A flashing sign please?

I need God's Dunamous Power to get me through this. To heal my heart of sooo many recent sadnesses; to show me 

what He wants from us... 

and when. 

Timing is ever so integral... and 

I need to know - to be assured 

that whatever we do... is within His will. What I need, is a 

FLASHING SIGN!!!!! 

What do you think about that... 

is God a God of flashing signs? Maybe... at times I know He can be. 

But we can't bank on that... that's where our faith comes to call, right? 

So my self appointed task: 

be still... 

listen... 

pray.... 

and listen...

LISTEN!!!

In my Saner Days... this was my Thought 

(soontime... I will get back here, promise): 

There are very few things in life that are important, wherein "one" prayer will do it... and if something is important enough...

the above statement will not bother you. 

Because it is important, you should be committing this to God (excuse the word) religiously. Daily. 

¹⁶ Rejoice always, ¹⁷ pray continually, ¹⁸ give thanks in all circumstances; 

for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. (1 Thes 5:16-18)

Show God how important this is. 

Ask Him where he stands with it; 

ask Him if it's pleasing to Him... 

ask Him if this is where you are supposed to be going with this... 

ASK, and be willing to receive His response, and be confident in knowing that His answer, 

is THE MOST TRUTHFUL, 

THE MOST LOVING answer anyone will EVER give you. 

What more could anyone ask for?

But the key...is up there!

You - I need to LISTEN!

God willing... I will heed my own advice! 

In time...I will be better. 

Part of that time is being used to heal, lick my wounds, to recover and strengthen...

Right now, I am bruised, and sore, and the armour of God hurts even as I put it on. Painfully hurts more than anyone can ever understand. But I still wear it, because I know, without it... I will not have a chance on earth to combat anything. My greatest opportunity - my only opportunity to succeed, to prevail, is with God on my side. 

What I hold onto:

Psalms 40:1-3

I waited patiently for God to help me; 

then He listened and heard my cry. 

He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out from the bog and the mire, 

and set my feet on a hard, firm path and steadied me as I walked along. 

He has given me a new song to sing, 

of praises to our God. 

Now many will hear of the glorious things He did for me, and stand in awe before the 

Lord, and put their trust in Him.

Can we do this again?

In my last post (lump in my heart), I spoke about there being an option of going through yet another ivf cycle but tweaking it a little bit in the sense that we are focusing on the man's "goods" ...

I've been toying with this idea since we met on April 20th with the doctor....toying/struggling, whatever... We still need to meet with the Embryologist this upcoming week but... I just don't know if I can do this.

Although we are "focusing" on Husband's "stuff"... my "stuff" still needs to get done. I still need to pop the hormones, I still need to go for near daily monitorings, I still need to stab myself numerous times daily...

Am I selfish? Is it selfish that I'm thinking about my discomfort?
Or am I simply trying to protect myself from the disappointment I fear in doing this a fourth time.
Perhaps... it's a combination of both...

Dear Blog... I AM SCARED.

****DISCLAIMER******

I will now become "emo"...

This last time, has nearly broken me. I know - KNOW! that I am stronger than this. I  KNOW God has created me differently than the way that I am currently 'behaving'. I am far more "needy"... far more "vulnerable", more "sensitive" - I'll repeat for emphasis: far more sensitive!...more... weak. Blehhhh! what a bad word! "weak"? Me?!?! not strong? not confident? what the heck is happening to me?!? The hormones have now left my system - thus, I can't use that as an excuse!

I am UBER tired of relying on people, or bringing people down, or stressing the people I love out around me... Uber tired of being the person I know I am not. Ugh....I am hating the "me" I am.

This (below pictures) ... is something I can't wrap my head around again. That's, driving me crazy. This process... this failure...is driving me nuts.... my lack of acceptance, and my weakness in trusting (because that's what it is) God's perfect WILL for our lives, is driving me nuts.  It is not God, it's me. It's my inability to focus solely on Him, and my inability to let go of this pain... and ONE DAY...it will click. One day, I'll be good again... one Day... I will have fully let go...but sadly...it is not today...

This is like a TWO WEEK'S supply!!! And I just... can't  wrap my head around doing this right now....

The Beginnings...

Two week supply TOPS!

A lump in my heart…

My Definition: A feeling of constriction in the heart caused by emotion

You know how people talk about lumps in their throats, that feeling of wanting to cry but holding it back, or having ALL THIS EMOTION with nowhere to go with it…

I've had this lump in my heart, and my stomach for the last week and a bit now. And I am thinking, it's overstayed its welcome.

First off, let me start by saying…I think I'm crazy. I think I'm crazy for having up's and downs, for being good for a day or two, and then, falling apart at the site of a happy family, or a precious moments figurine (that was Saturday's adventures!). It's not because I hate them and their happiness - that'd be kinda mean, it's that I hate that I can't be equally happy - or rather, fulfilled in the same way. I think I'm crazy. Though…many friends say it's normal, and I'm sure I would advise the same to my other friends, but… the same grace, I do not give myself - at least I can admit this, right?

Last week, was a blur for all but Friday. Friday, I met with our IVF doctor - a meeting I was dreading because he would really not have anything good to say. Either, he'd say "I don't know what the problem is" - sucky, or, he'd say "I think the problem is this," thereby getting our hopes up again that we can fix the proverbial "this" and "encouraging" us to go through this process yet another time.

The meeting proved to be the latter situation. The one where, let's not focus on you Chrissy, but let's guestimate that it's gotta be the sperm because everything else was fine. So, in addition to me feeling as 'strong' as I was, my poor husband is now battling his worse fears coming to reality in that he'd always thought he was the problem. DISCLAIMER! He is NOT the problem and there's not ONE DAY of my life where'd I ever believe such a thing. But try telling a wounded husband that it's not him and tell me how it goes. Everyone has their "cross to bear" and their paths to walk, you know? And as such, I will continue to encourage, reassure and pray…but that's all I can do.

The doctors have suggested we try a procedure whereby, they do a small incision directly into his testicles and take the sperm right from the source. The argument: it's fresh and has the highest probability of sustaining itself. They indicated they werent sure why we were able to successfully achieve the chemical pregnancy, but not a "live" pregnancy… but they are hopeful this will work. (I'm glad they are). They sent us home to research on our own, "TESTICULAR SPERM" and said we would regroup the following week to discuss and determine next steps.

Husband wants to try. He feels, this is the "least" he could do with all the stuff I've gone through (his opinion, not mine!). He feels this is perhaps our last chance to have our "own" baby - I get that… NOT because there's anything wrong with adopting, and that bus is still moving, but, of course it's different when this little one is genetically, part of you and him, right?

Good Segway to the Adoption Bus…

We have our first info session scheduled for April 30th for Public Adoption…good!

And the PRIDE co-ordinator of adoptioneducation.ca got back to me to indicate the july session had been cancelled and thus, we would be given a seating in the May session. Seems good. Problem: as of this morning, I'm having a hard time getting the days off of work. The whole TWO days i'd requested...because I am that integral to the overall operations.... Really?!?! At some point in time… many points lately... I feel like yelling

THROW ME A BONE!!!!

You know what I mean? I'm just tired. "Tired" is the word of this year (so far)…
I was thinking… it's APRIL! Month 4 of 12!!! It's been a LONG 2012 already!

Chrissy is TIRED.

I need a break! Problem is…I don't have time to have a break (whaaaaat??).
Ironic that a break needs to be scheduled in eh? But it's true... and that's life. I have no time! I have all these vacation days that are promised to other things - such as yet another ivf cycle - that's 7 days... and then 2 days at least for the P.R.I.D.E. training... a wedding... a vacation in November... so I am spent... and can likely get some relief in November. Question is, what do I do to sustain myself, sustain my sanity, my focus, my peace, my MIND!!! from Month 4 all the way to Month 11????? Ideas would be super helpful though I fault you not for having no answers.

The right/correct answer is to "pray". The answer is to seek that peace which only God can provide ... that is the "answer"....

Adoption Option

So Today…

Has to have been without a doubt, the BEST day I've had in aWHILE! 

SO last time I wrote, I had spoken with a Home Study individual by the name of Liz (referred by my SIL).  I also mentioned that same day, that enough was ENOUGH! No more sadness, no more zombie-ness… it was time to move on.

And "move," was clearly God's plan for me too!

Today… I received information overload from all sources I'd reached out to! … ALL SOURCES 

Last night, Anne referred me to a blog of a Christian family who went through a similar experience as me and Marc (http://thewilliamsfamilyblog.wordpress.com/ontario-adoption-process/). On that blog, there was a link to http://adoptioneducation.ca/ - a link to assist you with your PRIDE training. So I emailed Sofie for further information.

Also, last night, I got back on the horse, and emailed THREE different International Adoption Agencies specializing in adoption from the Philippines. And lastly, I emailed CAS again.

Today, I got an email from one of the adoption agencies, outlining process fees etc and inviting us to come and speak with them - good!

At lunch time, I got a phone call from Suzanne with CAS!!! *I could literally hear angels sings LOL.* We spoke briefly about process, next steps, why I'm interested… a good, solid conversation, we finished off with her indicating she will be mailing me my invitation to attend the (first step) info session on May 14th I believe.

As I completed the rest of my afternoon, I missed a call from a blocked line, and when I retrieved my messages, I learned it to be Noelle from Adoption Ontario, calling me back from my message (like CAS) left Apr 5th. I'm sitting here and my head is whirling from ALL of the feedback. And ALL right NOW!

I called her back during my last work break; we spoke again, about the steps I'd already taken, the goals that we have and then she invited me to another info session. So, I should have an info session with Adoption ONTARIO on April 30. While on the call with Noelle, I received an email from Sofie with Adoption Education, indicating the below:

Hi Crystal,

What a great blog. It’s great that it was helpful for you.It is exciting that you are looking at adoption to complete your family. I truly believe that things are meant to be, and as an adoptive parent myself, I know that there was a plan that I could not have a child by birth (as I absolutely adore my son who joined our family throughadoption).In terms of the July PRIDE training, I am now in the process of determining if I will be offering that particular session. I will know in two weeks. I have one couple spot left for the May session which I could offer you, otherwise, I will get back to you over the next couple of weeks about July. I will send you the registration information at that time.At some point you will also need to start a homestudy. I would be happy to provide you names of practitioners if you required this.Hopefully we will have a chance to meet Crystal.All the best,

Sofie, was by far, the most meaningful correspondence I'd received. Why? She was excited! She was excited FOR ME!!! You could hear her excitement, and her passion, and her wanting the best for me! Possibly, I'm reading too much into this however, with most of my day (job) focusing around being "in the moment" with our clients… this was "well played". She said "exciting" and "truly believe" "hopefully we will have a chance to meet" - all positive, enforcing words. So… I was encouraged.

PHEW! 

What a day eh?

In reflecting on my day, as the calls and the emails came in, I thought…Man… it's like God was JUST WAITING for me to give it up to Him. And the MOMENT I did…it's like the floodgate was released and

SWOOSH!

Tonnes and tonnes of positive reinforcement indicating that perhaps, Marc and I are on the right track…PERHAPS.

At the end of all of this, I must admit… I've been broken. 

So, I'm cautious, and still, a little anxious.

But Marc and I spoke, shared some of our insecurities and… most importantly, we prayed together. 

I'm confident, God will lead us on the path to happiness - in whatever shape or form that takes. One day at a time, right?

Adoption Breakthrough?

So...

My Sister in law reached out to her cousin regarding adoption simply because she cares and her cousin has been through this. So, her caring outweighed the fact that I really didn't want anyone FURTHER to know.

What SIL said to me was this:
"Good Morning Crystal. Did you have a nice Easter?  I was talking to my cousin Rosanna yesterday about adoption. Her and her husband have spent a few years trying. Unfortunately, do to both of their medical conditions they are not suitable adoptive parents. She gave me a number to pass along to you. This woman, Elizabeth is a social worker who does home studies. She will come to your home and explain the whole adoption process. The first visit is free after that it will cost approx 2500. Rosanna said she is fantastic and very thorough. She know the areas around the city where there is less interest in adoption and can make the process a little easier. My cousin's last name is Leworthy and she said you can feel welcome to mention her name. Rosanna is the only one I discussed your situation with. I hope you don't mind. I just saw the opportunity to try to help. Rosanna said to call her anytime if you have any questions. Her number is..."


Thoughts: well... it's a 'light" ... a beacon of some hope... but... let's call to make that decision. 


Come lunch time, I snuck into an office and made "the call". I was convinced, just like the rest, that I would get a voice mail. Lo and behold... not so much the case. She answered, we spoke and her input was, direct, to the point, and without a coat of sugar.


She spoke about adoption privately and with CAS. She spoke of international adoption. She said the choice was very large in part due to your preferences in child's age and timeframe in which you want this to happen. 


I explained we did not need an infant and we'd agreed we'd go up to 3-4 years old. I further explained gender and race were not an issue and finished by telling her special needs were NOT out the door; there were simply some needs we thought we'd be confident to manage, and others... not so much.


She said that based on our range, it wasn't impossible. She said that if I wanted an infant with CAS, the time frame would be "now to never" ... 

AWESOME

She said if we wanted a little one within the next two years, international would be the only way to go...

AWESOME

And then, she gave me some solid advice regarding speaking with international adoption agencies. She said call them, ask for references. As to speak with recent adopters. And then she also advised that we would need to take the PRIDE course as Mandated through the Ontario government.

All in all... she was the first person I spoke to. And she gave me matter of fact information... I guess Anto and I have a lot of talking to do and more importantly, praying.

We will be still, and listen to His instruction... I may make it sound easy - and I (today) believe it will be easy. But, I'm sure that we will face further "challenges". And I'm sure there will be moments of weakness. I'm sure there will be more tears shed and more sleepless nights, but... as Laura Story's song, "Blessings" (http://youtu.be/1CSVqHcdhXQ) says... 

"what if your blessings come through rain drops, what if your healing comes through tears, what if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near. What if trials in this life... are Your mercies in disguise"

There are not many things I am certain of. That being said, God... His mercies...His Love...His compassion and His intention for my life - for our lives, is something I would bank my eternal salvation on any day, and today, I'm stepping out of my misery, and stepping into a path that God paved for me well before the day I was born.

My Misery does NOT love Company... NOT ONE BIT!

Today was a rough day. It started off rough with a weight on my chest that felt so heavy that I thought I would collapse to my knees. Where it came from... who knows. BUT! The story does not end here!

Today was also a day that seemed "rough" (understatement) for many of my loved ones. One woke up really... "icky" another had a weekend that I would never wish on any of my future children - including a heartbreak that...just isn't ready to heal, and the last, had a burden that... probably quadruply outweighed mine. And throughout a workday that started with me "venting" to them, I learned...

This world was not about me and me alone. 

Today...

I was gently scolded by my God and reminded that 

there is hurt all around me

and the longer I take to heal... the less effective and supportive I can be to many of those hurting; the less effective I can be to the friends I call sisters; the less effective I can be to the co-workers who know the light of Jesus is in me - which recently must've seemed to them, as though it was hidden under a bowl. Not to mention, I have not been a strong, supportive wife - but that's not relevant to today's post.

This afternoon, as I spoke with one of my friends... I spoke about "Jesus Love things" - words of encouragement, support, etc., all the while thinking 

"Crys, are you kidding me?!? how can YOU talk God things?!?! 

Have you seen yourself lately? 

You can't give it up to Him, but want to encourage others to do so... 

you want them to heal... but won't give yourself the same grace...

So... what leg do you have atop credibility today, to mark you worthy to speak on this subject?"

*Hmmm... good point Conscience*

So... 

That's It!! I have decided!

I'm done. 

I'm done feeling sad. 

I'm done "giving up". 

I'm done carrying this burden that was never mine to carry.

I'm done being useless to my friends.

I'm done causing them to feel the need to carry my burdens.

My MISERY DOES NOT LOVE COMPANY!

My misery wants to be alone... my misery is selfish and DOES NOT 

want to share the misery space with others...

So clearly, it's time for mine to go so I can assist these other "misery's" in

finding another place to rest - versus their current locations 

in the hearts of my friends....

Praise the Lord for snapping me out of it!

Praise the Lord for NEVER giving up on me!

Amen and Amen

Thoughts in my Brainz

This weekend was interesting to say the least.

Not the typical "Easter Weekend" I would have liked it to be but... that seems to be a trend in this period in my life - note that I am fully aware that it is simply a period! Thus, I know there is a light up ahead - I just hope it's not a train wreck coming straight at me!!!

I worked more days than I would've liked. "sold my soul to the devil" and worked Good Friday to help cover some of the costs of the futile IVF sessions, and I also worked Saturday - which was normally scheduled, so nothing different there.

Friday I went out with my Bestests to end up having one of the worsests times...

Awesome

  We had a table at a resto that was first super cold around us, then, there was live music which was not my idea of a conducive speaking environment. I ended up inviting them over, made some wrong choices and somewhere along the way, there was an intervention of sorts including tears, hostility and aggression, coupled with hurt feelings and non-closure in some aspects.

Awesome

The "intervention" wasn't on me, but as the night was winding down, the tables turned and low and behold, I had to get dragged in too! 

Super

True Fact that I learned through my "intervention": something's wrong with me because things that used to give me joy, no longer do - most specifically, my work. I knew there was something amidst but... yeah, you're right... I get no joy out of a job that once gave me so much. And.. I don't know what to do about that, nor do I know how to fix it today. Meh... I still wish I could completely delete Friday!

Saturday I went to work - a place that I did not want to be... had a frustrating/draining conversation with a friend that gave me ZERO positive energy but meh.. and then Marc and I went to Anne's Church for a beautiful Easter Program.

Scores! This could be the turning point in the weekend! Or...

The Program was a hard pill to swallow, but absolutely accurate and the song selection really impacted me in a good way. Afterwards, we chatted for a bit, then Anto and I went to dinner by ourselves (I'm starting to have some revelations about this as well but perhaps I'll leave that for another time).

Dinner... was quite good. A solid hour of quality time before we went to my other gf Amy's place. On the way to Amy's, we spoke about "stuff" things were good... and then as soon as we got to Amy's it's like it was th furthest place from where Anto wanted to be. He was chillin and such but, he wasn't engaging much in convo, didn't have a whole to add and I'm sitting there thinking... WHAT THE CRAP.

En route home, he decided to let me in on his ONGOING frustrations.. I don't know why we had to go out anyway, I didn't want to do this, that...whatever... 

SIGH

Then in venting to my other gf... her husband pops a vein and therein ends my venting session, and my confidant and...

Serves me Right

I shouldn't have gotten used to venting to my friend. I shouldn't have gotten comfortable/dependent on their presence. I knew it too. I called it out Friday... but... that didn't change anything. When Saturday came and I was feeling frustrated, I just sat ...thought about blogging but...ended up ... just not.

I slept early, midnight-ish - GOOD FOR ME! Woke up at 530 but, we won't discuss why. Started to jump on facebook and reminisce through 2007/8. That was fun! I saw so many good, happy pics... I loved it. Started to feel a love/warmth that I hadn't much been feeling, started tagging people and wishing them Happy Easter... things were alright-ish.

Then, got up and outta bed to walk my pups with my bro.. and on that walk... I learned some "good" stuff but terribly disheartening for me...

Brother spoke with his client who had adopted. 

Client adopted and 3 weeks later, maternal mother took the baby back - they have 1 month to change their mind.

They tried to rationalize, but it didn't work.

They are very willing to speak with me as they find it therapeutic.

One piece of info they did share, was the home study was about 8 months long...

OooOOOoh, therein lies the rub: 8 months! ... now wait... if this is 8 months, and the next bi-annual meting is in October... thinking....thinking... 

I will NEVER pass the home study in time for October

Therefore, i will need to wait till the NEXT Bi-Annual Meeting. Sigh...

That's fine, red wine will unfortunately infiltrate my afternoon and make things a slight bit easier. 

I went to Church with D...the service was good... It was about putting expectations on ourselves that we are not able to live up to at times - not only because of inabilities, but also because of circumstance. Sounded pretty good eh? Yeah, I couldn't concentrate so I didn't get much more outta that. I did however, learn that the conclusion was: these expectations were never from God, so feeling like you let Him down is ridiculous considering He never placed this burden on you to begin with.

When they started talking about communion, I bounced outta there as it was not something I was in the frame of mind to partake in. I chilled outside and waited for D to finish up.

We basically went home, I drowned things a touch with some Red poison, and while we chilled, D shared some wisdom that I found quite poignant.

She told me that I was assuming God has said "no" to children everrr, but... God never said that. He may  have been letting things "not happen", but he never said "ever". - Hmmm, good point. This was raised when I spoke about not giving this up to Him because it's closing a door I'd much rather keep open. Regardless, her point was well received. God never said no, you just assumed He had.

She also listened as I spoke about the adoption thing... and reminded me that God was also in control of this, and in His time, everything will fall into place the way He would want it to be.

SIGH!

On another note. While at our friends' this evening, I played with their wonderful boy that was just an awesome and quasi clingy boy today. It was great! and later this evening, I was told today that I was going to be a Ninang - filipino for God Mother. That warmed my heart... and made me feel very honoured...and it too was bittersweet. Why... I don't know. I guess I'm just being a loser... Hmm... who knows.

So... here I am... awake... without my normal late night confidant, and feeling really really dumb for allowing myself to get too dependent on someone.

Altogether... not a fantastic Easter Weekend ...

It is my hope that this week becomes great.

It is my hope that I get stronger - back to my old independent "i can do this myself" self.

It is my hope that the adoption people call me back and tell me something good. 

It is my hope that I am able to carry some kid some how, some way...that is mine.

Meh... this looks like it's gonna be a long week....

Having a Hard Time Letting Myself Feel...

My bestests have been lovingly "ragging" on me about "feelings".

Wondering:

why am I having a hard time letting myself feel

why won't I allow myself to cry this out

why can't I embrace the sadness

why aren't you sleeping

why aren't you eating

blah blah blah 

A bunch of hippie talk, you know? (I'm kidding!) Their questioning, only comes from the part of your heart that truly cries and aches when their loved ones hurt... and... 

I think they are not understanding why, their heart is breaking... and I'm putting up such a stone cold (not exactly) exterior.

This post will have no finish, no resolve... because, in order to finish... I think I would need to purge. That's not going to happen. And in order to finish, I must first know the answer. That too, is not happening tonight - and by tonight, it's past 330am EST.

*pro·logue*

Noun:

1. a separate introductory section of a literary work or musical work;

2. an event or action that leads to another event or situation

God, is my Leader, My GUIDE, My refuge... forever and always.

I believe He is the only "WAY" in this world, and it is my purpose and desire to serve only Him 

(I'm going somewhere with this, just keep up!).

To know God, is to know first and foremost, that He loved us SO MUCH that he Gave up His son FOR US! - He DIED the most TERRIBLE and SHAMEFUL death, 

on the Cross... Who does that?!?! 

(How appropriate and COMPLETELY unplanned that today is NOW Good Friday!)

That... is BIG STUFF - more so than what I'm going through today.

*real time*

To say I follow Him... implies that I also TRUST Him... with my ALL(everything)...

To say that I trust Him... means that what has happened... what IS happening...

Was God ... 'Allowed' (don't put too much thought into my choice of words).

In my mind... since this is true... I shouldn't be "sad".

I shouldn't be "hurt"

In my mind, I should be at peace... 

I should be still in the knowledge that 

HE HAS EVERYTHING PLANNED PERFECTLY 

Just for Me!

So... 

Why purge?

Why talk?

Why cry?

I know there are answers to certainly refute my logic... I know this. 

But... this is my... "test" ... and I am "on stage" 

(again... not too much thought into my words please). 

I have many friends and family whom I want to know Jesus, whom I want to understand 

HIS 

*UNCONDITIONAL*

UNWAVERING, 

GENUINE, 

PURE...

LOVE. 

And I need to show this world that no matter how ridiculously DUMB... 

How absolutely PAINFUL these things are... 

It's no match for the One that can Move Mountains,

that can heal the broken hearted,

that has raised the dead,

and given Hope to the hopeless.

I need to stay STRONG

Problem Is...

I'm not okay

Who Needs to Purge...Let's Shop!

Today I stayed home from work. I called my manager, told him I wasn't in the right head space, and said I need a day...

Today...I didn't really speak with God.
I started by receiving flowers from my husband, whom I'm sure is worried significantly about his "unstable" wife.

Ignore the quality, it's a cloudy BlackBerry Lens.

After we walked the pups, he went on his way and I sat in front of my comp and thought... 'what to do?'.

How do I feel? am I okay? - It was as though I was checking my "emotional" pulse to see if today was a 

"stable" day. 

My "plan" was to reflect, accept and purge... whichever way.. and to "let it all out" ... That was the "plan".

Instead, I started by busying myself. I called the adoption number listed in my previous post... guess what? WRONG NUMBER!!! Was this a "sign"? totally interpreted it to be. And by such a "small" thing, my mood was altered.

AWESOME

So... I tried to shake it off. I reminded myself that this process is SUPPOSED to be an "ordeal" because it's gotta weed out the weak. It's supposed to be rough so we prove to ourselves whether we really want this!

I got on the internet, searched again... found a 1-800 number to teh Peel Children's Aid society and called. I got a girl who transferred me to another line. There I received Suzanne' voice mail... indicating she was out of the office and not returning till Tuesday...

MORE AWESOMENESS

Okay! Keep swimming Chrissy!!! So I emailed my rep that gave me the wrong number, and nicely informed her the number was out of service and asked whether she had anymore avenues. While I waited and hoped for an email, i decided to email peel CAS again - exactly one week after my FIRST unanswered email. Surprisingly... no reply to this one either.

Meanwhile, MYCS got back to me, apologized and gave me the correct number. Which I proceeded to dial, chose a name, and left another voice message. I guess... and pray... Tuesday I will get at least a couple calls back... right? ... RIGHT? Oh Man! This wait... does NOTTTT get any easier.. and this is just for a return phone call!!!

THIS CONCLUDES MY ADOPTION EFFORTS FOR THE DAY

I also knew, I had a birthday to go to for my second family, the Patel's, whom I love with an ache very close to my own. My bestfriend's (Hita's) little cousin (whom I've adopted as a little niece really) was celebrating her 19th birthday. And her father was sorta quasi celebrating a belated birthday from last week. I hadn't seen them for some time because while I was "waiting to miscarry" *sigh*, Rita (sister) was giving birth to her first Baby, and her dad was having minor surgery and I... was... useless. 

I wanted to get Priya (niece) something...but I wanted it to be good! It's her first year in university, and I'm super proud of all she's accomplished. And SUPER guilty for the lack of time I spend with the whole family! So I decided I wanted to get her a University Sweat Shirt! Though, sometimes, people don't like big things plastered on their Chest. So I went to Hita. Turns out, she really wanted one but as a starving student, just couldn't piece the budget together for a $70.00 sweater! No kidding, eh? 

Therein lay my day's mission!  

The purging would have to wait! It wasn't going anywhere anyway! I called Anne, and asked her to join me for an adventure, and off we went! This will have been my first visit to Guelph! And the closer I got to the Uni, the more proud I was of this little one! My heart had this lump... of good tears welling within it! Join me and our journey today!

we are arriving and the campus is HUGE!! I'm so lost it's hilarious!

after 3 children/students, and 2 parking attendants, we arrive at P31,
park at the metre and enter into the campus!
EXCITING - see our big smiles!

still walking through the area to get to the Book Store.
I know our Priya would NEVER go to a place like this!!
NEVERRR!

And then we finally Arrive!
Woot WOOT!

While inside, I am like a kid in a Candy store... touching everything, trying to figure the best stuff for Priya... I spoke to 2 sets of girls; both asking which is the coolest (yes, I dated myself!)

But they were so helpful! They told me the colours, and what they would wear...etc. At the end, We came out with not only the Hoodie - the typical, tradition UoG Hoodie, but also a pair of awesome jogging pants that I was hoping wouldn't fit her so I could take it off her hands :-)

i tried them against me just to make sure they looked a'ight! lol!

And here's the BIRTHDAY GIRL!
1- Isn't she BEAUTIFUL
2-Doesn't the UoG sweatere look AWESOME?!

and here she is with her "nephews" children of Hita and Anita <3

One Day... God Willing.. I will have a little one that can jump in there too...
GOD WILLING is the key...
*SIGH*

Sugar and Spice: The world is not right tonight...

Sugar and Spice: The world is not right tonight...: It is one of those days, when grief is shared and pain evident. When friends go through the "shadow of the valley of death", what am I suppo...

WHY am I so broken today?!?!

The "no" I heard from the adoption person - which (as you can see from my previous post) wasn't a no at all, but rather an "in october"..... Was perceived by me like a "no".

And I think......

I just wasn't prepped to take another "no".... or a "Yes but later" kinda answer....

You know, maybe, just maybe I'm unstable, and there would've been no good response from the adoption person...

Maybe.

My Boss asked me to come visit with him... we went into an office; he sat with me and asked what's goin on. I explained I'm not having a solid "head space" day. Through some discussion, I explained, there's nothing physically wrong with Me or Marc... there's no physical reason this didn't work...he's like..."okay, then?"

"It was God"

*insert heart break*

He didn't want this for us. He willed for this not to work. He sat there and said, everything can line up as much as you would like to see, but this is not my time. 

There is nothing wrong w me physically, as far as any doctor is telling me.
There's nothing wrong w Anto, as far as any doctor is telling me.
The eggs worked, or at least grew.
The sperm wiggled or did whatever it needed to do..

 Nothing on paper seems wrong.
So then.....

*the moment of truth*

MY GOD DOES NOT WANT ME TO 

BEAR A BABY

*place final straw to collapse the back here*

NOTE: I am not mad at my Heavenly Father. I am sad and embarrassed.

I'm sad I don't measure up.

I'm sad I'm not worthy of carrying a baby for him.

I'm embarrassed because I feel like He's tried to tell me, 

Not ONCE,

But TWICE before!!!

"Crys, are you even listening??? Where am I unclear??? This is NOT going to Happen"

Lord, I know I am not worthy. And I am sorry I have been 'ignoring' your signs. 

This heartbreak is only one that you can take away. 

And my heart is broken in only a way you can repair.

But...

I'm embarrassed to give this to you.

I'm embarrassed that I didn't listen.

And I'm scared to talk to you about the adoption...

I'm scared you're going to say no... and I can't hear that right now.

So, I'll live in my pretend world if you don't mind. Just for a little while.

And will hide my face in shame from you (REGARDING THIS), until I am confident to come to you again. 

This is one of those "bad" days

I finally got a response from someone from an adoption process centre... YAY!

As much as that was the part scaring me, and causing me unrest... her response made it worse. Yes, I realize, I am unpleasable it seems.

Her (2nd) response:

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: (MCYS) <@ontario.ca>
Date: Wed, Apr 4, 2012 at 10:54 AM
Subject: Adoption Questions/Inquiries

Ok Crystal.  So keep in mind, the fall Adoption Resource Exchange Conference is scheduled to take

place Sunday, October 14, 2012 at the Metro Toronto Convention Centre, North Building, 255

Front St. West.  This could be an avenue for you to find a child/ren.  Best of luck with your adoption

plans.

Cheers,

Adoption Unit

Ministry of Children & Youth Services

416

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The more I begin to think I am okay, the more I realize...MAYBE I'm not.

The thing is, yes. I am sad. And I've got a "hurt" that I really just want to be fixed. And... I would like a "band aid" to cover this ouch in the meantime before it heals... Am I making sense? Likely not but ...

Going through the "process" of adoption, talking to people, filling out paper stuff, keeping busy with an end in sight - not the exact date but knowing there is something to work towards... that would have been my band aid. But with "mcys" saying Oct 14th... and in a previous email indication this could be lengthy... I'm sitting here dejected. Thinking, this process may not start till October. A very long 6 months from now...

Pros:

6 months will fly by

I need to give God time to heal me and this is His time

it prepares us even more financially

it helps weed out the "weak" from the "strong" or the "fad" from the "serious"

...

Cons:

i have a ouch and I want a fix... NOW!

Yup, the childish one is the one who wants to be a parent...

Awesome.