And....The IVF Journey Continues (this is Painful)

When we last met... I'd just learned that the 3rd and (in our minds) FINAL IVF cycle had not worked.

• The Doctor has called to set up an appt on Apr 20
• The Embryologist has called to discuss - I ignored and still have not called him back.
• The nurse has called twice to see whether I would like counselling
• And I... have turned half numb

This blog.. is supposed to be my catharsis. Problem is, I'm numb... so.. this is not quite helping but...
As mentioned in my prior post, no one but my gf's Anne and Deb knew. Why? because... it's just taboo to speak of. People of my parent's generation don't altogether get it, and people of my generation feel there is something wrong with them and are embarassed to share I guess... and my reasoning... well

I'm SCARED of my Mother and her Reaction.

She's old school. Plus... MarcAnto lost his job awhile back, and was outta work for 1.5 yrs - very actively looking and taking odd jobs here and there but... it was a hard time! Two houses... debt... and my income DID NOT support everything. So we began to play the age old Take from Peter and give to Paul sort of game.

This "IVF" thing would not have made sense to her. And for my mama, it needs to make FINANCIAL sense above all else. Whereas for me... it was all my heart wanted... it's all Marc and I have wanted for some time now... almost THREE years now actually. And no... financially, it didn't make sense. I'm a Business Advisor, at a BANK! I know this... but... there is NEVER going to be a "right" time - unless you're rich but.. There normally wont be that magic NORTH STAR beaming down on you.

We prayed about this, for a long time. Reflected. Discussed.... this was the right thing to do - and this, at the end of the day, was between me and my husband.

And truthfully, it was like, if I can't tell my Mama, why bother tell anyone else. - Plus, presenting the "negative" results to the masses didn't seem like fun! ... Sigh.

My Boss: "although we aren't always able to see the path, although fog, folliage etc might impair our vision, know that God has paved the most perfect path specifically for you"

Well, to be honest, the whole fasting thing did work, so... LOL! No, he was/is right. I have complete faith that God has SOMEthing in Store for Anto and I.... something... WHAT? is the proverbial question.

Thoughts:

There has been two questions that have been smashing through the inside of my skull keeping me up till past 230 in the morning with work the next day...

1. What would You like me to do now, Lord? 

Would you like me to give up? Marc and I discussed this before the second Pregnancy Test. I asked him whether we could/would consider adoption. I told him that since I was a child, this was something I'd always assumed was part of my destiny.

He definitely said he wasn't closed to the idea. Ideally, I think most men (and women) would like their OWN but... there are so many abandoned children... and I could help!

Marc indicated he'd not felt we'd given natural a full shot. He felt once the doctors told us to go see the specialist, we just went... and this got outta control. So I heard him, and agreed... 

So we are resolute to continue trying naturally. Additionally, we will also, conjunctively, pray... and go through the process of applying for adoption - first in Canada and then VERY potentially, abroad (the Philippines). My cousin in the Philippines provided some great adoption board links in the Philippines, and from there, I did my part to search in Canada, and we will continue to pray, and go through the motions.

I  confided in my friend Mehdi. He smiled at me, and said "this makes sense." He said "Crys, of all our friends, YOU are the one that would choose to raise someone else's baby. If i went to any of our high school friends and said, Chrissy and Marc are adopting, they'd say 'yup, that sounds like something Chrissy would do'" 

Praise God... this was really good affirmation. Not like now I will RUN OUT and adopt a baby, but... God often places people in our lives, at specific moments for reasons just like this.

He further asked me, what made you decide Philippines. I explained my belief that the process in Canada would be forever, and thought babieswere not "easily" available versus in the Philippines.

He shared a story of his friend Chris, and their adoption process of 3 in Canada, and how, it took 3 months (obviously because they agreed to take all three siblings but...). From this further conversation, I also decided to look within Canada as well.

This "question," I believe, has kept me sane. It has allowed me to "busy" myself. And divert focus away from the painful question that I have not really EVER been able to even type. Furthermore, I haven't been able to answer it, and worse so... I haven't brought to God because... it hurts so much that... I just... don't want to...

DEEP BREATH...

2. Why doesn't God think I'd be a good Mommy?

What is it?
What am I lacking?
What is it that He thinks I would do to endanger/ruin/destroy a child, when all I want to do... is love this baby!

I am in NO WAY mad at God... I am not angry

I'm Hurt...

I'm sad, and perhaps ashamed that He doesn't think I'd be a good Mama... I just... can't wrap my head around that. I feel ...

Not good Enough...

Incapable...

Not worthy...

And that, Ladies and Gentleman, is what's been plaguing me. And in time... God will heal me, right first as I give this up to Him, and right first after I ask Him to heal me...