Not the typical "Easter Weekend" I would have liked it to be but... that seems to be a trend in this period in my life - note that I am fully aware that it is simply a period! Thus, I know there is a light up ahead - I just hope it's not a train wreck coming straight at me!!!
I worked more days than I would've liked. "sold my soul to the devil" and worked Good Friday to help cover some of the costs of the futile IVF sessions, and I also worked Saturday - which was normally scheduled, so nothing different there.
Friday I went out with my Bestests to end up having one of the worsests times...
Awesome
We had a table at a resto that was first super cold around us, then, there was live music which was not my idea of a conducive speaking environment. I ended up inviting them over, made some wrong choices and somewhere along the way, there was an intervention of sorts including tears, hostility and aggression, coupled with hurt feelings and non-closure in some aspects.
Awesome
The "intervention" wasn't on me, but as the night was winding down, the tables turned and low and behold, I had to get dragged in too!
Super
True Fact that I learned through my "intervention": something's wrong with me because things that used to give me joy, no longer do - most specifically, my work. I knew there was something amidst but... yeah, you're right... I get no joy out of a job that once gave me so much. And.. I don't know what to do about that, nor do I know how to fix it today. Meh... I still wish I could completely delete Friday!
Saturday I went to work - a place that I did not want to be... had a frustrating/draining conversation with a friend that gave me ZERO positive energy but meh.. and then Marc and I went to Anne's Church for a beautiful Easter Program.
Scores! This could be the turning point in the weekend! Or...
The Program was a hard pill to swallow, but absolutely accurate and the song selection really impacted me in a good way. Afterwards, we chatted for a bit, then Anto and I went to dinner by ourselves (I'm starting to have some revelations about this as well but perhaps I'll leave that for another time).
Dinner... was quite good. A solid hour of quality time before we went to my other gf Amy's place. On the way to Amy's, we spoke about "stuff" things were good... and then as soon as we got to Amy's it's like it was th furthest place from where Anto wanted to be. He was chillin and such but, he wasn't engaging much in convo, didn't have a whole to add and I'm sitting there thinking... WHAT THE CRAP.
En route home, he decided to let me in on his ONGOING frustrations.. I don't know why we had to go out anyway, I didn't want to do this, that...whatever...
SIGH
Then in venting to my other gf... her husband pops a vein and therein ends my venting session, and my confidant and...
Serves me Right
I shouldn't have gotten used to venting to my friend. I shouldn't have gotten comfortable/dependent on their presence. I knew it too. I called it out Friday... but... that didn't change anything. When Saturday came and I was feeling frustrated, I just sat ...thought about blogging but...ended up ... just not.
I slept early, midnight-ish - GOOD FOR ME! Woke up at 530 but, we won't discuss why. Started to jump on facebook and reminisce through 2007/8. That was fun! I saw so many good, happy pics... I loved it. Started to feel a love/warmth that I hadn't much been feeling, started tagging people and wishing them Happy Easter... things were alright-ish.
Then, got up and outta bed to walk my pups with my bro.. and on that walk... I learned some "good" stuff but terribly disheartening for me...
Brother spoke with his client who had adopted.
Client adopted and 3 weeks later, maternal mother took the baby back - they have 1 month to change their mind.
They tried to rationalize, but it didn't work.
They are very willing to speak with me as they find it therapeutic.
One piece of info they did share, was the home study was about 8 months long...
OooOOOoh, therein lies the rub: 8 months! ... now wait... if this is 8 months, and the next bi-annual meting is in October... thinking....thinking...
I will NEVER pass the home study in time for October
Therefore, i will need to wait till the NEXT Bi-Annual Meeting. Sigh...
That's fine, red wine will unfortunately infiltrate my afternoon and make things a slight bit easier.
I went to Church with D...the service was good... It was about putting expectations on ourselves that we are not able to live up to at times - not only because of inabilities, but also because of circumstance. Sounded pretty good eh? Yeah, I couldn't concentrate so I didn't get much more outta that. I did however, learn that the conclusion was: these expectations were never from God, so feeling like you let Him down is ridiculous considering He never placed this burden on you to begin with.
When they started talking about communion, I bounced outta there as it was not something I was in the frame of mind to partake in. I chilled outside and waited for D to finish up.
We basically went home, I drowned things a touch with some Red poison, and while we chilled, D shared some wisdom that I found quite poignant.
She told me that I was assuming God has said "no" to children everrr, but... God never said that. He may have been letting things "not happen", but he never said "ever". - Hmmm, good point. This was raised when I spoke about not giving this up to Him because it's closing a door I'd much rather keep open. Regardless, her point was well received. God never said no, you just assumed He had.
She also listened as I spoke about the adoption thing... and reminded me that God was also in control of this, and in His time, everything will fall into place the way He would want it to be.
SIGH!
On another note. While at our friends' this evening, I played with their wonderful boy that was just an awesome and quasi clingy boy today. It was great! and later this evening, I was told today that I was going to be a Ninang - filipino for God Mother. That warmed my heart... and made me feel very honoured...and it too was bittersweet. Why... I don't know. I guess I'm just being a loser... Hmm... who knows.
So... here I am... awake... without my normal late night confidant, and feeling really really dumb for allowing myself to get too dependent on someone.
Altogether... not a fantastic Easter Weekend ...
It is my hope that this week becomes great.
It is my hope that this week becomes great.
It is my hope that I get stronger - back to my old independent "i can do this myself" self.
It is my hope that the adoption people call me back and tell me something good.
It is my hope that I am able to carry some kid some how, some way...that is mine.
Meh... this looks like it's gonna be a long week....
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