My IVF Journey continues

Continued from : My Journey began in Jan/Feb 2010. Quite some time ago considering it's 2012 now but...

After my disappointment in December 2011, I thought, what better than to do it to myself all over again NEXT December LOL!

Truthfully, that wasn't the reasoning. We had our follow up with the Dr after the first time didn't work. He said there could've been 3 factors that caused it not to work - I'd venture to say 4... but...

his factors were:

• quality of sperm - which in my head and in my frustration, you really should've thought about previous when you were doing your analysis!
• conditions of the laboratory - so they analyzed to see whether ANY fertilizations "took" that day... if none did, they would then deduct it might've been something to do with the lab. And thirdly...
• the hormonal stimulation they gave me wasn't right - which he and I thought was the most logical.

During the stimulation, the injections were to really, act as an auto pilot to control my reproductive cycle. It was meant to turn off my natural system and control all factors - increase my estrogen levels gradually and accordingly day over day through daily injections; stop my mature follicles from dropping until the time was right and the doctor would go in and do the retrieval, fertilization etc.

For the first 6-7 days, the follicles weren't growing as much as they would've liked, so we increased from say 0.5 units to 1 unit, at which point, the hormones worked too well. The follicle grew significantly - meaning they doubled in size in two days...and the next assessment, they had grown significantly again. This caused them to reduce my dose down to 0.75 units. When the follicles reached a mature size (1.8 and greater), they removed them (as discussed in my last post).

Their thoughts - in hindsight, was the doses didn't work well. It caused the eggs to enlarge to much, thereby thinning the lining of the follicle along with the quality... therefore, this is why they didn't "plump" to a desirable size when injected with the Sperm.

My personal frustration (which any one who would have gone through this process would also feel...)... why didn't you think about this sooner?!?! Why, when you saw a spike of such magnitude, wouldn't you just say, "Crys, I don't feel good about this cycle, we're gonna stop, and restart on your next cycle." Yes! I would've been disappointed (slightly!), and yes, those drugs cost around $2700 alone... but... I would have MUCH rathered you being careful, versus me going through this "exercise" only for you to speculate afterwards.

WHATEVER! 

Getting frustrated however, doesn't fix anything, and really didn't make the "sad" any more acceptable.

My 4th option was simply that it wasn't God's timing for Marc and I... which, kinda hurt and saddened me moreso than anything else. God could've made the hormones/follicles/fertilization/insemination work if He'd wanted... so clearly, this just wasn't His time, right??

So, the doctor suggested that when we were ready to try again, we would take the ONE Egg that we froze, thaw it and move forward. By the time Marc and I were mentally, emotionally and quasi-financially ready to go through this again, it ended up being November. The drugs and hormones were far more minimal - simply antibiotics to avoid infection, and prometrium for ... I can't even remember... the point is, it was slightly easier.

The anticipation continued to build, and the day finally came where my body was ready to receive the Egg :-) I got up at 6 in the morning, had to be there with a full bladder by 745.. arrived prepared and anxious, praying the whole way through and also in pain with this overly full bladder...

waited for approximately 15 minutes and then...the IVF nurse came upstairs to tell me.. little Nemo was not responding well. The doctor wanted us to go home, and if anything changed, if it plumped up later on in the day, they'd call me back to come in. My heart sunk... *clearly.. I already knew that wasn't going to happen.

I went to my girlfriend's house to not be alone... she and another girlfriend waited with me, trying to keep me occupied. The wait was not too long. The embryologist called around 11, apologized and told me Nemo hadn't survived the thaw.

The "good": I didn't have to wait for 10 days to learn the outcome!
The bad... I prepared myself for a VERY LONG TIME for this transfer, and I did not even get a fighting chance!

It was utterly heartbreaking...

All the while however, I had to believe... this is what God has willed for us. God has made our path, and although this path might be disguised with Fog/Debris/Whatever, it is there. And his path is the ONLY path for us; the BEST path...

Now.. one year later.. I can type that... at the time... my mind knew it, but my heart felt otherwise. And that's ok...God understood my pain, my confusion, my frustration... and without Him.. this pain and emptiness would have been unbearable - thousands of times over what I had felt!

 SO... my body needed a rest, my mental state needed a rest and also, the pre-existing hole in our pocket also needed a rest LOL!

Our next steps were again... to meet with the doctor for a recap... and talk about our next steps...

Sigh.