A lump in my heart…

My Definition: A feeling of constriction in the heart caused by emotion

You know how people talk about lumps in their throats, that feeling of wanting to cry but holding it back, or having ALL THIS EMOTION with nowhere to go with it…

I've had this lump in my heart, and my stomach for the last week and a bit now. And I am thinking, it's overstayed its welcome.

First off, let me start by saying…I think I'm crazy. I think I'm crazy for having up's and downs, for being good for a day or two, and then, falling apart at the site of a happy family, or a precious moments figurine (that was Saturday's adventures!). It's not because I hate them and their happiness - that'd be kinda mean, it's that I hate that I can't be equally happy - or rather, fulfilled in the same way. I think I'm crazy. Though…many friends say it's normal, and I'm sure I would advise the same to my other friends, but… the same grace, I do not give myself - at least I can admit this, right?

Last week, was a blur for all but Friday. Friday, I met with our IVF doctor - a meeting I was dreading because he would really not have anything good to say. Either, he'd say "I don't know what the problem is" - sucky, or, he'd say "I think the problem is this," thereby getting our hopes up again that we can fix the proverbial "this" and "encouraging" us to go through this process yet another time.

The meeting proved to be the latter situation. The one where, let's not focus on you Chrissy, but let's guestimate that it's gotta be the sperm because everything else was fine. So, in addition to me feeling as 'strong' as I was, my poor husband is now battling his worse fears coming to reality in that he'd always thought he was the problem. DISCLAIMER! He is NOT the problem and there's not ONE DAY of my life where'd I ever believe such a thing. But try telling a wounded husband that it's not him and tell me how it goes. Everyone has their "cross to bear" and their paths to walk, you know? And as such, I will continue to encourage, reassure and pray…but that's all I can do.

The doctors have suggested we try a procedure whereby, they do a small incision directly into his testicles and take the sperm right from the source. The argument: it's fresh and has the highest probability of sustaining itself. They indicated they werent sure why we were able to successfully achieve the chemical pregnancy, but not a "live" pregnancy… but they are hopeful this will work. (I'm glad they are). They sent us home to research on our own, "TESTICULAR SPERM" and said we would regroup the following week to discuss and determine next steps.

Husband wants to try. He feels, this is the "least" he could do with all the stuff I've gone through (his opinion, not mine!). He feels this is perhaps our last chance to have our "own" baby - I get that… NOT because there's anything wrong with adopting, and that bus is still moving, but, of course it's different when this little one is genetically, part of you and him, right?

Good Segway to the Adoption Bus…

We have our first info session scheduled for April 30th for Public Adoption…good!

And the PRIDE co-ordinator of adoptioneducation.ca got back to me to indicate the july session had been cancelled and thus, we would be given a seating in the May session. Seems good. Problem: as of this morning, I'm having a hard time getting the days off of work. The whole TWO days i'd requested...because I am that integral to the overall operations.... Really?!?! At some point in time… many points lately... I feel like yelling

THROW ME A BONE!!!!

You know what I mean? I'm just tired. "Tired" is the word of this year (so far)…
I was thinking… it's APRIL! Month 4 of 12!!! It's been a LONG 2012 already!

Chrissy is TIRED.

I need a break! Problem is…I don't have time to have a break (whaaaaat??).
Ironic that a break needs to be scheduled in eh? But it's true... and that's life. I have no time! I have all these vacation days that are promised to other things - such as yet another ivf cycle - that's 7 days... and then 2 days at least for the P.R.I.D.E. training... a wedding... a vacation in November... so I am spent... and can likely get some relief in November. Question is, what do I do to sustain myself, sustain my sanity, my focus, my peace, my MIND!!! from Month 4 all the way to Month 11????? Ideas would be super helpful though I fault you not for having no answers.

The right/correct answer is to "pray". The answer is to seek that peace which only God can provide ... that is the "answer"....