fostering = heart condition?

So... blogging has been my outlet for all things painful. I'm hoping that changes to all things hopeful, positive and uplifting, but lately... I'm playing the role of eeyore - or so it seems in my head anyway.

As mentioned earlier, Today was THE day. The CAS meeting. It was good, and a touch overwhelming. Four pages of notes later (I printed big and indented a lot) and I'm sitting here with a whirlwind of feelings that are just not ready to be placed on "paper" at this point.

The long and short however is this: I am not discouraged - we are not discouraged, Marc and I are prepared and willing to go full steam ahead. That's good, yeah?

The jist of today (or the only thing I heard rather) was that for the fiscal year ending 2011, a total of 39 children in Peel - Mississauga, Brampton, Caledon and Malton, were adopted... 17 in peel, 17 from outside of Peel - typically CAS Toronto and Catholic CAS Toronto and 5 were adopted out to non peel families. *Blink Blink* really... a whole 39?

	Population
Peel	1,159,405
Mississauga	668,549
Brampton	433,806
Caledon	57,050

that works out to be...0.00336% ... wow...how many parents are ready and waiting as we speak: 44. How many are in training 17. How many are waiting for training... I cant remember... I'll give the true stats when I wrap my head around everything.

So if this was you, would be be dejected?

Weird thing is... I wasn't. I don't believe Marc was either but, I failed to ask. I'm tired, don't judge me!

Towards the end of the agenda, Suzanne had already prepositioned that "someone" would be in to discuss fostering because CAS has now combined the Foster and Adoption departments. 

the lady that came  in, did not discuss "pure" fostering. She discussed "fostering with intent" meaning...intention/direction to adopt. The "world" finds that moving children is not a good thing. And fostering is supposed to be temporary. But the problem is, fostering is seldom temporary, and in the meantime, these children get moved A LOT!!! So... fostering with intent would be a long term foster care program. Not 6 children at a time, but 1 - maybe siblings, whatever. And the idea is this... they have not been judged "Crown Wards" = property of the state as yet... parents still have the ability to improve etc, and in the meantime, CAS is petitioning the courts to remove all parental rights.

The need/priority with the fostering with intent is this: infants (words Marc and I never thought we'd here), toddlers - interesting and teenage children... wellllll.... 

the "rub" ... THEY ARE NOT OURS!!! and COULD BE TAKEN AWAY ANYTIME THE JUDGE DOES NOT APPROVE THE PETITION!!!! that is a LOT of heartache!!!!

I fostered a beautifully broken english bulldog (abused beyond what any being should be) for two weeks. It was the most terrible-ist thing to give her up... and I knew the adoptees... but really... I just had such a hard time - I cried, prayed, worried about the consequences of my choices...sigh.... Thus, i'm okay with all the interviews, process etc with this child...I get it.

Lily is great, at weight, and adapting super well after 2 years with my friends Michelle and Kevin <3

In the meantime...

After the meeting concluded, we were going to hand over our "orange" registration form, in exchange for which, we would received our "package". You know, the package, that begins all this... 

And while we filled out the orange sheet, Marc asks... "you chose NO for fostering?". I'm like... yeah... we talked about this. He replied that this was the case before we knew about the shorter time period, the possibility of an infant... etc... *insert rolling eyes here as my life quickly becomes more complicated*.  I carried on to explain to the boy that these children quite likely, will be taken away from us, and delivered back to their (useless - I'm sorry) families... His long and short was, okay, let's just not close the door, and it doesn't hurt to take the info package home, right? ... 

Rrrrright...

So... we've now entered the realm of...adoption, IVF, and fostering with intent... interesting...

Don't get me wrong. I think we would be great at it, but, as I've been resoundingly told... we have bleeding hearts... which is not in the ingredients list of the FOSTER Parents. 

So... 

the pros - as of like 4hrs post meeting... 

if the child goes back..even for a brief time, they were given a great life with us (thanks brother for this one (Anto's perspective - which I love)

ummm... that's all! LOL!

the cons...

heartbreak

loneliness

emptiness

fear/worry/anxiety

 AWESOME!

 So... prayer to the rescue. We do not need to make a decision tonight. And.. the process (homestudy and pride) are all required so... we've got time to pray, meditate and conclude. We'll be fine. It'll work itself out...