sought for a home that she could not provide, 

the other prayed for a child and her hope was not denied.

And now you ask me through your tears,

The age old question, unanswered for years;

Heredity or Environment, which are you a product of?

Neither my darling,neither. Just two different kinds of love.

Better Yesterday than Today?

So... I woke up pretty alright. 7 hours of sleep, that's amazing relative to recent weeks! And... I felt ok.

Walked the pups with my brother... and then, went to meet my girlfriends for coffee before work. My friends Anne and D are a lot of my strength. They've been a great deal of Spiritual Support; Encouragement; they've been a physical presence when I just needed to not be alone... and I'm very blessed to have them with me (us) and on this journey with me (us).

Problem is... sometimes, they ask the hard questions. - Or not "hard" per se, but, the questions I don't want to address. The questions I didn't want to answer now...

Why not? Because then, they're out there in the universe, right? And this coffee date, was no exception to those questions. The hard questions: where are you at with foster to adopt...how do you feel, what are you thinking, what's holding you back, what are you fearful of... lots of solid questions... and most especially, questions I did not want to address. 

I went from waking up good, to now tearing up every two minutes and being sad about things that I had no control over and thus... not so much control over making myself feel better... (not the right attitude but the real attitude of how I was feeling) 

SIDENOTE: I learned that this post was never published, and thus, this is now like a week later... 

onwards then...

(the good thing is, I'm in a better place today than I was when I started this post LOL)

"Better" is a relative term. "Better" means not necessarily good, but it means an improvement from where I was. And that... is very awesome - especially if you knew where my head-space has been - often times three steps away from the ledge is what it seemed like.

This has likely been the most challenging year I've experienced.. either that, or, time heals the wounds of the past...or dulls the memory... either of which is likely the more viable answer. In any event... IVF since 2010 till now, adoption, reality etc... has made this year very real, very numbing and extremely heart breaking.

By the grace of God... we are still here, and stronger than perhaps we thought we could ever be.. By the grace of God, there are options  that neither Marc or I ever thought of - or... never thought we would ever consider... Adoption? Ehhh...maybe... Fostering?!?! Definitely wasn't on our radar...

That is a blessing I think. I think it's a blessing that through this process... through the failed natural attempts and failed "assisted" attempts... a family that would've NEVER given thought to adoption and fostering are now sitting here thinking.. hmm...it doesn't seem so bad....and not solely because it gives us a chance to be a family... but because we give a child a chance to be a part of a family...the opportunity they otherwise... may not have been privy to.

So.. to this day... May 24th... I cry for sometimes no reason.. and I "pain" for no reason... I get sad at other people's baby joys *forgive me... but I am genuinely and simultaneously happy for them - I promise! My heart drops at thoughts that should normally make my heart skip a beat... Memories are often my enemy... and the future is rather... duller than it use to be... but... in between this dark phase of my life... I have moments of joy and of clarity. Reminders that God is great... and that I shouldn't feel such sadness... and most importantly though... at this stage... I am reminded that I am still "ok" ... and all of the emotions that I am experiencing, are quasi normal. God will meet me where I am. And when I have a great day, followed by a terrible day... He will be there. He will be patient... hold me once again... embrace me yet another night... and reassure me alllll over again, that everything will be fine....

If there is one thing I can say to anyone reading this...friend, family, stranger soon to be friend...whatever the case may be... the up's and down's are normal - though I personally know...it does NOT seem that way. We are human. We are emotional. We are passionate. And we want what we want when we want it, right? As God following, and as faithful as we are... we have also have desires that burn in our hearts...God gets that... and the up's and downs, are simply an outward sign of 10% of the crazy that's going on inside us. (I've reflected on icebergs this week and figured this could be a good and true analogy!). One thing though... in all that we do, and in all that we feel... I... we... need to bring it and give it to God. There is no other way out of this crazy. And there is nothing more I can do than that which I am already doing... the rest...is in God's hands and we need to keep going back to Him... crying to the wind will doing nothing for us, and it will not better our situation in any way... crying to our friends and family is certainly support... a support God outwardly blesses us with... but the base, the foundation, is Him... and without Him... the structure falls apart, right?

One day Lord... I will feel and be "normal" again. I will be better at making you happy, and proud ... and you will be pleased... I promise... 

For now, please be patient with me... for now... please deal with my (not belittling this) bipolar-isms... 

God thank you for who you are in my life. Thank you for being the most patient. The most understanding. Thank you for a Spirit that can intercede when the words just do not come out. Thank you for understanding me through nothing more than my tears and sobs and simple cries of your name... Thank you for never giving up, and thank you for making me better than I was..