Yesterday, CAS called and informed us on the date we were waiting for. Amazingly enough, they called when they said they would call!! Tammy called to set the date for the "file disclosure" meeting.
This is the next meeting in CAS' timeline, wherein, all parties involved in the kids' lives, come together to share/disclose all info on the children: Foster Parents, Child and Youth Worker, Adoption Practitioner, CAS and us.
We wont hear anything we didn't already know (I don't think), but this will be our opportunity to hear and ask questions to their "mom" of two years (one of their ONLY constants), and their child and youth worker, whose known them the longest (3+ years). So... we're looking forward to that!
Obviously, we're anxious, and nervous, and I'm still scared but... it's ALL good, and normal. We continue to pray together, and life all of our anxieties up to God... we continue to praise Him for how quickly things can change - for the GOOD this time!!! and most importantly, we pray that these babies will be ready and willing to receive us as their parents...
So... before Jan 11, Marc and I have more work to do, our next project = preparing a WELCOME BOOK! this is a book about US, and our family and our Home... and this will be given to the worker and parent on the 11th, and presented to the children while Marc and I are away in India attending a wedding. This will help introduce the kids to US, to the puppies, to their surroundings, their sleeping quarters, eating area, tv area etc...
SO that's exciting!
Additionally, we will be (over the next week or so) introducing the idea of the kids, to our extended families.
So there will be a lot of discussing, planning, teaching etc to look forward to.
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
12-12-12
So the day arrived where we met with Children's Aid. It started at 945, ended at 1, and by the end, I think the only word to express my thoughts was shock.
Starting from the beginning: We spoke about ourselves, our families, our dreams, our vision of what our family would be like, what we would do together, who would take parental leave etc...
Then came CAS' turn to speak; to describe the babies; how sweet Isaac [names changed for privacy], age 5 was. How he was a protective big brother with a great sense of humour once he warms up and a beautiful smile, coupled with a little bit of anxiety over the whole situation. With fears of disapproval, unacceptance, thoughts around "are they going to like me" ... and a huge heart that just wants a forever family and stability that he so deserves. And then there's Naomi, age 4... a mimic to her brother, a strong support when he gets down, loves to dance and enjoys music, has a beautiful smile, and sweet disposition and who looks for praise and affirmation from her foster parents.
And in my head, I keep thinking, I can do this! I can be that affirmation! We can give them a forever family! I like music, and jokes, and smiles and ... We can do this! Or can we???
Wait... can I be a "parent" to a 5 yr old boy and 4 year old girl?!?! Can I discipline and couple that with love?!? Can I pack lunches and read them to sleep? Can I answer the 5 million "why" questions? Waaaaait a minute! How the heck do I parent School Kids?!?!?!
Starting from the beginning: We spoke about ourselves, our families, our dreams, our vision of what our family would be like, what we would do together, who would take parental leave etc...
Then came CAS' turn to speak; to describe the babies; how sweet Isaac [names changed for privacy], age 5 was. How he was a protective big brother with a great sense of humour once he warms up and a beautiful smile, coupled with a little bit of anxiety over the whole situation. With fears of disapproval, unacceptance, thoughts around "are they going to like me" ... and a huge heart that just wants a forever family and stability that he so deserves. And then there's Naomi, age 4... a mimic to her brother, a strong support when he gets down, loves to dance and enjoys music, has a beautiful smile, and sweet disposition and who looks for praise and affirmation from her foster parents.
And in my head, I keep thinking, I can do this! I can be that affirmation! We can give them a forever family! I like music, and jokes, and smiles and ... We can do this! Or can we???
Wait... can I be a "parent" to a 5 yr old boy and 4 year old girl?!?! Can I discipline and couple that with love?!? Can I pack lunches and read them to sleep? Can I answer the 5 million "why" questions? Waaaaait a minute! How the heck do I parent School Kids?!?!?!
[in enters 'shock']
Sunday, December 16, 2012
Phone Calls That Change Everything
So... on Dec 7th, MarcAnto and I got a strange call from our Practitioner.
She'd called to speak to us about a sibling group of two that we were not being considered for through CAS... huh? Yup. That was the call. We weren't being considered for a couple reasons - one, our HomeStudy wasn't completed, and two, we weren't a match ethnically for the kids. In any event, she went over the kids' history with me, asked quite a few questions, including would you and Marc be willing to accept children of a different race, and then concluded by asking me to talk things over with Marc and get back to her - on the children we weren't being considered for. Don't worry, I was just as confused.
There wasn't a whole lot of talking I needed to do with Anto, because we knew what we were willing and not willing to accept. By now... YOU BETTER KNOW!! I emailed my practitioner that evening, gave her a thought-filled run down of how we felt and why, and she had replied and said she'd be in touch.
On Monday, I received a phone call from Children's Aid. They indicated they'd spoken to my practitioner and asked if it were okay to contact me directly. She went in to further detail about the sibling group, and asked if we could all meet to discuss them in length - if we believed this was something we were willing to consider. *Blink Blink* ...
Is this really happening. Are we really going to sit down with CAS and chat about "real" children?! with Names and All?!?! Lol!
This was serious! like FOR REAL!
Okay... so once I composed myself... I spoke to Marc, and confirmed a date and time with CAS.
She'd called to speak to us about a sibling group of two that we were not being considered for through CAS... huh? Yup. That was the call. We weren't being considered for a couple reasons - one, our HomeStudy wasn't completed, and two, we weren't a match ethnically for the kids. In any event, she went over the kids' history with me, asked quite a few questions, including would you and Marc be willing to accept children of a different race, and then concluded by asking me to talk things over with Marc and get back to her - on the children we weren't being considered for. Don't worry, I was just as confused.
There wasn't a whole lot of talking I needed to do with Anto, because we knew what we were willing and not willing to accept. By now... YOU BETTER KNOW!! I emailed my practitioner that evening, gave her a thought-filled run down of how we felt and why, and she had replied and said she'd be in touch.
On Monday, I received a phone call from Children's Aid. They indicated they'd spoken to my practitioner and asked if it were okay to contact me directly. She went in to further detail about the sibling group, and asked if we could all meet to discuss them in length - if we believed this was something we were willing to consider. *Blink Blink* ...
Is this really happening. Are we really going to sit down with CAS and chat about "real" children?! with Names and All?!?! Lol!
This was serious! like FOR REAL!
Okay... so once I composed myself... I spoke to Marc, and confirmed a date and time with CAS.
Wednesday, December 12!
This is now the part where I start to panic, freak out, run in imaginary circles (in my mind)... and rush to get the house composed for the visit in TWO DAYS! LOL!
Not too good at this blogging thing
I know that this blogging deal serves two purposes:
- One: it's therapeutic for me
- Two: it can serve to help others.
Theoretically... the way I've been writing... is moreso for me than for others. Sorry "others" !!!
The adoption overall... the "mission" to be a Mom... has not been easy. It's come with a great deal of pain... discouragement... sadness...emptiness... defeat... I'm pretty sure I could fill up a page. At the same time, the mission has strengthened me, beyond even my imagination's expectations. My faith in my God - whom I've adored forever, is at a level that I don't feel I could've arrived at, had I not gone along this path. Would I do it all the same if I had a choice? Umm... well... *scratches head* ... selfishly... I'm not confident to say yes on that one. So praise God for being in the driver's seat eh?
So, where do things stand with the adoption process today? Well, 7 months later, Marc and I have completed all the necessary home study interviews and provided all paper work necessary. In October, we were well in the mindset of applying to the Philippines internationally along with Children's Aid Peel.
There was some additional requirements Philippines needed - included in which was a psychological assessment, and my practitioner had requested I call Cornerstone to confirm whether the eval had to be done with a specific Dr. or whether I could go anywhere. So as I made that call on October 31, my disposition changed, and my heart dropped once again. We were informed of the answer to my question, but was also told that Philippines was no longer accepting applications until AT LEAST April 2013 as a result of the high volume of applicants.
So in doing the math, I realized, I would need to wait probably at best, well into 2016 to maybe be a mama. MAYBE!!! Wow... what a disappointment, and what a defeat to a mission that hadn't even really started - meaning, I'd not even submitted my application yet. I was SUPER dejected...
Thank God for Marc. After giving me some time to grieve, he reminded me that God was the controller. God continued to have our paths mapped, and our job was simply to follow and remain on course. He reminded me that in addition to Philippines, we still were applying to CAS, and perhaps, this is where God had wanted to lead us. In my mind, I agreed with all Marc had said except had little faith in CAS. Why? Well, at the info session, our Representative had informed us that the wait could be now tilll never... comforting words!
I spoke with my Practitioner, advised her of the Philippines details and she clearly knew I needed time to absorb. She'd asked me whether I had my heart set on PI, and I explained it wasn't a heart setting but rather, I'd seen it as my only hope due to the "now or never" comment. She sighed, looked at us and said, 'please take that with a grain of salt'. Unfortunately, they have to say this... there are many individuals that expect a baby very quickly, and don't realize the process involved, and as a result, CAS has been advised to sort of... "reality check" those applicants. - I am paraphrasing now but, that was the jist of it. So... that was a little more comforting - in addition to my voice-of-reason spouse!
And from there, we continued to trek along and life continued to get interesting...
While I Was AWOL...
I celebrated a Birthday!
(written Oct 1st and forgotten about till today LOL)
September 17th marked not a milestone birthday, but a significant birthday nonetheless. Why? Because... this was probably the closing of "the worse" year of my life...
With the miscarriages, and the pain and despair that came along with that...with me not speaking to one of my closest and bestest friends (my mama) on my birthday-and really the previous 6 months leading up to my birthday... with the many question marks and no "light" in the distance with the adoption... my past year had been likely THE ROUGH-ESSST year ever!!!
Now... that being said... I grew in my faith, more deeply than I ever had before. And that revelation... did not come so easily, but...it came...eventually.
I looked back at Facebook over the last year - of all things eh? I looked at my posts... and my blogs... and thought.. none of this... NONE of this, really would have happened had "this" not happened first...
On the anniversary of the day I was born, I "status'd"
I'll sing 2U Lord a hymn of love. For ur faithfulness 2 me. I'm carried in everlasting arms, you'll never let me go... thru it all. Thank u Lord for Blessing me with the hardest year of my existence to date - and also GIFTING me w/ the MOST faith strengthening, spirit filled, time of my life :)It is ABSOLUTELY true. God has gifted me with a year of strengthening, rebuilding, renewing...and... it is unfortunate - but still true, that I wouldn't have hit this stage had the pain never been experienced.
God's words rang true based not only in HisWord but in my fellowship with my Christ centred friends. Friends that are grounded in Him, that encouraged me through His Words and teachings, that never let me forget that through it all... God loves me, and wants the best for me, and has something RIDICULOUSLY AWESOME planned for Marc and I.
It's been hard, and it's definitely been an up and down battle...
Friday, September 28, 2012
It's been awhile...
It's been a long time since i've written.... and a lot has changed and at the same time... I feel like nothing has moved at all...
What's been going on..
And everytime I said no... for the times I said no... I pictured myself, staring a child in the face and damning them to a life without a family...Self Inflicted guilt much? So, the checklist was a challenge, and as such, I avoided... nonetheless.. we completed everything and finally delivered it.
Today, I received an email from Suzanne Gri (lovely lady) confirming she received my (expansive package) and was holding on to it until everything else arrived...
What's been going on..
- We Finished PRIDE - assessment and all.
- We interviewed/spoke to over 6 adoption practitioners - all of which I found "something" wrong with...
- July (8th) we chose a pratitioner, Terri Sikora - over 20 yrs of experience both privately and via CAS. She sent us questionnaires (overwhelming) and Marc and I started/tried to make a dent...
- Meanwhile, we still had the questionnaires from CAS to fill out - more tedious simply because they were hard copies and typing was not an option (shake my head).
- August long weekend, I put my head down and went full steam ahead to complete MY questionnaires - then I could focus on getting the husband to complete his... One thing I'll say... the paper work, the length of time... EVERYTHING about this process (administratively) I really feel is just a way to weed out the "fad-ers" from the "for-real-ers" - if that makes any sense...
- After I completed my portion, Marc was right around the bend... and our first of four meetings with Terri was Aug 15.
- The first meeting was almost 3 hours long, not hard, but exhaustive - I probably did that to myself simply b/c I was so focused on making a good impression - and also worried that my pups would eat her which surely wouldn't help in convincing her that we were a safe environment LOL!
- the next interview - one week later was one on one with Marc, and the third was her and me.
- With all of the messed up drama in my life (as of late)... I really was not keen on meeting with her. Again, I thought she would find me unfit, unable to deal with conflict appropriately (my mother issues), i don't know.... a whole lot of fears haunted me. I mainly did NOT want to shed a tear, and at the time (early sept), hearing my name said in the wrong (unintentional) tone would make those tears flow.
- By God's grace... that meeting went superb. No tears. Strength. Focus. Precise answers. Honest. Genuine. And towards the end, Terri stared at me and said Crystal, I want you to know, this is not you. The conflict you are facing with your mother, is now in her court and there is nothing more you can do. These words, have been said to me by some of my dearest, most loving friends NOT TO MENTION my spouse... but they needed to be heard from her... this time. And this weight... was lifted.
- At this stage... we have now completed 3 of 4 home studies. We have completed our Criminal/RCMP checks and are simply waiting for them in the mail. MAJORITY with the exception of two references have come back... and Terri says we just wait...
- Regarding that CAS package that I said was overwhelming in hard copy... we FINALLY dropped it off on Tuesday (this past tuesday). Yes.. it has been awhile but... there were some hard questions (mainly the child checklist) that I was wanting to avoid.
And everytime I said no... for the times I said no... I pictured myself, staring a child in the face and damning them to a life without a family...Self Inflicted guilt much? So, the checklist was a challenge, and as such, I avoided... nonetheless.. we completed everything and finally delivered it.
Today, I received an email from Suzanne Gri (lovely lady) confirming she received my (expansive package) and was holding on to it until everything else arrived...
- Adoption Homestudy
- Medical Report (for each applicant)
- Medical Specialist Letters if you have seen a specialist/therapist in the last five years
- Financial Statement
- Local Police Clearances (for each applicant)
- Foreign Police Clearances if you lived for any time as an adult (18+) in a foreign jurisdiction
- References (5)
- Child Welfare Agency Record Checks – A foreign child welfare record check is also required if you lived for any time as an adult (18+) in a foreign jurisdiction (this may be difficult in some cases, please indicate this early in the process so the issue can be resolved).
- Home Safety Checklist
- Questionnaires #1 & #2
- PRIDE Homework and Trainers Notes
Yup... so I sit there and wonder... have I really accomplished ANYTHING?!?!?!?!
Saturday, June 9, 2012
Am I Crazy?
In discussing everything throughout my PRIDE training - missing puzzle pieces, attachment, identity etc... it hit "areas" that I never really thought would bother me... And i'm starting to think I'm crazy...
Long and short, my father was very physically abusive - more to my mother and brother than to me (though I wasn't completely spared). As a result... my mother took us and left when I was around... 5-6 I think. And I was relieved. It was hard for her, but it was the best thing for everyone involved. The "trauma" caused some emotional wounds, but also physical ailments as well. NOTHING unfixable, and soon after we left... things sort of got better - minus the small hiccups that we dealt with.
As a result, I was very, ummm, nervous - watching over my shoulder OFTEN (as my father would show up on school property when he was already ordered not to and do other... dumb things); I was very protective of my Mama (that's kind of normal though)... and as I learned in training, I was "hyper sensitive" with emotions/expressions - having a 'heightened' awareness of the emotions of others...or gathering the cues quite quickly that people would give off if they were sad, mad, angry etc... the "bad" in that... I let other's emotions affect me.. and I would take personal blame often times for that... the good... I was sensitive and considerate with the cues, and made efforts to diffuse situations before things (hopefully) got bad.
When I was 13ish (could've been 14 or 15 I'm kind of learning), we (my mother by way of her sister) were advised of his death through heart attack and I, my mom and aunt went to the viewing (chose not to go to the funeral). The viewing was made difficult by his family who spoke of how much he loved me and how much he missed me and how many pictures he had of me in his home. The problem = they had no clue of went on behind our closed doors, and never will they be told as that's my business, and not for the purposes of defaming his name (note: we don't keep in touch, they won't read this blog EVERRR).
As a result of the guilt I felt, I chose not to go to the funeral. I did not mourn. It was a very matter of fact thing. My father passed. And since I hadn't seen him for at least 6-7 years now, it really had minimal affect on me.
Fast forward now to maybe 20 years later... when I am in PRIDE training, praying to be blessed with a child and learning about "missing pieces" and the "benefits of open adoption" and I'm starting to learn that I will be trying to fill in the missing puzzle pieces for this child when I have... quite a few missing pieces myself...
The more we spoke of "missing puzzle pieces" the more I started to evaluate these missing parts of me - which never caused me discomfort before. Mama was great... and my life was good... now, I find myself wanting to learn where his final resting place is and trying to remember things about him, wherein... I really can't... I can't really remember much of anything...why?? How?? Why? I realize I said that already...
It started to bother me in session 3...when there was a "pride connection" (exercise to be completed) on GENOGRAMs (date of births/deaths of siblings, parents and grandparents) ...and I didn't know a lot of the info...
Unfortunately, since mid March, my Mama and I had a "falling out" I suppose, and as a result, void of all my attempts, my mother and I haven't spoken. So... i don't have anyone to go to, to answer some of these questions DOB/DOD questions.
Anyway... I'm kinda hesitant to start this home study because I think I'm crazy for thinking the things I am... and because I don't have a lotta answers about my father and I don't have my mother to turn to with these questions... so...will this impact us and the home study?
WIll these... hauntings, ruin things overall...
Perhaps the answer is no.. but I certainly feel inadequate. I feel "messed up" ... and I've never considered or looked at myself as "messed up" before... till now.
And I know there are a lot of things people have in their pasts - perhaps worse than a dead parent and a feuding mother... but to me... who has so much "riding" on this home study... I feel like... this is a nail in a coffin... and that sucks...
Sigh... in any event... I'd decided that it is important for me to locate my father's final resting place. Perhaps for closure... who knows...
I know... it's just dirt... but... I want to... need to do this for me...
So, I contacted my aunt today, and asked if she remembered anything - like WHERE was the viewing...She reached out to another aunt who advised me of the location. I spoke with a wonderful (God willing) gentleman there, that kind of eluded to this being a needle in a hay stack... but said he would try and make this his personal project. That warmed my heart. The "haystack" was for a few reasons... I couldn't really give him a date of death. I thought it was feb/mar 1993... then... he called back and said no file was found... So I thought about it some more and apologized and told him I really wasn't sure. Maybe it was 94, or 95... maybe it was winter but not feb/mar.... I wore a winter coat... I thought I was in grade 8... but in all truths... I haven't thought about this FOREVER... and the memories I tried so hard to ... erase... have successfully been erased... and now... this sucks... or does it?!?! Do I need to know...
Sigh...
So...that's the deal. That's what's been on my mind this week.
Today however, was productive. I got some reassurance from some very important people in my life, and I made strides in starting the process of finding my father's resting place, and I made a dent in our PRIDE assessments that need to be completed STAT!
Next week, I will commit to TWO things... finishing PRIDE evaluations, and speaking with the referrals I was given for a home study practitioner and take it from there.
Wish me Luck! - Or rather, Blessings!
Long and short, my father was very physically abusive - more to my mother and brother than to me (though I wasn't completely spared). As a result... my mother took us and left when I was around... 5-6 I think. And I was relieved. It was hard for her, but it was the best thing for everyone involved. The "trauma" caused some emotional wounds, but also physical ailments as well. NOTHING unfixable, and soon after we left... things sort of got better - minus the small hiccups that we dealt with.
As a result, I was very, ummm, nervous - watching over my shoulder OFTEN (as my father would show up on school property when he was already ordered not to and do other... dumb things); I was very protective of my Mama (that's kind of normal though)... and as I learned in training, I was "hyper sensitive" with emotions/expressions - having a 'heightened' awareness of the emotions of others...or gathering the cues quite quickly that people would give off if they were sad, mad, angry etc... the "bad" in that... I let other's emotions affect me.. and I would take personal blame often times for that... the good... I was sensitive and considerate with the cues, and made efforts to diffuse situations before things (hopefully) got bad.
When I was 13ish (could've been 14 or 15 I'm kind of learning), we (my mother by way of her sister) were advised of his death through heart attack and I, my mom and aunt went to the viewing (chose not to go to the funeral). The viewing was made difficult by his family who spoke of how much he loved me and how much he missed me and how many pictures he had of me in his home. The problem = they had no clue of went on behind our closed doors, and never will they be told as that's my business, and not for the purposes of defaming his name (note: we don't keep in touch, they won't read this blog EVERRR).
As a result of the guilt I felt, I chose not to go to the funeral. I did not mourn. It was a very matter of fact thing. My father passed. And since I hadn't seen him for at least 6-7 years now, it really had minimal affect on me.
Fast forward now to maybe 20 years later... when I am in PRIDE training, praying to be blessed with a child and learning about "missing pieces" and the "benefits of open adoption" and I'm starting to learn that I will be trying to fill in the missing puzzle pieces for this child when I have... quite a few missing pieces myself...
The more we spoke of "missing puzzle pieces" the more I started to evaluate these missing parts of me - which never caused me discomfort before. Mama was great... and my life was good... now, I find myself wanting to learn where his final resting place is and trying to remember things about him, wherein... I really can't... I can't really remember much of anything...why?? How?? Why? I realize I said that already...
It started to bother me in session 3...when there was a "pride connection" (exercise to be completed) on GENOGRAMs (date of births/deaths of siblings, parents and grandparents) ...and I didn't know a lot of the info...
Unfortunately, since mid March, my Mama and I had a "falling out" I suppose, and as a result, void of all my attempts, my mother and I haven't spoken. So... i don't have anyone to go to, to answer some of these questions DOB/DOD questions.
Anyway... I'm kinda hesitant to start this home study because I think I'm crazy for thinking the things I am... and because I don't have a lotta answers about my father and I don't have my mother to turn to with these questions... so...will this impact us and the home study?
WIll these... hauntings, ruin things overall...
Perhaps the answer is no.. but I certainly feel inadequate. I feel "messed up" ... and I've never considered or looked at myself as "messed up" before... till now.
And I know there are a lot of things people have in their pasts - perhaps worse than a dead parent and a feuding mother... but to me... who has so much "riding" on this home study... I feel like... this is a nail in a coffin... and that sucks...
Sigh... in any event... I'd decided that it is important for me to locate my father's final resting place. Perhaps for closure... who knows...
I know... it's just dirt... but... I want to... need to do this for me...
So, I contacted my aunt today, and asked if she remembered anything - like WHERE was the viewing...She reached out to another aunt who advised me of the location. I spoke with a wonderful (God willing) gentleman there, that kind of eluded to this being a needle in a hay stack... but said he would try and make this his personal project. That warmed my heart. The "haystack" was for a few reasons... I couldn't really give him a date of death. I thought it was feb/mar 1993... then... he called back and said no file was found... So I thought about it some more and apologized and told him I really wasn't sure. Maybe it was 94, or 95... maybe it was winter but not feb/mar.... I wore a winter coat... I thought I was in grade 8... but in all truths... I haven't thought about this FOREVER... and the memories I tried so hard to ... erase... have successfully been erased... and now... this sucks... or does it?!?! Do I need to know...
Sigh...
So...that's the deal. That's what's been on my mind this week.
Today however, was productive. I got some reassurance from some very important people in my life, and I made strides in starting the process of finding my father's resting place, and I made a dent in our PRIDE assessments that need to be completed STAT!
Next week, I will commit to TWO things... finishing PRIDE evaluations, and speaking with the referrals I was given for a home study practitioner and take it from there.
Wish me Luck! - Or rather, Blessings!
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