WHY am I so broken today?!?!

The "no" I heard from the adoption person - which (as you can see from my previous post) wasn't a no at all, but rather an "in october"..... Was perceived by me like a "no".

And I think......

I just wasn't prepped to take another "no".... or a "Yes but later" kinda answer....

You know, maybe, just maybe I'm unstable, and there would've been no good response from the adoption person...

Maybe.

My Boss asked me to come visit with him... we went into an office; he sat with me and asked what's goin on. I explained I'm not having a solid "head space" day. Through some discussion, I explained, there's nothing physically wrong with Me or Marc... there's no physical reason this didn't work...he's like..."okay, then?"

"It was God"

*insert heart break*

He didn't want this for us. He willed for this not to work. He sat there and said, everything can line up as much as you would like to see, but this is not my time. 

There is nothing wrong w me physically, as far as any doctor is telling me.
There's nothing wrong w Anto, as far as any doctor is telling me.
The eggs worked, or at least grew.
The sperm wiggled or did whatever it needed to do..

 Nothing on paper seems wrong.
So then.....

*the moment of truth*

MY GOD DOES NOT WANT ME TO 

BEAR A BABY

*place final straw to collapse the back here*

NOTE: I am not mad at my Heavenly Father. I am sad and embarrassed.

I'm sad I don't measure up.

I'm sad I'm not worthy of carrying a baby for him.

I'm embarrassed because I feel like He's tried to tell me, 

Not ONCE,

But TWICE before!!!

"Crys, are you even listening??? Where am I unclear??? This is NOT going to Happen"

Lord, I know I am not worthy. And I am sorry I have been 'ignoring' your signs. 

This heartbreak is only one that you can take away. 

And my heart is broken in only a way you can repair.

But...

I'm embarrassed to give this to you.

I'm embarrassed that I didn't listen.

And I'm scared to talk to you about the adoption...

I'm scared you're going to say no... and I can't hear that right now.

So, I'll live in my pretend world if you don't mind. Just for a little while.

And will hide my face in shame from you (REGARDING THIS), until I am confident to come to you again.