Can we do this again?

In my last post (lump in my heart), I spoke about there being an option of going through yet another ivf cycle but tweaking it a little bit in the sense that we are focusing on the man's "goods" ...

I've been toying with this idea since we met on April 20th with the doctor....toying/struggling, whatever... We still need to meet with the Embryologist this upcoming week but... I just don't know if I can do this.

Although we are "focusing" on Husband's "stuff"... my "stuff" still needs to get done. I still need to pop the hormones, I still need to go for near daily monitorings, I still need to stab myself numerous times daily...

Am I selfish? Is it selfish that I'm thinking about my discomfort?
Or am I simply trying to protect myself from the disappointment I fear in doing this a fourth time.
Perhaps... it's a combination of both...

Dear Blog... I AM SCARED.

****DISCLAIMER******

I will now become "emo"...

This last time, has nearly broken me. I know - KNOW! that I am stronger than this. I  KNOW God has created me differently than the way that I am currently 'behaving'. I am far more "needy"... far more "vulnerable", more "sensitive" - I'll repeat for emphasis: far more sensitive!...more... weak. Blehhhh! what a bad word! "weak"? Me?!?! not strong? not confident? what the heck is happening to me?!? The hormones have now left my system - thus, I can't use that as an excuse!

I am UBER tired of relying on people, or bringing people down, or stressing the people I love out around me... Uber tired of being the person I know I am not. Ugh....I am hating the "me" I am.

This (below pictures) ... is something I can't wrap my head around again. That's, driving me crazy. This process... this failure...is driving me nuts.... my lack of acceptance, and my weakness in trusting (because that's what it is) God's perfect WILL for our lives, is driving me nuts.  It is not God, it's me. It's my inability to focus solely on Him, and my inability to let go of this pain... and ONE DAY...it will click. One day, I'll be good again... one Day... I will have fully let go...but sadly...it is not today...

This is like a TWO WEEK'S supply!!! And I just... can't  wrap my head around doing this right now....

The Beginnings...

Two week supply TOPS!