Am I Crazy?

In discussing everything throughout my PRIDE training - missing puzzle pieces, attachment, identity etc... it hit "areas" that I never really thought would bother me... And i'm starting to think I'm crazy...
Long and short, my father was very physically abusive - more to my mother and brother than to me (though I wasn't completely spared). As a result... my mother took us and left when I was around... 5-6 I think. And I was relieved. It was hard for her, but it was the best thing for everyone involved. The "trauma" caused some emotional wounds, but also physical ailments as well. NOTHING unfixable, and soon after we left... things sort of got better - minus the small hiccups that we dealt with.


As a result, I was very, ummm, nervous - watching over my shoulder OFTEN (as my father would show up on school property when he was already ordered not to and do other... dumb things); I was very protective of my Mama (that's kind of normal though)... and as I learned in training, I was "hyper sensitive" with emotions/expressions - having a 'heightened' awareness of the emotions of others...or gathering the cues quite quickly that people would give off if they were sad, mad, angry etc... the "bad" in that... I let other's emotions affect me.. and I would take personal blame often times for that... the good... I was sensitive and considerate with the cues, and made efforts to diffuse situations before things (hopefully) got bad. 


When I was 13ish (could've been 14 or 15 I'm kind of learning), we (my mother by way of her sister) were advised of his death through heart attack and I, my mom and aunt went to the viewing (chose not to go to the funeral). The viewing was made difficult by his family who spoke of how much he loved me and how much he missed me and how many pictures he had of me in his home. The problem = they had no clue of went on behind our closed doors, and never will they be told as that's my business, and not for the purposes of defaming his name (note: we don't keep in touch, they won't read this blog EVERRR).


As a result of the guilt I felt, I chose not to go to the funeral. I did not mourn. It was a very matter of fact thing. My father passed. And since I hadn't seen him for at least 6-7 years now, it really had minimal affect on me.


Fast forward now to maybe 20 years later... when I am in PRIDE training, praying to be blessed with a child and learning about "missing pieces" and the "benefits of open adoption" and I'm starting to learn that I will be trying to fill in the missing puzzle pieces for this child when I have... quite a few missing pieces myself... 


The more we spoke of "missing puzzle pieces" the more I started to evaluate these missing parts of me - which never caused me discomfort before. Mama was great... and my life was good... now, I find myself wanting to learn where his final resting place is and trying to remember things about him, wherein... I really can't... I can't really remember much of anything...why?? How?? Why? I realize I said that already...


It started to bother me in session 3...when there was a "pride connection" (exercise to be completed) on GENOGRAMs (date of births/deaths of siblings, parents and grandparents) ...and I didn't know a lot of the info... 


Unfortunately, since mid March, my Mama and I had a "falling out" I suppose, and as a result, void of all my attempts, my mother and I haven't spoken. So... i don't have anyone to go to, to answer some of these questions DOB/DOD questions. 


Anyway... I'm kinda hesitant to start this home study because I think I'm crazy for thinking the things I am... and because I don't have a lotta answers about my father and I don't have my mother to turn to with these questions... so...will this impact us and the home study?


WIll these... hauntings, ruin things overall...


Perhaps the answer is no.. but I certainly feel inadequate. I feel "messed up" ... and I've never considered or looked at myself as "messed up" before... till now.


And I know there are a lot of things people have in their pasts - perhaps worse than a dead parent and a feuding mother... but to me... who has so much "riding" on this home study... I feel like... this is a nail in a coffin... and that sucks... 


Sigh... in any event... I'd decided that it is important for me to locate my father's final resting place. Perhaps for closure... who knows... 


I know... it's just dirt... but... I want to... need to do this for me...


So, I contacted my aunt today, and asked if she remembered anything - like WHERE was the viewing...She reached out to another aunt who advised me of the location. I spoke with a wonderful (God willing) gentleman there, that kind of eluded to this being a needle in a hay stack... but said he would try and make this his personal project. That warmed my heart. The "haystack" was for a few reasons... I couldn't really give him a date of death. I thought it was feb/mar 1993... then... he called back and said no file was found... So I thought about it some more and apologized and told him I really wasn't sure. Maybe it was 94, or 95... maybe it was winter but not feb/mar.... I wore a winter coat... I thought I was in grade 8... but in all truths... I haven't thought about this FOREVER... and the memories I tried so hard to ... erase... have successfully been erased... and now... this sucks... or does it?!?! Do I need to know... 


Sigh... 


So...that's the deal. That's what's been on my mind this week.


Today however, was productive. I got some reassurance from some very important people in my life, and I made strides in starting the process of finding my father's resting place, and I made a dent in our PRIDE assessments that need to be completed STAT!


Next week, I will commit to TWO things... finishing PRIDE evaluations, and speaking with the referrals I was given for a home study practitioner and take it from there.


Wish me Luck! - Or rather, Blessings!