My bestests have been lovingly "ragging" on me about "feelings".
Wondering:
why am I having a hard time letting myself feel
why won't I allow myself to cry this out
why can't I embrace the sadness
why aren't you sleeping
why aren't you eating
blah blah blah
I think they are not understanding why, their heart is breaking... and I'm putting up such a stone cold (not exactly) exterior.
This post will have no finish, no resolve... because, in order to finish... I think I would need to purge. That's not going to happen. And in order to finish, I must first know the answer. That too, is not happening tonight - and by tonight, it's past 330am EST.
*pro·logue*
Noun:
1. a separate introductory section of a literary work or musical work;
2. an event or action that leads to another event or situation
God, is my Leader, My GUIDE, My refuge... forever and always.
I believe He is the only "WAY" in this world, and it is my purpose and desire to serve only Him
(I'm going somewhere with this, just keep up!).
To know God, is to know first and foremost, that He loved us SO MUCH that he Gave up His son FOR US! - He DIED the most TERRIBLE and SHAMEFUL death,
on the Cross... Who does that?!?!
(How appropriate and COMPLETELY unplanned that today is NOW Good Friday!)
That... is BIG STUFF - more so than what I'm going through today.
*real time*
To say I follow Him... implies that I also TRUST Him... with my ALL(everything)...
To say that I trust Him... means that what has happened... what IS happening...
Was God ... 'Allowed' (don't put too much thought into my choice of words).
In my mind... since this is true... I shouldn't be "sad".
I shouldn't be "hurt"
In my mind, I should be at peace...
I should be still in the knowledge that
HE HAS EVERYTHING PLANNED PERFECTLY
Just for Me!
So...
Why purge?
Why talk?
Why cry?
I know there are answers to certainly refute my logic... I know this.
But... this is my... "test" ... and I am "on stage"
(again... not too much thought into my words please).
I have many friends and family whom I want to know Jesus, whom I want to understand
HIS
*UNCONDITIONAL*
UNWAVERING,
GENUINE,
PURE...
LOVE.
And I need to show this world that no matter how ridiculously DUMB...
How absolutely PAINFUL these things are...
It's no match for the One that can Move Mountains,
that can heal the broken hearted,
that has raised the dead,
and given Hope to the hopeless.
I need to stay STRONG
Problem Is...
I'm not okay
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