Super Overwhelmed but Never More Sure...

After two days of training Marc and I are "hyper" overwhelmed, but... we've also never been more sure...

This IS for us... this IS something we are going to do...

By God's grace, direction, power and His Authority... we have arrived here... it is NOT something we've ever planned for...certainly not something I've envisioned... not a direction I thought our lives would take... but... we are here... and we are going to do this.

And as scared as we are...as terrified as I am... I am confident we have been placed here by design, with purpose. And... we will follow. We will remain faithful... and hopeful... cast those fears and insecurities upon Him... and just keep going.

No Clever Title - just What I learned during Day 1 of Pride...

This Past weekend... Marc and I embarked on our First 2 Days of our Pride Training.

Suffice it to say, it was pretty emotionally draining. We learned about the "Process" - I think I've got that DOWN to a science now. We spoke about the children that we would be adopting - including the challenges they would 1-come with and 2-potentially develop.

One the greatest most awesome things we learned was "Positive Adoption Language".

Words to avoid and words to Use instead to assist with Bonding and also assist with not making our children a victim.

• Instead of Real Mother or Father use Birth Mother or Father
• Instead off Natural Parents use Biological Parents
• Instead of My own child use My Birth Child
• Instead of My Adopted Child use My Child
• Instead ofMy Children are Adopted us We are an adoptive Family
• Instead of Foreign Adoption  use International Adoption
• Instead of Give away; put up for adoption; abandoned use Made an adoption Plan.

Not Bad eh? Have you ever used the "instead of" words? I have. 

Another awesome eureka moment was the concept that as an adopted child, they should not think/feel "I am adopted" they should feel "I was adopted". Why? Because they are not in a state of adoption. They are not perpetually to be defined by the fact that they were adopted. It was a moment in time... it's done.. and now, they are MY CHILD.... the end... nothing more. LOVE IT.

We spoke about Grief and Loss... that was hard - and relevant. Sofie assured us, that grief and loss is a part of Adoption. And said that every Adoption begins with "Loss". Loss to the child who is either losing their Birth Family or Foster Family - often times the family they've learned to love....And for "us", the adopting Parents... oftentimes, this conjures up the losses of our past- like in my case... the grief of being reminded of your own infertility, or the miscarriages of the past, your inability to carry a baby naturally... 

Wow... pretty deep stuff :-( We need to continue to remind ourselves that

Loss comes with Joy

And that sadness is something we are going to go through... it's normal; It's how we get through it that counts the most.

So what type of Emotions are these little one's going to be experiencing (to generalize):

• Lost - they don't know where they're going
• Angry - something (good or bad - it's all they've known) has been taken away from them
• Hurt - a sudden turn of events changes their whole life and they were never even asked/consulted
• Overwhelmed - feelings of an unpredictable future 

Funny thing is... I feel like I myself have experienced all the same emotions with how everything has unravelled. 

So how can we create a Successful Plan:

• keep the Child's birth name - don't go switching everything on them. 
• learn about their favourite foods - we all know the comfort one can find in their food
• keep the same school if possible
• collaborate with other vested parties - foster parents, parents if they're still allowed in the picture, social workers, aid workers etc
• learn their language - if there is a language barrier...

At the end... remember this...

Children are Ressiliant. They Can and Will Conquer this with our Love, Patience and Support... 

It is NOT impossible!

Another good thing to remember:

"All things are Difficult Before they 

Become Easy!"

"Legacy of an Adopted Child"

This is a poem I received at the CAS Peel Meeting. The Author is Unknown...

Once there were two young women who never knew each other

one you do not remember, the other you call mother.

Two different lives shaped to make you one,

One became your guiding star, the other became your sun.

THe first one gave you life, and the second taught you to live it.

One gave you nationality, the other gave you a name.

One gave you talent, the other gave you aim.

One gave you emotions, the other calmed your fears.

One saw your first sweet smile, the other dried your tears.

One sought for a home that she could not provide, 

the other prayed for a child and her hope was not denied.

And now you ask me through your tears,

The age old question, unanswered for years;

Heredity or Environment, which are you a product of?

Neither my darling,neither. Just two different kinds of love.

Better Yesterday than Today?

So... I woke up pretty alright. 7 hours of sleep, that's amazing relative to recent weeks! And... I felt ok.

Walked the pups with my brother... and then, went to meet my girlfriends for coffee before work. My friends Anne and D are a lot of my strength. They've been a great deal of Spiritual Support; Encouragement; they've been a physical presence when I just needed to not be alone... and I'm very blessed to have them with me (us) and on this journey with me (us).

Problem is... sometimes, they ask the hard questions. - Or not "hard" per se, but, the questions I don't want to address. The questions I didn't want to answer now...

Why not? Because then, they're out there in the universe, right? And this coffee date, was no exception to those questions. The hard questions: where are you at with foster to adopt...how do you feel, what are you thinking, what's holding you back, what are you fearful of... lots of solid questions... and most especially, questions I did not want to address. 

I went from waking up good, to now tearing up every two minutes and being sad about things that I had no control over and thus... not so much control over making myself feel better... (not the right attitude but the real attitude of how I was feeling) 

SIDENOTE: I learned that this post was never published, and thus, this is now like a week later... 

onwards then...

(the good thing is, I'm in a better place today than I was when I started this post LOL)

"Better" is a relative term. "Better" means not necessarily good, but it means an improvement from where I was. And that... is very awesome - especially if you knew where my head-space has been - often times three steps away from the ledge is what it seemed like.

This has likely been the most challenging year I've experienced.. either that, or, time heals the wounds of the past...or dulls the memory... either of which is likely the more viable answer. In any event... IVF since 2010 till now, adoption, reality etc... has made this year very real, very numbing and extremely heart breaking.

By the grace of God... we are still here, and stronger than perhaps we thought we could ever be.. By the grace of God, there are options  that neither Marc or I ever thought of - or... never thought we would ever consider... Adoption? Ehhh...maybe... Fostering?!?! Definitely wasn't on our radar...

That is a blessing I think. I think it's a blessing that through this process... through the failed natural attempts and failed "assisted" attempts... a family that would've NEVER given thought to adoption and fostering are now sitting here thinking.. hmm...it doesn't seem so bad....and not solely because it gives us a chance to be a family... but because we give a child a chance to be a part of a family...the opportunity they otherwise... may not have been privy to.

So.. to this day... May 24th... I cry for sometimes no reason.. and I "pain" for no reason... I get sad at other people's baby joys *forgive me... but I am genuinely and simultaneously happy for them - I promise! My heart drops at thoughts that should normally make my heart skip a beat... Memories are often my enemy... and the future is rather... duller than it use to be... but... in between this dark phase of my life... I have moments of joy and of clarity. Reminders that God is great... and that I shouldn't feel such sadness... and most importantly though... at this stage... I am reminded that I am still "ok" ... and all of the emotions that I am experiencing, are quasi normal. God will meet me where I am. And when I have a great day, followed by a terrible day... He will be there. He will be patient... hold me once again... embrace me yet another night... and reassure me alllll over again, that everything will be fine....

If there is one thing I can say to anyone reading this...friend, family, stranger soon to be friend...whatever the case may be... the up's and down's are normal - though I personally know...it does NOT seem that way. We are human. We are emotional. We are passionate. And we want what we want when we want it, right? As God following, and as faithful as we are... we have also have desires that burn in our hearts...God gets that... and the up's and downs, are simply an outward sign of 10% of the crazy that's going on inside us. (I've reflected on icebergs this week and figured this could be a good and true analogy!). One thing though... in all that we do, and in all that we feel... I... we... need to bring it and give it to God. There is no other way out of this crazy. And there is nothing more I can do than that which I am already doing... the rest...is in God's hands and we need to keep going back to Him... crying to the wind will doing nothing for us, and it will not better our situation in any way... crying to our friends and family is certainly support... a support God outwardly blesses us with... but the base, the foundation, is Him... and without Him... the structure falls apart, right?

One day Lord... I will feel and be "normal" again. I will be better at making you happy, and proud ... and you will be pleased... I promise... 

For now, please be patient with me... for now... please deal with my (not belittling this) bipolar-isms... 

God thank you for who you are in my life. Thank you for being the most patient. The most understanding. Thank you for a Spirit that can intercede when the words just do not come out. Thank you for understanding me through nothing more than my tears and sobs and simple cries of your name... Thank you for never giving up, and thank you for making me better than I was..

fostering = heart condition?

So... blogging has been my outlet for all things painful. I'm hoping that changes to all things hopeful, positive and uplifting, but lately... I'm playing the role of eeyore - or so it seems in my head anyway.

As mentioned earlier, Today was THE day. The CAS meeting. It was good, and a touch overwhelming. Four pages of notes later (I printed big and indented a lot) and I'm sitting here with a whirlwind of feelings that are just not ready to be placed on "paper" at this point.

The long and short however is this: I am not discouraged - we are not discouraged, Marc and I are prepared and willing to go full steam ahead. That's good, yeah?

The jist of today (or the only thing I heard rather) was that for the fiscal year ending 2011, a total of 39 children in Peel - Mississauga, Brampton, Caledon and Malton, were adopted... 17 in peel, 17 from outside of Peel - typically CAS Toronto and Catholic CAS Toronto and 5 were adopted out to non peel families. *Blink Blink* really... a whole 39?

	Population
Peel	1,159,405
Mississauga	668,549
Brampton	433,806
Caledon	57,050

that works out to be...0.00336% ... wow...how many parents are ready and waiting as we speak: 44. How many are in training 17. How many are waiting for training... I cant remember... I'll give the true stats when I wrap my head around everything.

So if this was you, would be be dejected?

Weird thing is... I wasn't. I don't believe Marc was either but, I failed to ask. I'm tired, don't judge me!

Towards the end of the agenda, Suzanne had already prepositioned that "someone" would be in to discuss fostering because CAS has now combined the Foster and Adoption departments. 

the lady that came  in, did not discuss "pure" fostering. She discussed "fostering with intent" meaning...intention/direction to adopt. The "world" finds that moving children is not a good thing. And fostering is supposed to be temporary. But the problem is, fostering is seldom temporary, and in the meantime, these children get moved A LOT!!! So... fostering with intent would be a long term foster care program. Not 6 children at a time, but 1 - maybe siblings, whatever. And the idea is this... they have not been judged "Crown Wards" = property of the state as yet... parents still have the ability to improve etc, and in the meantime, CAS is petitioning the courts to remove all parental rights.

The need/priority with the fostering with intent is this: infants (words Marc and I never thought we'd here), toddlers - interesting and teenage children... wellllll.... 

the "rub" ... THEY ARE NOT OURS!!! and COULD BE TAKEN AWAY ANYTIME THE JUDGE DOES NOT APPROVE THE PETITION!!!! that is a LOT of heartache!!!!

I fostered a beautifully broken english bulldog (abused beyond what any being should be) for two weeks. It was the most terrible-ist thing to give her up... and I knew the adoptees... but really... I just had such a hard time - I cried, prayed, worried about the consequences of my choices...sigh.... Thus, i'm okay with all the interviews, process etc with this child...I get it.

Lily is great, at weight, and adapting super well after 2 years with my friends Michelle and Kevin <3

In the meantime...

After the meeting concluded, we were going to hand over our "orange" registration form, in exchange for which, we would received our "package". You know, the package, that begins all this... 

And while we filled out the orange sheet, Marc asks... "you chose NO for fostering?". I'm like... yeah... we talked about this. He replied that this was the case before we knew about the shorter time period, the possibility of an infant... etc... *insert rolling eyes here as my life quickly becomes more complicated*.  I carried on to explain to the boy that these children quite likely, will be taken away from us, and delivered back to their (useless - I'm sorry) families... His long and short was, okay, let's just not close the door, and it doesn't hurt to take the info package home, right? ... 

Rrrrright...

So... we've now entered the realm of...adoption, IVF, and fostering with intent... interesting...

Don't get me wrong. I think we would be great at it, but, as I've been resoundingly told... we have bleeding hearts... which is not in the ingredients list of the FOSTER Parents. 

So... 

the pros - as of like 4hrs post meeting... 

if the child goes back..even for a brief time, they were given a great life with us (thanks brother for this one (Anto's perspective - which I love)

ummm... that's all! LOL!

the cons...

heartbreak

loneliness

emptiness

fear/worry/anxiety

 AWESOME!

 So... prayer to the rescue. We do not need to make a decision tonight. And.. the process (homestudy and pride) are all required so... we've got time to pray, meditate and conclude. We'll be fine. It'll work itself out...

May 16th...

Today’s the day Marc and I go to our first introductory Meeting with Children’s Aid Society Peel. We’re excited, hopeful, nervous, anxious… a whole lot of emotions. At the end of the day, I know it’s just a 1.5 hour info gathering session – most of which, by this time, I think we already know. But this is the “door”. The Gateway to something pretty cool unfolding. That’s pretty exciting!


I went to my first discipleship meeting with my friend Thea yesterday. We spoke of the process, and the meeting today. She spoke of how I and Marc were doing something  really amazing here (I still do not see it that way but...), and we spoke about family and friends and whether they have been supportive etc. I told her, all in all, everyone’s been pretty good! Some would “prefer” international adoption a touch more than CAS, and I understand where they’re coming from.They’re concerned about pre existing “issues” … FAS, drug abuse, autism, DS etc… but God has a plan for Marc and I… and truthfully… I don’t know the “end” of that plan per se. What I do know, is the peace I’m feeling regarding CAS, is good. It’s likely the closest thing to “good” I’ve been feeling the last couple of months. And although I am not ruling International out, I’m also not actively pursuing it… and we’re okay with that. And although we haven’t “closed” the door on IVF – with the new “procedure” they’re recommending, we’re also not actively pursuing/talking about that.

What we do speak of, is CAS… is this process… is the home we want to make, what we want to “fill” in that home, the siblings we would be willing to take, what we would like to do when we finally find our baby… the trips we’d like to have our child encounter…how we’d encourage bonding in the early stages… these are the things we’ve spoken about.

And I feel good. Really… at peace.

So… we know the process is going to be lengthy, and scary… and as best as we can anticipate, we also know there will be pain – especially with this short listing stuff.

But we know there is something at work here. And we know God is with us. And we know… at the end, we will be providing this little one – or ones, with a life they would not have otherwise had, and in “exchange” this little one will be fulfilling our deepest desires of having someone to love, and care for, and call our own…

Looking forward to this journey