Stop the "replay" button!

I can't stop this stupid replay! Every SPARE moment that I'm not doing anything, I replay... I can't do this to myself.

Do you know how many scenario's I've gone over in my head... I've questioned myself almost to death; 'was it "subconscious?". What the heck do you mean??? I loved him!!!! Terribly! I was watch them play with love for hours! It made me so happy to see him gnaw on rope for EVER.

Yes, he frustrated the crap out of me at times... but never! EVER! Would I want something like this for him.

You know what it is? I foresaw this happening, and it is because of that forshadowing that I feel like I "willed" this to happen. But I didn't! I promise. I saw this happening because he was ALWAYS the one to run off, but never in that direction! He would always run left!!! Not right!!!! and he would NEVER run THAT far! My goodness! Why? God, please stop the replay!

I know that Milo is in a better place, and I am confident I smelled him with me this morning :-)
I smelled his "wet doggie" smell. Am I losing my mind?

Why didn't I run after him. Why did I take my time? Because I didn't think! And for that, I will feel guilt! I didn't think he would run ONTO Hwy 10! I didn't think he would leave me... and when I chase him, like all dog owners know, they run farther... they think you're playing chase with them.. and I didn't want that.. and I didn't think! I didn't think!!!! I'm sorry Milo... I'm sorry Pugsley, for losing your brother, and I'm sorry MarcAnto for taking your baby away.

I didn't say a proper goodbye to him that morning. He was outside in the backyard, I was running late to work, I saw him staring at me from behind the sliding door, and I waived. I thought twice...I thought twice! About opening the door and kissing him goodbye! Why didn't I listen to my head. I thought, oh, well then he'd want to come with me, and I'd have to struggle to leave and make him stay, and I rationalized that Marc would bring him in... God, I am so sorry... at least I got to say hello to him for a split second before he escaped the house...he made it all the way to the other side!!!! And he died coming back to his Mommy... I am so sorry.... I'm proud of him for not getting hit crossing... but seriously.... God...please forgive me... I am so sorry Milo... for everything I didn't do....please... forgive me!


All...please forgive me. God, please give me peace... please....