My IVF Journey continues

Continued from : My Journey began in Jan/Feb 2010. Quite some time ago considering it's 2012 now but...

After my disappointment in December 2011, I thought, what better than to do it to myself all over again NEXT December LOL!

Truthfully, that wasn't the reasoning. We had our follow up with the Dr after the first time didn't work. He said there could've been 3 factors that caused it not to work - I'd venture to say 4... but...

his factors were:

• quality of sperm - which in my head and in my frustration, you really should've thought about previous when you were doing your analysis!
• conditions of the laboratory - so they analyzed to see whether ANY fertilizations "took" that day... if none did, they would then deduct it might've been something to do with the lab. And thirdly...
• the hormonal stimulation they gave me wasn't right - which he and I thought was the most logical.

During the stimulation, the injections were to really, act as an auto pilot to control my reproductive cycle. It was meant to turn off my natural system and control all factors - increase my estrogen levels gradually and accordingly day over day through daily injections; stop my mature follicles from dropping until the time was right and the doctor would go in and do the retrieval, fertilization etc.

For the first 6-7 days, the follicles weren't growing as much as they would've liked, so we increased from say 0.5 units to 1 unit, at which point, the hormones worked too well. The follicle grew significantly - meaning they doubled in size in two days...and the next assessment, they had grown significantly again. This caused them to reduce my dose down to 0.75 units. When the follicles reached a mature size (1.8 and greater), they removed them (as discussed in my last post).

Their thoughts - in hindsight, was the doses didn't work well. It caused the eggs to enlarge to much, thereby thinning the lining of the follicle along with the quality... therefore, this is why they didn't "plump" to a desirable size when injected with the Sperm.

My personal frustration (which any one who would have gone through this process would also feel...)... why didn't you think about this sooner?!?! Why, when you saw a spike of such magnitude, wouldn't you just say, "Crys, I don't feel good about this cycle, we're gonna stop, and restart on your next cycle." Yes! I would've been disappointed (slightly!), and yes, those drugs cost around $2700 alone... but... I would have MUCH rathered you being careful, versus me going through this "exercise" only for you to speculate afterwards.

WHATEVER! 

Getting frustrated however, doesn't fix anything, and really didn't make the "sad" any more acceptable.

My 4th option was simply that it wasn't God's timing for Marc and I... which, kinda hurt and saddened me moreso than anything else. God could've made the hormones/follicles/fertilization/insemination work if He'd wanted... so clearly, this just wasn't His time, right??

So, the doctor suggested that when we were ready to try again, we would take the ONE Egg that we froze, thaw it and move forward. By the time Marc and I were mentally, emotionally and quasi-financially ready to go through this again, it ended up being November. The drugs and hormones were far more minimal - simply antibiotics to avoid infection, and prometrium for ... I can't even remember... the point is, it was slightly easier.

The anticipation continued to build, and the day finally came where my body was ready to receive the Egg :-) I got up at 6 in the morning, had to be there with a full bladder by 745.. arrived prepared and anxious, praying the whole way through and also in pain with this overly full bladder...

waited for approximately 15 minutes and then...the IVF nurse came upstairs to tell me.. little Nemo was not responding well. The doctor wanted us to go home, and if anything changed, if it plumped up later on in the day, they'd call me back to come in. My heart sunk... *clearly.. I already knew that wasn't going to happen.

I went to my girlfriend's house to not be alone... she and another girlfriend waited with me, trying to keep me occupied. The wait was not too long. The embryologist called around 11, apologized and told me Nemo hadn't survived the thaw.

The "good": I didn't have to wait for 10 days to learn the outcome!
The bad... I prepared myself for a VERY LONG TIME for this transfer, and I did not even get a fighting chance!

It was utterly heartbreaking...

All the while however, I had to believe... this is what God has willed for us. God has made our path, and although this path might be disguised with Fog/Debris/Whatever, it is there. And his path is the ONLY path for us; the BEST path...

Now.. one year later.. I can type that... at the time... my mind knew it, but my heart felt otherwise. And that's ok...God understood my pain, my confusion, my frustration... and without Him.. this pain and emptiness would have been unbearable - thousands of times over what I had felt!

 SO... my body needed a rest, my mental state needed a rest and also, the pre-existing hole in our pocket also needed a rest LOL!

Our next steps were again... to meet with the doctor for a recap... and talk about our next steps...

Sigh.

Letters to my Little Nemo(s)...

Throughout the process the first time around.. I decided to keep a journal for our little Nemo.

In theory, this was supposed to be a very nice thing for my baby to one day grow up and read... but... when things derailed, I stopped writing... it was much harder to write dejected.

PLEASE IGNORE THE PENMANSHIP!!!

the first letter

page 2

such hope I posessed...

sigh...

These lil Nemo's will one Day Happen... some day... but these are where the letters ended.

My IVF Journey

My Journey began in Jan/Feb 2010. Quite some time ago considering it's 2012 now but...

this scene from `Finding Nemo`` is one I often recall especially when I saw the pic of my own `follicles``

Marc and I had been trying for some time to get pregnant the old fashioned way and it didn't seem to be as easy as one would think - you know, with young high school kids having "accidents" all the time and such. At the advice of family, we went to get checked out by our family Doctors just as a ... nice to do.

Through the check up, we found that there might be "concerns" that warranted us meeting with a specialist. We were introduced to Dr. Michael at Astra Fertility, Mississauga. The process was standard...

• meet and greet, who we are, what we want, what Astra can provide, what our first steps will be...etc
• we set up blood work assessments, sperm analysis and waited for a follow up.
• I also needed to do a sonogram, standard and not fun. They found one of my tubes were blocked.
• I did a hysteroscopy, not overly exciting or comfortable. 
• I had to do an endobiopsy - hated the MOST!!!
• Then in April, we got the follow up appt, and we were advised that with their findings, the only route/solution would be IVF.
• what this looked like was monitorings of my cycle (meaning almost daily bloodwork and ultrasounds)
• intake of hormones: lupron, hcg, ovadril and some other stuff that I probably choose not to remember, and we finished off by egg retrieval, fertilization and implanting on day 3. My little Nemo`s looked awesome. And I was ever so excited to the end result!!! (I just made that seem easy eh?)
  
  
  
  

  

  my little Nemo`s... I produced 19 eggs...great number in theory!

• of the 19 eggs.. they fertilized 5
• they tfr'd 2 - both of which they were concerned with because the size was less than desirable ie: it didn't plump as much as they would've liked.
• with the 3 remaining eggs, they waited to to see how they developed by day 5, and ONE egg was good enough to freeze, so that`s what they did.
  

  

  MarcAnto and I after the transfer

  
  

MEANWHILE After an agonizing 12 days of trying to be still, not stressing out *that is far from easy to do btw!, I started to bleed on say, day 10... so by the time I'd gone for my pregnancy test on the 12th day... I pretty well knew the outcome, but kept hope alive. Low and behold... the test came back negative and so began my sadness, and questioning of "why not me"?

The good thing is: I have a faith that assures me God is in control. And sometimes, I really don't know how people go through this... or any disaster really,  without a relationship with God. But I guess, you don't know what you don't know right?

So the day we found out the pregnancy test came back negative, was December 16th. One day before my husband's birthday, a few days before Christmas and for me... this meant 2 days before a surprise party I had planned for my husband and less than a week before a party of 50 people at my home Christmas Eve. Not to mention... our family had no idea what was happening because.. IVF seemed  and SEEMS very taboo for anyone to speak of :-(

It was a rough Christmas. My husband broke and told his mama, who was respectful enough to not share that secret, and was loving enough to be a great support.

On my side, my mother and family did not know. They're old school, and Asian/oriental, and would feel this to be quite unnatural and perhaps, messing with God's plan...

Considering I'm quite close with my Mama, this was very hard to keep; but the stress of dealing with all the questionnings... justified my reasons for not sharing this with her. Less than a hand full of my friends knew, and as hard as they tried... you will learn, there really isn't much anyone can do to make the situation less painful. And most notably... you will feel quite alone... and you will just need to work through that... as quickly as possible....

the sauga will continue....

The Day of Pugsley's Graduation

It's a little overdue but have been wanting to blog it since the day it happened.

So Tuesday May 26th came to fruition and Marc and I both had little butterflies in our tummy. We didn't know what to expect, and felt like Pugs was ready...

Late in the morning, I received a call telling me Milo's ashes were ready. So during my lunch, I went to go pick them up, and thought...wow, this is a little bittersweet of a day....

I picked them up, cried a little, picked up Milo pictures that I had ordered from Blacks to make a little memorabilia album thing, and went back to work...

So, Marc finished work earlier so he could go home and practice a little more with Pugsley. After work when I got home, I made fast spaghetti, and already started to prepare Pugsley for the road trip - which also meant loading up my cameraS, and all my lenses...which by the end, equalled two bags of just camera stuff! Aw man! When I have babies...LOOK OUT!

We finally get there, and I swear there is anxiety in the place. Sherri tells them to start warming up...and then soon after it begins:

Line the dogs up for the sit-stay while still in the room..this is the point where I screw up... While Pugs is doing the sit stay, I peer around the corner to snap a picture..just then, his focus is distracted and he stops concentrating and takes a little crawling step to my direction...oh dear! POINTS LOST! After that, MarcAnto needed to correct him one more time - but this wasn't me...I put the camera down and HID after the first mishap!

This is Pugs as his attention sways

Then was the down stay while they left the room for 3 minutes. Pugsley was PERFECT!!!! Then, the hard times happen.... one by one, they had to walk the dogs off leash with only their voice commands and hand movements as their guide, back and forth, turn, stay, down, figure 8 around the posts, stay while a stranger pets you etc... heart was beating SOOOOO fast...SOOOO scary! I truly truly didn't think Pugsley could do it...but I swear, it was the fear and anxiety within the room that just kept the WHOLE graduating class on par! It was awesome!!! He walked and ran and crawled (walked slowly) based on Marc's voice commands. He sat, lay down and stay. And most fantastically, he CAME!!!! He rarely comes!!!! By the end of it, Pugsley got some great praise and almost graduated second! He scored 194, the second place scored 194.5! YAY to my boy!!!!!

They spelled both Marc and Pugsley's names wrong but...ehhh

See His Report Card?Nice, Great, Well Done; and Fantastic!

So we then get home, I go straight to the comp to download all my pics and boast about my boy! And to my surprise guess what I found? You see, this is a camera that I don't use often because I upgraded and have been using the other one since. So when I uploaded the images from this memory card I found a little treasure of lost Milo (and Pugsley) pictures!!! Awww..that was such a good end to such a roller coaster day. Sad about Milo, scared for Pugsley, happy for Pugsley, proud of Pugsley and then happy and sad that I found the Milo pics!!!! So So nice!

A Dog's purpose acoording to a 6 yr old

I read this link and loved it...http://weruletheinternet.com/2011/05/24/a-dogs-purpose-according-to-a-6-year-old/

Being a veterinarian, I had been called to examine a ten-year-old Irish wolfhound named Belker. The dog’s owners, Ron, his wife, Lisa, and their little boy, Shane, were all very attached to Belker, and they were hoping for a miracle.
I examined Belker and found he was dying of cancer. I told the family we couldn’t do anything for Belker, and offered to perform the euthanasia procedure for the old dog in their home.
As we made arrangements, Ron and Lisa told me they thought it would be good for six-year-old Shane to observe the procedure. They felt as though Shane might learn something from the experience.
The next day, I felt the familiar catch in my throat as Belker’s family surrounded him. Shane seemed so calm, petting the old dog for the last time, that I wondered if he understood what was going on. Within a few minutes, Belker slipped peacefully away.
The little boy seemed to accept Belker’s transition without any difficulty or confusion. We sat together for a while after Belker’s death, wondering aloud about the sad fact that animal lives are shorter than human lives.
Shane, who had been listening quietly, piped up, “I know why.”
Startled, we all turned to him. What came out of his mouth next stunned me.  I’d never heard a more comforting explanation.  He said, “People are born so that they can learn how to live a good life – like loving everybody all the time and being nice, right?”
The six-year-old continued, “Well, dogs already know how to do that, so they don’t have to stay as long.”