One Week Later...

Yesterday, CAS called and informed us on the date we were waiting for. Amazingly enough, they called when they said they would call!! Tammy called to set the date for the "file disclosure" meeting.

This is the next meeting in CAS' timeline, wherein, all parties involved in the kids' lives, come together to share/disclose all info on the children: Foster Parents, Child and Youth Worker, Adoption Practitioner, CAS and us.

We wont hear anything we didn't already know (I don't think), but this will be our opportunity to hear and ask questions to their "mom" of two years (one of their ONLY constants), and their child and youth worker, whose known them the longest (3+ years). So... we're looking forward to that!

Obviously, we're anxious, and nervous, and I'm still scared but... it's ALL good, and normal. We continue to pray together, and life all of our anxieties up to God... we continue to praise Him for how quickly things can change - for the GOOD this time!!! and most importantly, we pray that these babies will be ready and willing to receive us as their parents...


So... before Jan 11, Marc and I have more work to do, our next project = preparing a WELCOME BOOK! this is a book about US, and our family and our Home... and this will be given to the worker and parent on the 11th, and presented to the children while Marc and I are away in India attending a wedding. This will help introduce the kids to US, to the puppies, to their surroundings, their sleeping quarters, eating area, tv area etc...

SO that's exciting!

Additionally, we will be (over the next week or so) introducing the idea of the kids, to our extended families.

So there will be a lot of discussing, planning, teaching etc to look forward to.

12-12-12

So the day arrived where we met with Children's Aid. It started at 945, ended at 1, and by the end, I think the only word to express my thoughts was shock.

Starting from the beginning: We spoke about ourselves, our families, our dreams, our vision of what our family would be like, what we would do together, who would take parental leave etc...

Then came CAS' turn to speak; to describe the babies; how sweet Isaac [names changed for privacy], age 5 was. How he was a protective big brother with a great sense of humour once he warms up and a beautiful smile, coupled with a little bit of anxiety over the whole situation. With fears of disapproval, unacceptance, thoughts around "are they going to like me" ... and a huge heart that just wants a forever family and stability that he so deserves. And then there's Naomi, age 4... a mimic to her brother, a strong support when he gets down, loves to dance and enjoys music, has a beautiful smile, and sweet disposition and who looks for praise and affirmation from her foster parents.

And in my head, I keep thinking, I can do this! I can be that affirmation! We can give them a forever family! I like music, and jokes, and smiles and ... We can do this! Or can we???

Wait... can I be a "parent" to a 5 yr old boy and 4 year old girl?!?! Can I discipline and couple that with love?!? Can I pack lunches and read them to sleep? Can I answer the 5 million "why" questions? Waaaaait a minute! How the heck do I parent School Kids?!?!?!

[in enters  'shock']

Phone Calls That Change Everything

So... on Dec 7th, MarcAnto and I got a strange call from our Practitioner.

She'd called to speak to us about a sibling group of two that we were not being considered for through CAS... huh? Yup. That was the call. We weren't being considered for a couple reasons - one, our HomeStudy wasn't completed, and two, we weren't a match ethnically for the kids. In any event, she went over the kids' history with me, asked quite a few questions, including would you and Marc be willing to accept children of a different race, and then concluded by asking me to talk things over with Marc and get back to her - on the children we weren't being considered for. Don't worry, I was just as confused.

There wasn't a whole lot of talking I needed to do with Anto, because we knew what we were willing and not willing to accept. By now... YOU BETTER KNOW!! I emailed my practitioner that evening, gave her a thought-filled run down of how we felt and why, and she had replied and said she'd be in touch.

On Monday, I received a phone call from Children's Aid. They indicated they'd spoken to my practitioner and asked if it were okay to contact me directly. She went in to further detail about the sibling group, and asked if we could all meet to discuss them in length - if we believed this was something we were willing to consider. *Blink Blink* ...

Is this really happening. Are we really going to sit down with CAS and chat about "real" children?! with Names and All?!?! Lol!

This was serious! like FOR REAL!

Okay... so once I composed myself... I spoke to Marc, and confirmed a date and time with CAS.

Wednesday, December 12!

This is now the part where I start to panic, freak out, run in imaginary circles (in my mind)... and rush to get the house composed for the visit in TWO DAYS! LOL!

Not too good at this blogging thing

  I know that this blogging deal serves two purposes:

• One: it's therapeutic for me
• Two: it can serve to help others.

Theoretically... the way I've been writing... is moreso for me than for others. Sorry "others" !!!

The adoption overall... the "mission" to be a Mom... has not been easy. It's come with a great deal of pain... discouragement... sadness...emptiness... defeat... I'm pretty sure I could fill up a page. At the same time, the mission has strengthened me, beyond even my imagination's expectations. My faith in my God - whom I've adored forever, is at a level that I don't feel I could've arrived at, had I not gone along this path. Would I do it all the same if I had a choice? Umm... well... *scratches head* ... selfishly... I'm not confident to say yes on that one. So praise God for being in the driver's seat eh?

So, where do things stand with the adoption process today? Well, 7 months later, Marc and I have completed all the necessary home study interviews and provided all paper work necessary. In October, we were well in the mindset of applying to the Philippines internationally along with Children's Aid Peel.

There was some additional requirements Philippines needed - included in which was a psychological assessment, and my practitioner had requested I call Cornerstone to confirm whether the eval had to be done with a specific Dr. or whether I could go anywhere. So as I made that call on October 31, my disposition changed, and my heart dropped once again. We were informed of the answer to my question, but was also told that Philippines was no longer accepting applications until AT LEAST April 2013 as a result of the high volume of applicants.

So in doing the math, I realized, I would need to wait probably at best, well into 2016 to maybe be a mama. MAYBE!!! Wow... what a disappointment, and what a defeat to a mission that hadn't even really started - meaning, I'd not even submitted my application yet. I was SUPER dejected...

Thank God for Marc. After giving me some time to grieve, he reminded me that God was the controller. God continued to have our paths mapped, and our job was simply to follow and remain on course. He reminded me that in addition to Philippines, we still were applying to CAS, and perhaps, this is where God had wanted to lead us. In my mind, I agreed with all Marc had said except had little faith in CAS. Why? Well, at the info session, our Representative had informed us that the wait could be now tilll never... comforting words!

I spoke with my Practitioner, advised her of the Philippines details and she clearly knew I needed time to absorb. She'd asked me whether I had my heart set on PI, and I explained it wasn't a heart setting but rather, I'd seen it as my only hope due to the "now or never" comment. She sighed, looked at us and said, 'please take that with a grain of salt'. Unfortunately, they have to say this... there are many individuals that expect a baby very quickly, and don't realize the process involved, and as a result, CAS has been advised to sort of... "reality check" those applicants. - I am paraphrasing now but, that was the jist of it. So... that was a little more comforting - in addition to my voice-of-reason spouse!

And from there, we continued to trek along and life continued to get interesting...

While I Was AWOL...

I celebrated a Birthday!

(written Oct 1st and forgotten about till today LOL)

September 17th marked not a milestone birthday, but a significant birthday nonetheless. Why? Because... this was probably the closing of "the worse" year of my life... 

With the miscarriages, and the pain and despair that came along with that...with me not speaking to one of my closest and bestest friends (my mama) on my birthday-and really the previous 6 months leading up to my birthday... with the many question marks and no "light" in the distance with the adoption... my past year had been likely THE ROUGH-ESSST year ever!!!

Now... that being said... I grew in my faith, more deeply than I ever had before. And that revelation... did not come so easily, but...it came...eventually.

I looked back at Facebook over the last year - of all things eh? I looked at my posts... and my blogs... and thought.. none of this... NONE of this, really would have happened had "this" not happened first...

On the anniversary of the day I was born, I "status'd"

I'll sing 2U Lord a hymn of love. For ur faithfulness 2 me. I'm carried in everlasting arms, you'll never let me go... thru it all. Thank u Lord for Blessing me with the hardest year of my existence to date - and also GIFTING me w/ the MOST faith strengthening, spirit filled, time of my life :)

It is ABSOLUTELY true. God has gifted me with a year of strengthening, rebuilding, renewing...and... it is unfortunate - but still true, that I wouldn't have hit this stage had the pain never been experienced.

God's words rang true based not only in HisWord but in my fellowship with my Christ centred friends. Friends that are grounded in Him, that encouraged me through His Words and teachings, that never let me forget that through it all... God loves me, and wants the best for me, and has something RIDICULOUSLY AWESOME planned for Marc and I.

It's been hard, and it's definitely been an up and down battle...