Today, we COMPLETED our PRIDE TRAINING! Woot Woot!!! What a
BIG DEAL this is!! Marc and I are ecstatic with the feeling and sense of accomplishment. Sofie concluded our class by saying "Congratulations! You are now Pregnant Through Adoption!" LOL! Funny lady!
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| Us with Our Certificate |
Considering the past 2 months leading up to this, I was (and still can be) a
basket case, we have certainly come a
long way! These last two days of Pride were again, overwhelming (not as much as the first two days but...) and reassuring in that what we are doing is what we are destined to be doing.
Yesterday, we learned further about attachment, transition issues our child will experience and "alphabet soup" - also know as the "Scare you to death list of Syndromes/Diseases/Ailments" your child could have.
In discussing the "transition issues" we discussed what challenges we could expect them to experience:
- cultural transition if they are coming to us internationally
- change of food (again if they are international)
- language
- religion
- tradition/customs/holidays
- name change (identity transition)
- multi sibling units to single family dwelling
- change of environment/climate etc
We also discussed ways to address these concerns:
- learn their culture and do not discourage their learning of their heritage
- take part in cooking classes (for that culture) and have the child take part with you - or prepare a meal together at home
- go to restaurants of their ethnicity
- Perhaps celebrate their "gotcha day"(the day the adoption was finalized) at a restaurant of their ethnicity
- learn some words of their background
- learn the history of their country - heroes, legends etc
- understand national holidays of their country and celebrate it - ie Chinese New Year
- if our child were to already have a name, KEEP the name even as a middle or 3rd name, but do not entirely take it away...children attach to their name even if you do not think so...
- submerge them with other children of hopefully like nationalty and if they are also adopted...BONUS!
- create and maintain a LIFE BOOK (BIG ONE!!) - a blog post all in itself!
We learned how to answer the difficult questions children WOULD Have...
- why was I abandoned?
- how much did I cost?
- If my birth parents didn't have money, why didn't you just give them the money?
- there was more but...
How to answer... wow... just message me if you really want to know!
The long and short answer for almost any difficult question: reassure...reassure...reassure. YOU are their real Mommy and Daddy, YOU are and always will be their forever family, he/she will never be bought or sold because that is not what adoption is. We made a plan, we chose them.
We finished by talking about alphabet soup:
- HIV
- ADHD
- FAS
- FAE
- SSD
- and again...I am sure there are more...
The bottom line is, know what you can accept-by way of challenges you are willing to adapt to... be true with yourself. And also... do not always go by the "label" because... children can excel far beyond said "labels". An awesome link Sofie shared is below:
Additionally - and lastly for Saturday, we discussed the importance of creating our profile (for candidacy), the importance of a LIFE BOOK and addressing the questions our children might face at school. As much as we want to protect our children, there
will be the insensitive questions from their peers. Prepare your children ahead of time, ensure that from the beginning, your child is aware of the positive adoption language (referenced in my previous post:
no clever title just what i learned ) ensure you have open communication and welcome questions, and if we feel so inclined, we could go in to their classrooms and educate the children on what adoption means and is... Sofie wrote a beautifully articulated book: What is adoption.
By the time we left on Saturday, we were pretty on par with where our head was at...We also were excited to start our LIFE book for our little one and lastly, we started thinking about how and what we wanted our life book to look like.
All in All... it was a super tiring and productive Saturday Session...
Well today was an amazing day...
We went through questions that uneducated/insensitive friends and family might ask and how we might combat said stupidity - ooops, that wasn't my inside voice eh?
some of the questions were as such (take this as a hint never to ask these questions):
- It's so great you "rescued" this child, what would they have ever done if you didn't "rescue "them?
- What do you know about their real mom?
- how much did he cost?
- I hear their real mom is in their life, you know they'll never love you the same way, right?
- you could never love this child as intensely as your real child, it's just not the same
In addition to learning to combat these questions, we also heard from so many guest speakers:
- past adoptees - with good and bad stories
- past adoptees who went on to adopt themselves
- past adoptees who created an adoption plan for their own child and now live in an open adoption with their birth child's parents
- and lastly, a couple who suffered through infertility and went on to adopt two wonderful children - one with ZERO complications - a clean bill of health at birth and clean history from Mother and Father, whom has now presented with a learning disability and a second child who came with traces of cocaine and two other drugs in their bloodstream, whose mother didn't know she was pregnant till two weeks before delivering and during that time, consumed unknown amounts of alcohol...who now, has developed exceptionally well at the age of 6 and presents ZERO signs of disabilities or learning challenges. - The point being, you will never know! It is in God's hands... and He will always know what you and your spouse can handle - even if you don't believe it or know it yet!
In all of their stories, the resonating point was such: OPEN ADOPTION IS AN INTEGRAL PART OF THIS PROCESS!!! And if you're not on board, you need to get over your own insecurities and GET ON BOARD for the benefit of your child!
Marc and I were certainly in the CLOSED ADOPTION camp. We thought we could not manage with "sharing" this child with their birth mother/father... Sofie helped us see... this is not about us... and knowing their birth mother does not mean they will love us less, and it does not mean she can take them back. These children will be OUR forever family... that being said... this child of your does not have all of their pieces to their puzzle. Whereas in most birth families, we will know where we got our eyes from, our smile, our hair colour, smarts, artistic side etc... these little ones will have question marks that we will never be able to satisfy. IF their birth mother is willing to be part of their story, and complete parts of their puzzle, why wouldn't we want to help our child transition more smoothly? Why wouldn't we want to mitigate their pain - in ways that are within our powers?
We are now very much on board with helping our child complete their puzzles.
To hear these adoptees today, speak with great healing but still, a small bit of pain about not knowing; to think there is a better way of doing things versus adoption 30 years ago...to believe our children can have an even larger family and their love can expand past "us" through open adoption... makes me even more proud of this child we have yet to meet....
Through this training... our eyes have been opened to the "cons" of adoption. The non-romaticized version of adoption - and still... and even more... we WANT THIS CHILD!
Through this training... our minds have been prepared for the reality of illness, addiction, attachment issues etc ... and still... and even more... we WANT THIS CHILD!
Through this training... our hearts have been broken with the painful stories we witnessed, our hearts have hurt alongside the parents that also suffered through infertility, miscarriages, disappointments again, again and again...
And... our hearts have grown...through this breaking and hurting...through likely millions of tears at this point.. it has grown stronger and bigger to see past ME AND YOU and to actually see the "US" God is preparing for Marc and I in a very new, very different way...
Now... we are even more prepared... more determined... more encouraged. And we know with complete certainty...
God has paved this path for Marc and I, and that is... mind blowing. This is something the rightmost side of my brain could NEVER ever DREAM UP!!! And... it is AWESOME. It is ... simply ...
I've got no other words for it.
Today... as you can see... is a good day. It is a positive day... and... when (notice I say "when") I have those down days again... I will need to reminded of June 3... I will need to be reminded that God has a plan that is AWESOME, and mind blowing and unfathomable at many times...
But today... is a good day... and that, is what I am going to hold on to tonight.
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